I Remember Love
by jakeline
Summary: A BJ fic. The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. COMPLETE!
1. Reacquainted

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary:__The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane fansite. _

_Disclaimer:__I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (__Written by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)__). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part**** 1: In which they find themselves reacquainted**

_I can see it in your eyes_

_I can see it in your face_

_I could feel it when we touched_

_It used to mean so much_

_But now it's gone away_

_**April 1814**_  
Seeing him that evening had brought back all the feelings and memories she thought she had repressed forever. Now they came bubbling up to the surface again. Once again she began questioning her actions and choices of that dreadful day all those years ago. The look on his face when she left, it had broken her heart. It was for the best, she had thought then. She had to be the sensible one. But had it been the right decision? He was now married, had been so for quite some time, and lived happily in Ireland with a large family and had a fine law career. Life had been good to him. She had been following his progress in secrecy. Not that her own life had turned out bad. She led a small life, valuable but small. She was a rather successful author. Her latest novel had been published the year before and now she found it hard to remain anonymous. There had been a time when she had doubted her writing abilities. It had been a Christmas holiday many years ago, and a certain gentleman from Ireland had entered her home, taking her by storm and changed her life forever.

He had interrupted a social gathering in her home. Bursting in late just as Jane had started reading a piece dedicated to her sister Cassandra. His uncle of course introduced him, but Thomas Lefroy had not even had the decency to apologize for the intrusion. He just bowed and glanced around the room, feeling rather superior she imagined, but even then there had been a glimpse of interest in his blue eyes as they landed on her for a short period of time. Her heart skipped a beat. Piercing blue met dark hazel.

As she finished her reading, she noticed that he had been sleeping! Oh, how that had vexed her. That was not the end of it! She overheard him talk to John Warren about her reading.

"Well, excessively charming, I thought," Mr. Warren said as he gave Thomas Lefroy a cup of wine.

"Well, accomplished enough, perhaps," returned Lefroy and continued: "but a metropolitan mind may be less susceptible to extended, juvenile self-regard." Jane Austen, who unfortunately had heard all of it, hurried up to her room, ripping her papers to shreds and finally throwing them on the fire. _Snobbish, self absorbed, disagreeable man! _She thought to herself. _Juvenile self-regard, indeed! _She sought through her case of writings and diaries. Read through a few pieces, not really sure what to look for and sighed. Well, it was obvious he did not understand her irony at all. She did not need to concern herself with him. He was absolutely not worth the effort.

Little had she known how this Irish rogue would come to affect the rest of her life.

-xxx-

He had not been expecting to see her there. Painful memories came rushing back. He knew she had seen him, but had still tried to make himself scarce after the concert, but alas, there came her brother, Henry, rushing after him.

"You have to come and say hello!" Henry insisted. "She has seen you; it is quite the polite thing to do." Thomas Lefroy found himself and his daughter standing in front of Jane Austen and her cousin before long. "Jane, an old friend. Late as ever," said Henry.

"Madame Le Comtesse, Miss Austen." Tom bowed, as did the ladies.

"Mr. Lefroy," said Jane quietly, looking at him with sad hazel eyes, eyes that had once beamed at him with warmth, happiness and most of all with love.

"Please allow me to introduce to you your most avid of admirers, my daughter, Miss Lefroy," said Tom and nodded towards the young lady by his side.

"Miss Austen, what a pleasure to meet you. Will you read for us this evening?" asked his daughter innocently.

"Ah, well, you see, my sister never reads. Otherwise, how else is she supposed to remain anonymous?" Henry said to her.

"But…" Miss Lefroy started, but was interrupted by her father's warning voice.

"Jane." The look on Jane's face as he called his daughter Jane was hard to bear. Shock, surprise and sorrow, all emotions played over her delicate face.

"I will make an exception if my new friend wishes it," said Jane Austen after recovering from the surprise over the name he had chosen for his eldest daughter. "Come, sit by me," the authoress said and took his daughter by the arm and walked towards a sofa. Thomas Lefroy suddenly remembered another reading. Many years ago. A reading he had thought rather tedious. He had not known her then. Not as he would come to know her over the weeks to come. The first, and perhaps truest, love of his life.

_We were young and dreams were new_

_And every word we said was true_

_Any mountain we could climb_

_You made me feel alive_

_The first time in my life_

_**December**__**1795**_  
He had stumbled upon her in the forest the day after that dreadful reading. He had been persuaded to take a walk rather than accompany his uncle for a shooting, since it seemed he knew not how to handle a gun. It was a fine day but he did not quite see the beautiful simplicity of the greens around him. He was beating off bushes and stray greens with his cane. Then he caught a glimpse of something blue down on the trail. It was the girl from the reading. Miss, Miss… what was her name? He could not for the life of him remember her name.

"Miss!" he called out. "Miss!" No response. "Um... Miss!" He hurried towards her. "Miss!" He saw that she had noticed his struggles to get her attention, but she seemed intended not to make this easy for him. "Miss! I…" He took a wrong step and found himself on the ground. He got up as fast as he could and glanced towards her. A little smile seemed to play on her lips. _Ah, at least she is amused!_ He thought to himself. "Miss? Miss?" _Why cannot I remember her name?_ "Miss…" He was close to the trail now.

"Miss Austen." Finally she turned to him.

"Mr. Lefroy," said he and took off his hat and bowed.

"Yes, I know," returned Miss Austen with a curtsey, "but I am alone." She started walking again

"Except for me."

"Exactly." She continued walking away from him.

"Oh, come! What rules of conduct apply in this rural situation? We have been introduced, have we not?" he said and was now right behind her on the trail.

"What value is there in an introduction when you cannot even remember my name?" She turned to him and he realized that she was not impressed by him at all. "Indeed, can barely stay awake in my presence." He began to wonder what rumours had proceeded him. _What have I done to make her dislike me? _He suspected that his young cousin Lucy had been talking widely about his reputation. Lucy was infatuated. But then again, that was not uncommon around him. But why was not Miss Austen?

"Madam," he said and turned away from her.

"These scruples must seem very provincial to a gentleman with such elevated airs, but I do not devise these rules. I am merely obliged to obey them." She made a mocking curtsey and turned once again away from him.

"I have been told there is much to see upon a walk but all I've detected so far is a general tendency to green above and brown below." He did not want to let her off that easily.

"Yes, well, others have detected more. It is celebrated." She turned to him. "There's even a book about Selborne Wood."

"Oh." He bowed again making her curtsey again, and she turned to leave him once more. "A novel, perhaps?" She stopped and turned.

"Novels?" Her tone of voice made him dread the continuation of a speech that was inevitable to come."Being poor, insipid things, read by mere women, even, God forbid, written by mere women?" She was agitated. _Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Or do I want to be lectured? Why is she fascinating me? _He thought and then he realized why she did not like him.

"I see, we're talking of your reading," he said with a smirk. He had touched a nerve.

"As if the writing of women did not display the greatest powers of mind, knowledge of human nature, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour and the best-chosen language imaginable?" she blurted out and her eyes were shooting sparks, her cheeks reddening. _Beautiful_.

"Was I deficient in rapture?" He found himself enjoying the banter with her, this country girl with the dark eyes.

"In consciousness."

"It was…" He walked towards her, trying to think of what to say. He had to be honest. "It was accomplished." She nodded, indignant, and turned from him again. Then hesitated, and turned back.

"It was ironic." She smiled at him and walked off.

_Was it?_ He called after her: "And you are sure I've not offended you?"

"Not at all," she cried back as she hurried down the path away from him. Chuckling he turned and walked the other way. _It might be an interesting holiday after all._

-xxx-

_Yes, I remember love so beautiful_

_Now I know my heart is breakable_

_But I remember love, the true meaning of_

_I remember, I remember – love_

_**April 1814**_  
Now, there she was again, back in his life. He had not seen her since that day all those years ago when she left him at the inn. He knew how difficult a decision that must had been for her. And for him not to follow her and make her stay was the hardest thing he had ever done. Of course his life had turned out just as his uncle, the judge, had wanted. He was successful in his career and he had fathered quite the family. He suddenly realized that his daughter had been trying to tell him something.

"Papa?" she looked at him puzzled. She had not seen her father like this before.

"Yes, dear?" He turned his blue eyes towards her.

"I just wanted to thank you for introducing me to Miss Austen," said she.

"It was the least I could do. I know how you admire her work."

"How do you know her?"

"I knew the family a very long time ago," he answered in a voice that did not invite to further discussion about their acquaintance. He was not yet prepared to answer questions about that time in his life even though it had been quite some time. He just was not sure of how his family would react. How his wife in particular would react if she knew his connection to Miss Jane Austen and that Christmas Holiday in Hampshire.

His daughter knew better than to press the subject. He would tell her about his acquaintance to Jane Austen in due time. Her father had a look in his eyes that she had never before seen. He looked very distant. She wondered what Jane Austen meant to him. He had said that he knew her family a long time ago, but how come he had not mentioned it to her before? He knew how she loved her novels and had read the over and over. She wanted to know everything about the famous authoress. There was something more to this, more than what her father told her. She was quite determined to find out what he was not telling her.

-TBC-

**Reviews are most welcome!**


	2. Pondering

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Disclaimer:I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (Written by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 2: In which they ponder on their past**

_Though the years have come and gone_

_And by now we've both moved on_

_I admit that there are nights_

_When I wonder why_

_Why we said goodbye_

_**April 1814**_  
"Fancy meeting Mr. Lefroy at the opera," said her brother Henry at breakfast the next day.

"I shall never forgive you for putting me in that situation," returned Jane. "But, still I am glad to have met him and his daughter." Jane put on a brave face though her heart was aching and her head filled with bittersweet memories. Once again Thomas Lefroy had managed to turn her life upside down.

"And he named his daughter Jane," Henry said and winked at Jane. Henry still had his boyish charm and had never stopped jesting with his sister. He knew that his old friend had behaved very badly towards her and that her heart was still healing from it.

"Mmm," was all that Jane could offer as response. When she heard Tom call his daughter Jane at the opera she had been startled and her soul filled with sadness. That could have been her daughter.

"Henry, dearest," said his wife and put a hand over his when she saw that he wanted to continue on the subject. Eliza knew how this affected her poor cousin. Jane looked very pale, and did not seem to have slept much during the night.

Jane had been lying awake most of the night thinking of things that happened the night before and of course what had happened almost twenty years before. She had been haunted by memories form the past. She had not allowed herself to reflect on it for quite some time now. Though their story was in some ways entwined in her novels, she would never admit that to anyone but herself. He had implied that her horizons needed to be widened and that was exactly what he had done.

_**December 1795**_  
She had been dreading the assembly ball. It was not that she did not like to dance but Jane knew that Mr. Wisley, Lady Gresham's nephew, had taken a keen interest in her and she supposed she would be obligated to at least one dance with him. She did not look forward to that. She had not the smallest interest of encourage him in his pursuit of her hand in marriage. He was wealthy for sure but Jane Austen was determined not marry for anything other than the deepest affection. No matter what her dear mamma said.

When they arrived at the Basingstoke Assembly, Jane found herself looking for the arrogant Irish gentleman from the other day. There was something about him that intrigued her. The way he had spoken to her in the forest. He was a handsome man with piercing blue eyes that seemed to look straight into her soul. Too bad his manners did not match his looks. She found herself a bit disappointed when she did not see him anywhere. Mr. Wisley was there and his aunt. Jane shrugged at the sight of the two. She tried to hide from Mr. Wisley when she saw that he was moving towards them when the caller announced the next dance.

"May I have the honour?" said her brother Henry and held out a hand towards their cousin Eliza de Feullide.

"How kind, cousin," replied Eliza with an inviting smile and took his hand and left Jane alone just as Mr. Wisley found his way to them.

"Miss Austen," he said with a bow.

"Mr. Wisley," Jane answered with a curtsey though her eyes wandered about the room in search for a way out.

"May I have the pleasure of this next dance?" And since Jane could not find any way out of it she had no choice but to accept. Mr. Wisley was not a great dancer. She suspected he did his best, but it was not enough for her to enjoy it. They had not done many turns before he stepped on her foot by mistake. Jane cried out in pain and almost fell over.

"Oh! I am mortified. I practised, but it won't stick," cried Mr. Wisley, looking embarrassed and chocked. Jane tried to smile reassuringly as she glanced around the ball room. Her eyes suddenly landed on Mr. Lefroy who was standing with his cousin and aunt on the balcony above. He was looking down at her with a content smirk on his face. He seemed to find some pleasure in her misfortune. Jane clenched her teeth. _Oh, no, Mr. Lefroy. I am not afraid of you! You will not have that satisfaction. I will not be intimidated by you!_ She turned to Mr. Wisley again with a forced smile and finished the dance.

Jane went in search of her brother and cousin after the humiliating dance and found them upstairs at the same balcony where Mr. Lefroy had been standing. Henry, Eliza and Lucy Lefroy were looking down at the dancing crowd.

"Ah, sister," Henry said and turned to her.

"What do you make of Mr. Lefroy?" asked her cousin as she saw Mr. Lefroy making his way through the dancing couples.

"We're honoured by his presence," returned Jane with a smirk.

"You think?" Eliza looked at her with questioning eyes.

"He does, with his preening, prancing, Irish-cum-Bond-Street airs." Jane sipped on her wine.

"Jane," said her brother with a warning tone of voice, Mr. Lefroy was after all a friend of his.

"Well, I call it very high indeed, refusing to dance when there are so few gentlemen." She motioned her hand towards the amount of ladies in want of a partner. "Henry, are all your friends so disagreeable?"

"Jane," her brother tried to make her aware of the fact that the gentleman they were talking about was making his way towards them and was in earshot.

"Where exactly in Ireland does he come from, anyway?" asked Jane.

"Limerick, Miss Austen," a voice came from behind her. Jane was startled and she turned with flushed cheeks towards Mr. Thomas Lefroy who was standing right behind her. He said: "I would regard it as a mark of extreme favour if you would stoop to honour me with this next dance." With her brother and cousin giggling at her behind her she had no choice but to accept.

"Being the first to dance with me, madam, I feel it only fair to inform you that you carry the standard for Hampshire hospitality," he said as the music started.

"Ah, then your country reputation depends on my report," Jane answered. "This, by the way, is called a country dance, after the French,_contredanse,_" she returned next time their paths crossed, she felt the need to let him know that she was cultivated and educated. "Not because it is exhibited at an uncouth rural assembly with glutinous pies, execrable Madeira and truly anarchic dancing." She found that the Irish rogue actually was quite the dancer, much to her surprise. His hand in hers sent tingling sensations up her arm, his scent as they twirled chest to chest._ Keep your head straight, Jane_, she said to herself. _He is a most insufferable man._

"You judge the company severely, madam."

"I was describing what you'd be thinking." She had to remain unaffected by him. _His dashing looks have no impact on me. _

"Allow me to think for myself," returned he with a frown.

"Gives me leave to do the same, sir, and come to a different conclusion. Will you give so much to a woman?"

"It must depend on the woman and what she thinks of me."

"But you are above being pleased." She was sure she had him figured out.

"And I think that you, miss, what was it?" He was teasing her.

"Austen. Mr...?"

"Lefroy. I think that you, Miss Austen, consider yourself a cut above the company."

"Me?" She looked at him incredulously.

"You, ma'am, secretly." He smiled at her, bowed and left her puzzled.

She tried to remain unaffected by him, but found herself once more standing up with him to dance, much to her family's surprise and Mr. Wisley and his aunt's dismay.

"How many times did you stand up with that gentleman, Jane?" asked her mother as they were leaving for home.

"Was it twice?" asked Lucy who envied Jane for dancing with her cousin.

"Twice would have been partial. Thrice would have been absolutely..." her brother Henry begun.

And Lucy continued: "Flagrant."

"Careful, Jane, Lucy is right. Mr. Lefroy does have a reputation," Henry remarked.

"Presumably as the most disagreeable man I have ever met," said Jane and ended the discussion about her partiality towards Mr. Lefroy. She had no intentions on showing that she was finding him interesting. None what so ever.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy had actually enjoyed himself despite the rural society. He realised that they were not impressed by his town manners. Miss Jane Austen especially seemed to dislike him. He supposed he had not been at his best behaviour towards her or anybody else for that matter.

Judge Langlois had considered it as punishment for his young nephew's wild lifestyle and neglect of studies to make him go to his relations in Hampshire. Tom had been horrified. His relatives lived in the country! What good would come of being stuck in the country for a Christmas Holiday? Well, now he knew. A certain young dark eyed lady named Jane. Tom smiled to himself.

Jane challenged him with her sharp tongue and witty intellect. He had been quick to judge her but then again so had she. He had heard her describing him as being up on high horses because he did dance though gentleman was scarce. _Oh, you think you have me figured out, Miss Austen. But I will prove you wrong! _

_**April 1814**_  
Looking back, he was rather thankful towards his uncle, Judge Langlois, for making him go to Hampshire that holiday, it had changed his life for the better. To his uncles satisfaction he had become a top student, but only after an unsuccessful attempt to make his uncle approve of him marrying a well educated lady with no fortune.

He knew his daughter would eventually ask more questions about his connection with Jane Austen. Especially since he had not mentioned her to his family. He wondered how his wife would react to the news about her husband knowing one of her favourite authoresses. They had never talked about his time in Hampshire. She knew nothing about his relationship with Jane; then again, she knew almost nothing about his life prior to their engagement. She had never asked about his past. Maybe it was a self preservation thing, there are things a wife does not want to know about her husband. He wondered if she knew that there had been someone else in his life at the time of their engagement. She had never asked what he had done when he had gone to his relations in Hampshire just after their engagement or why the journey had ended so abruptly.

He had to see Jane again before he went back to Ireland, just one last time and that would be the end of it. Just to explain, to remember and to be near her once more. A piece of his heart would always belong to her.

-TBC-

**Reviews are most welcome!**


	3. What if?

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins__ after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Disclaimer: __I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (__Written__ by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)__). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 3: In which they**** think of what could have been**

'_Cause I remember love so beautiful_

_Now I know my heart is breakable_

_But I remember love, the true meaning of_

_I remember, I remember - love_

_**April 1814**_  
Jane was torn between the urge to see him again and the sensible side of her that said that she had to let him be. There was no use in her going to him again. He was not hers anymore. He had not been hers since she left him at the inn that day in May 1797.

She wondered what would have happened if John Warren had not sent that letter to Judge Langlois. Had he given his consent then? She remembered that awful day when she sat outside his study at Cork Street. Tom had been asking for his uncle's consent to marry her, but just as he began his speech, his uncle had read a letter sent from Steventon. The judge was outraged and called Tom a 'love-sick whelp' and her a 'penniless little husband-hunter'.

If the letter had not been sent, would the judge have found her eligible? Probably not. He had other plans for his nephew. He had made it quite clear, that Jane was in no way a suitable wife for Tom Lefroy. At that time they had not known who the sender was. Jane had found out after the almost elopement the year after. She had detested John Warren since that day and had not been able to stay for long in his presence. He had said it was because he had always loved her.

John Warren had robbed her of her one chance of happiness. Jane had been devastated, but in time she had reconciled with her destiny: to put down in words how wonderful life could be with triumphant, happy endings and brilliant marriages. Her writing was the one thing that had improved.

Meeting Tom again had made her think of an idea for a new novel. A couple who had been broken apart meet again ten years later...

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy pondered on what would have happened if he had stuck by her and gone against is uncle. How would they have lived? Jane's argument for not proceed with the elopement was that their love would destroy his family and destroy itself because of that. She could not have that on her conscience. Neither could he, and that was the major reason to why he did not make a harder effort to make her stay when she left the inn. He took a sheet of paper from the stack and began writing a letter. _Dear Miss..._

"Papa?" His daughter came into his study. "Are you working?"

"No, dear, I am just writing a letter," he answered, put down his pen and turned his attention towards his daughter.

"I was considering a walk and was wondering if you would care to join me?"

"That would be lovely," said he. He needed to clear his head that was filled with images of a Miss Jane Austen. Her sad dark eyes haunted him. He had noticed that her left hand was still without a ring. _She never married_. He followed his daughter outside, but still his mind was somewhere else.

"Papa?"

"Hmm?"

"Deep in thought again?" asked his daughter with a faint smile. He had that distant look in his eyes again.

"I am sorry, I'm not very good company, am I?"

"At the moment, no," smiled his daughter.

"I am terribly sorry, Jane," said he with an apologetic smile. "So, what do you have planned for us this evening?"

"We have been invited to dine with the Jefferson's."

"Splendid," her father said.

"Who were you writing to earlier?"

"Oh… nobody." How could he tell his daughter he was writing to Jane Austen? A note asking her to allow him to visit.

"Is there any possibility for us to visit Jane Austen again, papa?" Tom's heart skipped a beat at the sound of her name. _Is she reading my mind?_

"Why?" He looked at her intensely.

"I just wanted to…"

"Jane, we cannot impose on Miss Austen's privacy like that," Tom cut her off.

"But…"

"No, Jane!" he said more harshly than intended, he had to see her alone. Without anyone else around he could speak with her as they used to.

"I am sorry, sir," she said quietly. Her father had never been talking to her in that tone of voice. Something was not right between her father and Miss Austen. But what? What had happened that made him not want to see her? Why would he not tell her?

-xxx-

Jane wondered if his wife was with him in town. If she was she should have been with them at the opera, of course. Jane could not help but feel slightly hopeful. For once in her life she had to follow her heart in pursuit of her own happiness. _Come what may!_ _Mr. Tom Lefroy, I am yours, heart and soul. _Jane felt like she was 20 again.

"Would you care for a walk, cousin?" Eliza asked.

"Hmm?" Jane looked up.

"You have been staring at the same page in that book for the last hour, cousin," Eliza remarked. "Maybe a walk would do some good?"

"Yes, you are right, Eliza. A walk would do fine." Jane rose.

"Is Tom in your thoughts again?"

"I am afraid so." Jane blushed. "I feel like… Oh, I do not know." Jane hesitated. Would Eliza approve of her meeting Tom again on her own?

"You still love him?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Is it that obvious? I just wish... I would so much... I would like to meet him again. Just to talk, to understand."

"I know, but is it wise?"

"No, probably not." Jane looked miserable. "I am a grown woman! I should not feel like a love-sick-puppy!"

Eliza put a hand on her arm. "Come; let us take that walk."

-xxx-

"Is not that Miss Austen over there?" Jane Lefroy pointed towards two ladies on the other side of the road. Her father glanced over.

"I believe it is," he answered. His cheeks reddened and his eyes began to sparkle. Jane noticed it and wondered what it meant. Although she was young she was a clever girl. She was now certain there had been something between her father and the authoress in the past. She noted that Miss Austen and her sister in law had spotted them and was now discussing something. Miss Austen looked flushed and almost bewildered. They seemed to come to a conclusion and came walking towards her and her father.

"Mr. Lefroy, Miss Lefroy." The ladies curtseyed.

"Miss Austen, Madame le Comtesse." Her father bowed and Jane curtseyed. She was eager to talk to Miss Austen, but she bit her tongue not to. "Enjoying the fine weather?"

"Indeed," answered Eliza. Miss Austen remained silent. Jane studied Miss Austen and her father closely. Their eyes had locked in a gaze that said more than a thousand words. She had never seen her father look like that at her mother. He looked young again. She really needed to know what had happened. But who could she ask? Who would have the knowledge? Not her mother she was sure she knew nothing about her father's past with Miss Austen. Asking her father or Miss Austen themselves was out of the question. That only left Miss Austen's brother and his wife. But when was she ever going to have the opportunity to speak with them? And would they choose to answer her questions?

-TBC-


	4. A letter from the past

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Disclaimer: I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (__Written__ by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)__). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 4: In which Jane Lefroy finds a letter from the past**

_I'__ve been losing faith each time I fall__  
__But I still believe, love conquers all_

_**April 1814**  
"__Jane, I have tried. I have tried and I cannot live this lie.__What value will there be in life if we are not together?__" _The words echoed in her head as she woke up the next day. The dream had been so vivid. She had been back in the forest again, back with Tom, in his arms. She had just learned about his engagement. He had come to offer an explanation in form of a letter, but ended up suggesting an elopement instead. She had agreed of course, she wanted to be with him. Nothing else mattered.

She sighed. The walk the day before had not made her situation any easier. He had been very attentive towards her, but still she knew he was married. She did not dare say anything of her feelings. His daughter was lovely as ever and very talkative. They had been invited to dine with them and another family this evening, and Jane did not know whether to look forward to it or not. She was still unsure whether his wife was with him in London. The subject had not come up. They had talked about everything but their families and their past.

-xxx-

As Jane Lefroy hung up her father's coat after their morning walk his pocket book fell out and a letter fell to the floor. The letter looked as if had been stacked in there for ages. It had obviously never been read since the sealing wax was still intact. It was addressed to Miss Jane Austen, Steventon, Hampshire. Jane gasped for air; the sender was her father. Jane quickly put the letter aside and the pocket-book in the coat again and hurried off. She did not dare show her father what she had found. She only hoped she would be able to put the letter back before he noticed it was missing. Now all she had to do was open the letter without leaving a mark. She could not believe what she was about to do. She needed to know the truth. She took a sharp knife and a candle from the kitchen. She used the lit candle to warm up the wax carefully and ever so gently pry the seal open with the knife without it breaking even though the wax seal was old and hard. She thanked the vast amounts of novels she had read.

_April 1797__, Ashe_

_My d__earest Jane,_

_By now the news of my engagement must have reached your ears. I ca__nnot begin to imagine how this affects you. We have not spoken since that awful day in August last year. I behaved very ill indeed. I beg of you to forgive me. I knew not what to do._

_I write you this letter in an attempt to explain myself. I know it is not enough when thinking of how I have behaved towards you. Please, Jane, please forgive me! _

_First;__ you know I am dependent on my uncle's money. If not for my own sake then for my family's sake. I am the eldest son and they are quite dependent on me. I have to marry someone my uncle approves of. My family cannot manage without my contribution. You have to understand._

_Secondly; I can never support you without my uncle's consent. He will cut me off and I will stand on my own. How will we live without money? _

_Now you might scorn me for disposing of myself without affection, but I have to for the sake of my family and their survival. How you must think of me. I, who mocked you for marrying without affection, is now about to do the same. No, not entirely without affection. She is a sweet girl. You would like her if you were to meet her. _

_I am to blame for the pain you now must feel. _

_Oh,__ my dear Jane, I do not see any other way… _

_Yours, affectionate as ever,_

_Tom Lefroy_

The girl he was mentioning was of course her mother. Jane Lefroy knew not what to think. What had happened since the letter had not reached it recipient and still lay in her father's pocket-book? She had found proof of her father's history with Miss Austen but now she knew not what to do with the knowledge. Her head was filled up with questions, but who could she ask? How much of this did her mother know? The letter was dated after their engagement and clearly suggested that her father had ended things with Miss Austen in favour of her mother. But the letter had never been read by anyone else than herself. Jane felt confused. Her parents had obviously married, but that was two years later. She had never heard of anything of why it was such a long engagement. This might be the reason why. She really needed to speak with someone.

-xxx-

Jane Austen took extra care when getting ready that night. She wanted to look her absolute best. If she was to meet Mrs. Thomas Lefroy she wanted to look dashing while doing it. She pulled her hair back in a style that she used to have when she was young. She had not worn her hair like that since her father died. It still suited her and made her look younger than her 38 years. She tried to remain calm and not to be too excited. But the gaze she had shared with Tom yesterday had given her hope. Maybe he still felt something after all these years. She was so happy to spend some time in his presence.

"Are you ready, sister?" Henry asked as he entered her room.

"Yes, brother, as ready as I ever will be!" Her eyes were glittering and her cheeks were glowing.

"Your carriage awaits milady," Henry made a mocking bow. She giggled a little and followed him outside.

-xxx-

"Everything set for dinner?" he asked his daughter as the clock drew nearer seven and their guest were about to arrive.

"Yes, papa," answered she with a small smile. "Are you looking forward to tonight?" she asked, still smiling.

"Yes, of course, to dine with friends is always a pleasure," said he and returned the smile. He wondered what she was getting at. She was looking at him suspiciously and seemed to analyse his expression. "Will you play for us tonight?"

"If you wish it."

"Of course, you do it so well," said he.

"I have heard that Miss Austen is quite the musician."

"She was. Why?"

"She could play for us," said his daughter. "She is probably much more proficient than me."

"I suppose if you ask her she probably would."

"Oh, I would love to hear her play," cried his daughter. The doorbell rang and ended the discussion regarding Miss Austen's musical capability. He wondered where his daughter was going with all these questions regarding Jane. He was a bit worried.

Their guests arrived. The dinner was excellent. His daughter had planned everything herself since her mother was absent. He was very proud of her. She was his guardian angel and his favourite.

-xxx-

Jane found Tom Lefroy charming as ever. He had not changed. He was still handsome though with a more distinguished air, his hair was turning grey but his eyes were still radiant. Jane herself had grown quieter and did not say much. When his daughter asked her to play the pianoforte she could not refuse. She enjoyed playing and singing and was considered a proficient musician.

"You play so well, Miss Austen," said Jane Lefroy as she had finished.

"You are too kind," replied Jane. "I do not play as much these days."

"My father said you were very good. And he is always right."

"Did he?" Jane blushed a little and turned her dark eyes towards Tom. Her eyes sparkled. "He is very kind."

"Did you know my father well, Miss Austen?" asked Miss Lefroy innocently. Jane's cheeks became redder.

"Well enough, I suppose," she said after a few moments hesitation. "It was a very long time ago and we were very young."

"Did you meet my mother?"

"No, I am sorry to say I did not. How is your mother? In good health I hope?" It was hard to ask about her so called rival, but she knew she had to. Miss Lefroy's questions were starting to bother her.

"The best, ma'am," answered Miss Lefroy and smiled as if she knew something Jane did not.

"And your brothers and sisters?"

"Oh they are all well, thank you! All five of them."

"What are you two ladies talking about?" Tom came and interrupted their discussion.

"Oh, nothing," answered his daughter lightly.

"I enquired of your family, Mr Lefroy," said Jane quietly and Tom's face darkened a little.

"I see, they are all well as I am sure my daughter informed you."

"Yes she did," answered Jane, and wondered why he sounded so defensive, as if he did not wish to speak of his family with her. Miss Lefroy looked as if she wanted to say something, but kept quiet and moved over towards Mr Austen and his wife instead, leaving her and Tom alone by the pianoforte.

"I trust you have enjoyed your evening?" asked he.

"Yes, thank you, very," she answered.

-xxx-

Jane watched her father and Miss Austen intensely the evening through. She was sure there still was some affection between them. She deliberately left them by the pianoforte just to see how they behaved when left to themselves. Also she wanted to take the opportunity to talk with Mr Austen and his wife about her father's relationship with Miss Austen. She began with Mrs Austen since Mr Austen was playing cards with the other couple in the company.

"Are you enjoying your evening, Madame le Comtesse?" she used the same title her father had.

"Please, do call me Eliza," she answered and smiled. "And yes, it is a splendid evening."

"I believe you also knew my father from his time in Hampshire?" said Jane.

"Yes, that is true. A very long time ago," answered Eliza. "He was a charming young man."

"He is the best father a girl could ever wish for."

"I am sure."

"Were you close?"

"Not really, no," answered Eliza evasively. "We saw each other at some social events. Your father was an excellent dancer."

"And Miss Austen? Was she close to my father?" Jane tried not to sound too eager. She saw that Eliza had trouble finding an answer to her rather direct question about their relationship.

"I believe they shared the same passion for novels and used to discuss them intensely," she finally said. _A clever woman, she does not say too much._

"My father is a great reader. He has read her novels, so have I and my mother on his recommendation."

"I am glad." Eliza looked uncertain as to how to handle her questions. "You ask a lot of questions."

"Papa never speaks of that time in his life. I just wanted to know more about him. And of course about Miss Austen."

"I see," said Eliza with a small smile.

"Miss Austen never married?"

"No," she said and then continued: "Not because she was without offers, but she was determined not to marry for anything but the deepest affection. And that man never came."

"I too would want to marry for love," said Jane.

"Love is wanted, but one cannot live on it," said Eliza quietly and glanced over at her father and Miss Austen who seemed deep in conversation.

-TBC-

**Reviews are most welcome**


	5. A letter from the present

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. __I also want to thank YOU for the lovely reviews! _

_Disclaimer: I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (__Written__ by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)__). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 5: In which Tom Lefroy gets a letter from the present**

'_Cause I remember love so beautiful__  
__Now I know my heart is breakable__  
__But I remember love, the true meaning of__  
__I remember, I remember - love._

"Your daughter is lovely, Tom," said Jane as Miss Lefroy left them. "Though very inquisitive."

"She is my favourite I must admit. She is a darling." He smiled lovingly towards his daughter who was looking their way.

"She is very fond of you too," said Jane with sadness in her voice. She was delighted to be in his and his daughter's presence but that also led her to remember the family she had never had and the children she never bore. "How are your brothers and sisters? There were a fair amount of siblings if I remember correctly?"

"They are all quite well, I thank you," replied Tom. "I was sorry to hear about your father, Jane."

"Yes, he is very much missed." Jane looked if possible even more miserable. "I was informed your dear mother was taken just before my father? I am very sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Jane. We were devastated." Tom looked at her with compassion. They had both lost a parent. Jane shrugged her shoulders and tried to look her normal happy self. "Jane, do you ever..." Tom hesitated, unsure how to continue.

"Yes?" She looked him straight in the eyes, ready to tell him. She knew what was to come before he asked. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to know that not a day went by without her thinking of what could have been. She wanted to throw herself in his arms as she had done during Lady Gresham's ball in 1796. But her sensible side made her come to her senses. They were not alone, they were both adults and one major fact still remained, he was married. She could not behave like a twenty year old.

"Do you ever think of us?" Tom continued.

"Tom, I..." Jane could not say what she wanted. Not here, not now, maybe not ever. _It is over, we will never be together… _

"Jane," he took one step closer. "Do you ever wonder what could have been?" He gazed into her eyes as if trying to find the answer there.

"Tom, don't," Jane whispered, glancing around to see if anyone was listening. Her eyes met Miss Lefroy's. She had her father's eyes. Jane could not bear being the ruin of their family. Not then and not now. How much she wanted to tell Tom about her feelings did not matter. She had to remain the sensible one. As always.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy was very happy to spend time with Jane Austen. It hurt him to see her so sad though. He realised how much their relationship and the end of that relationship had wounded her. Her eyes were not glittering as they used to, it was as if a veil was shading them and he could not read them as he used to. She looked so fragile and vulnerable. He felt a sudden urge to just fold her tightly in his arms and tell her that everything would be alright.

He wanted to talk to her about what had happened. Why she left him that day at the inn. Why she did not give their love a proper chance. Deep inside he knew why, but still, he wanted to hear the words from her lips. He wanted her to tell him that she had done it for him, for his family.

A hard knock on the front door interrupted his thoughts. Shortly a servant entered with a letter on a silver tray.

"Mr Lefroy, sir," said he and bowed. Tom took it and his face turned pale as he saw who the sender was.

"Papa, what is it?" cried his daughter with a worried face. Tom waved her off and opened the letter.

_Limerick, April 1814,_

_Mr Lefroy,_

_It has been bestowed upon me to be the bringer of some terrible news. I am afraid your presence in Limerick is wanted immediately. I am sorry to be the one to inform you that your wife, Mrs Lefroy, has taken very ill. I must ask you to leave for Limerick as soon as you possible can. _

_Yours &c,_

_Mr Barrington_

His face must have given away his feelings for the room was suddenly silent and everybody was watching him.

"Papa?" cried her daughter again. "Is something the matter? What is it?" Tom could not get a word out.

"Tom?" Jane Austen put a hand on his arm.

"It is my wife," he finally said with hoarse voice. His daughter let out a cry. He turned to the servant. "Our bags must be packed immediately. We must leave for Ireland at once!"

"Oh papa!" cried his daughter. "She will be alright, right?" She looked worriedly around in search for reassurance.

"We have to leave at once, dear." Tom could not tell her something he did not know. He was worried. He turned to the rest of the company: "I am sorry that this evening must come to an end. And in this manner. Please accept my deepest apologies, but I must rush to my wife's side." He looked at them with sorrowful eyes. When his eyes landed on Jane he tried to lock eye contact with her but she was examining her hands, unwilling to meet his gaze.

"Of course," mumbled Jane and the others.

"Fetch the carriages," called Tom to a maid who happened to enter the room just then. The maid curtseyed and left again.

"I hope it is nothing serious," said Jane to Tom as they said their goodbyes.

"I am afraid it is rather unknown at this point. The letter clearly stated that she had taken very ill, indeed."

"Please, if you can spare the time, let me know how she is doing," Jane said silently.

"I thank you for your concern, Miss Austen. I will let you know as soon as I know anything." He squeezed her hand hard.

"Mr Lefroy, Miss Lefroy." Jane Austen, her brother and his wife left together with the other couple.

-xxx-

Jane Austen feared the worst when no letter came for two weeks after Tom's hasty departure. They were about to leave town the day after and she had just begun packing her trunks when a knock on the front door interrupted her. Soon after her brother came to her room with a letter in his hand. Jane shone up.

"A letter for you, sister," said he and handed it over. "But not from whom you hope." Jane took the letter and as she turned it to open it she saw that the sender was Jane Lefroy.

"A word, at last," said she and tried to hide her disappointment that the sender was the daughter and not the father. The letter was written in a beautiful hand, though a bit childish rounded letters.

_Limerick, May 1814_

_Dear Miss Austen,_

_I am sorry for the late word, but my mother has been very ill indeed. My father sends his apologies for not writing this letter himself. He has hardly left my dear mamma's side since we arrived home. She is still in a critical state and the doctors do not know what is making her ill. They still fear for her life. I have been charged with taking care of everything else seeing as I am the eldest daughter. It is hard on my younger siblings, but I try to stay happy and positive in front of them. It pains me to see my father so distressed. I do not know what I would do if she left us. Our family would be devastated._

_I do not how to ask you this delicately. But I need to know about your past with my father. You must think I am out of my place in asking you this, but I hav__e found something that suggests that you were quite close to him once. I beg of you to answer truthfully even though it must seem awkward. I have to know the truth. My father is too preoccupied with my mother's illness to be bothered with my questions. And frankly, I do not trust him to tell me the truth. He is always so protective of me. It is rather tiresome sometimes. _

_Someone comes; I __must end this letter. I am wanted by my mother's side. I hope you will send me an answer shortly. _

_Yours truthfully,_

_Jane Lefroy_

Jane read the letter several times before actually understanding what Miss Lefroy was asking for. She frowned. _What has she found that points to my relationship with her father? _Jane was puzzled and unsure as to how to answer Miss Lefroy's rather frank question. Jane knew not what to do. She was truly sorry to hear the bad news about Mrs Lefroy and even more sorry to hear about Tom's distress. The weight on his shoulders must be great indeed. Poor Miss Lefroy to be left to run the family on her own. She was so young still. No daughter should need to do that so early in life.

Should she answer Miss Lefroy's letter truthfully without consenting her father? After dwelling on memories of from their past Jane decided to ask her cousin for advice.

-xxx-

"Did you send the letter to Miss Austen?" her father asked a few days after she had sent the letter with post.

"Yes, papa."

"Any reply?" Her father's voice sounded hopeful. He needed to think of something other than his poor wife.

"Not as yet. But it takes a few days to reach her. I just hope she has not left London." Her father smiled.

"I am glad that you like her." Jane looked at him with a puzzled smile. It was almost s if he was asking for her approval of Miss Austen.

"She is a very kind person," she answered evasively. "I do admire her." She looked at him earnestly. "Is mamma any better?"

"Still no improvement I am afraid," her father looked concerned. "Jane, we must consider the possibility…" his voice was caught in his throat and his eyes filled with tears. He tried to blink the tears away, but in vain. A tear trickled down his cheek. She put a hand on his arm. Her father suddenly looked so vulnerable and she felt like as if she was the adult and he was the child. She wiped the tear away.

"Please, do not say the words. Mamma will be fine!" Jane put on a cheerful face.

"Jane, we have to be prepared if the worst happens." He took her hands between his. Jane did not want to listen to that speech. She rose.

"I need some air," said she. Her father rose as to accompany her out. "Alone." She looked at him with begging eyes. _I cannot talk about this now. I need to be alone. _Tears were burning in her eyes and her vision was blurred. She had kept her feelings locked inside for so long and they threatened to suffocate her. She ran from the house to the nearby shrubbery where she knew she was not going to be seen by anyone. Everybody was depending on her now that her mother was ill. A young girl can only take so much. When she was sure she all alone and nobody could see her she sank to the ground and buried her face in her hands and let her tears finally flow free. _What will become of us?_

-TBC-

**Reviews are most welcome**

Thank you for all your lovely reviews and kind words!


	6. A letter sent

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I have used lyrics from Sarah Dawn Finer's 'I Remember Love' (__Written__ by Sarah Dawn Finer & Peter Hallström (Copyright Control / AirChrysalis Scandinavia)__). I do not own the lyrics, Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. I also want to thank YOU for the lovely reviews! __I am sorry for the late update! But with a little encouragement (you know who you are), here is part 6! _

**Part 6****: In which Jane Austen finally writes a letter**

_Yes, I remember, I remember love_

_Now I know my heart is breakable_

_When we see your face, as I hear your voice_

_I remember, I remember - love_

_**May 1814**_  
Thomas Lefroy feared for his wife's life. She did not show any signs of improvement and her fever would not yield. Now he was wanted in court, though he did not want it he had to leave his eldest daughter in charge with the help of the servants and house keeper. Tom could not help but see how troubled Jane was and how her mother's illness affected her. She grew quieter by the day and her once rosy cheeks were pale and her eyes were clouded with worry and exhaustion. She was persistent of not talking about what could happen. In fact, she rarely spoke to him at all lately. Not after their last talk about facing the facts. The truth was that he could do nothing to make it better and it was killing him. He hated that she was forced to grow up too soon.

They took turns in sitting by Mrs Lefroy's side, but Jane had lately relieved him oftener as for him to continue his correspondences and other pressing matters. He disliked having to leave Jane alone with everything at the house, but there was no other way, someone had to earn their living.

-xxx-

"So, the dark secret of your past is out?" Eliza said with a small smile after reading the letter from Miss Lefroy.

"It was not dark, dear Eliza. But it seems so, yes, but I am sure she has not discussed the matter with anyone. She writes that she cannot talk to her father about it. So it is not commonly known as of yet." Jane Austen smiled faintly.

"What will you do, dear cousin?" Eliza wondered.

"I have to write to Tom and ask what to do. After all she is his daughter. I do not know what it is that she thinks she has found that points to my relationship to Tom." Jane was getting anxious and her cheeks were turning red with worry.

"What can she have found?" Eliza asked. "Did you send him letters?"

"No I never did." Jane looked even more worried. "And he never sent me any. That I know of I shall say. Maybe he keeps a journal of some sort."

"Yes, that could be it," replied Eliza. "But what child would look into her father's things?"

"She is a very curious girl, no doubt," smiled Jane. "When she has set her mind to one thing she follows it through it seems."

"Yes, so it seems."

"I am writing Tom then," Jane said and rose to retire to her room. This was not going to an easy task, even for an authoress.

-xxx-

"Mamma?" Jane patted her mother's damp forehead with a wet cloth. Her mother was stirring; she had been falling in and out of consciousness for some time now. Mrs Lefroy's eyelids fluttered and dark eyes, glossy from fever, tried to focus on Jane's face. "How are you feeling today, mamma?" Jane asked anxiously.

"Oh, my dear Jane," came the weak response. "I do believe I am feeling a bit better today." Jane helped her to a sip of water.

"Papa had to leave for court," Jane told her mother.

"Of course…" her mother looked weary from talking. "I am sorry for putting you through all this."

"Hush, do not say that," said Jane and took her hand. "It is not your fault you are ill."

"I know you are strong, Jane, you have that after you father." Her mother coughed. "But do not take all this upon yourself." Her mother looked at her with worried eyes.

"I can take care of myself, mamma," replied Jane.

"Yes, that is what I fear. You are only a child still. If I do not beat this..." her mother's voice trailed off.

"You are going to be fine, mamma!" Jane exclaimed heatedly.

"If I do not beat this, you will be left to take care of you father and you will have to grow up all too fast," said her mother.

"Do not speak of it! You have to believe that you can beat this!" Jane's cheeks turned red with emotion. "I will not hear you speak like that! You shall conquer this! I will leave you now. You need to rest." Jane quitted her mother's room in haste. She felt like she was the only one who believed her mamma would recover. _If she does not think herself that she will recover, she never will. _

Jane regretted her heated outburst as soon as she came to her senses. It was just too much. She felt alone since her father had left. She regretted that she had been avoiding him since their last talk. Deep inside she knew she had to prepare for the worst. She also had to be strong for her brothers and sisters who did not seem to understand the full extent of their mother's illness.

-xxx-

Jane Austen sat by her writing table unable to write down one single word on paper to Tom Lefroy. Writers block was something she seldom had experienced, if ever. But to write a letter to a former close friend and almost lover questioning his daughter's assumptions was not an easy task. Even for an authoress. Her thoughts wandered back through time, back to a time when she thought he was the man she would spend the rest of her life with.

_**January 1796**_  
"I have learned of Mr. Wisley's marriage proposal. My congratulations," he said as he found her by the pond to where she had escaped after being repremanded by Lady Gresham. She turned to him with sad eyes.

"Is there an alternative for a well-educated young woman of small fortune?" Jane asked hoping for Tom to provide her with a way out.

"How can you have him? Even with his thousands and his houses, how can you, of all people, dispose of yourself without affection?" He did not even look at her. His voice was cold.

"How can I dispose of myself with it? You are leaving tomorrow." She gazed at him, and then moved closer. Her blood rushed in her body, he was so close. The emotions his presence woke in her was both making her afraid and giving her courage to do something she had always wanted to. Jane leaned even closer and kissed him on the lips. He was startled at first, but then eagerly kissed her back. His hands cradled her face. They broke free and gazed at each other, both astonished by her action. "Did I do that well?" She asked after a while.

"Very, very well," answered Tom with a smile. He fondled her chin, not wanting to let the moment end, gazing deep in to her eyes.

"I wanted, just once, to do it well," said Jane. They were interrupted by some gentlemen coming towards the pond. Tom took her hand and took her with him deeper into the shadows.

He said as he tugged her along: "I have no money, no property. I am entirely dependent upon that bizarre old lunatic, my uncle. I cannot yet offer marriage. But you must know what I feel. Jane, I'm yours. Gah, I'm yours, heart and soul. Much good that is. Much good that is." Jane could hardly believe what she was hearing. He felt the same. He loved her! Her heart sang with joy.

"Let me decide that," said she with a smile and took his hands. The gentlemen by the pond seemed to be following them and they went even deeper into the shrubberies.

"What will we do?" Tom asked.

"What we must," breathed Jane and kissed his hand.

_**May 1814**_  
The memory of the kiss still made her blush. Her forwardness to do something like that still astonished her. She had believed that everything would end well. That his uncle would approve of her, but he had not. Tears swelled in her dark hazel eyes by the memory, but she wiped them away irritatingly. _I am a grown woman, for heaven's sake!__I am not the foolish, naive girl I was then!_ She finally put the pen to the paper.

_Chawton, May 1814_

_My dearest Tom,_

_It pains me to hear that your wife is still unwell. I hope by the time of the arrival of this letter she will have recovered. _

_We left town a few days ago and are now back in our little cottage in Chawton. We left as soon as my latest novel was published. Your daughter's letter was lucky to still find me in town. I hope she is well. I was a little surprised, and to be honest slightly disappointed when she was the one who sent the letter and not you, Mr Lefroy. Is not that common courtesy among friends, to keep their promises to one another? _

_Your daughter asked me a rather blunt question. __I do not know how to answer it, not without consulting you. Miss Lefroy seems to think she has found some evidence that point to us being close once. Now she begs for the truth from me. She does not think you will tell her the truth. _

_I cannot for the life of me understand what she means. I have not written to you and as far as I know you never sent me any letters. I do not know how to answer her question. How do you tell the daughter of a man you once thought would be your husband that you were once almost engaged to her father? Tell me, Mr Lefroy, what shall I do? What can she have found?_

_With this letter I also send you my latest novel for your daughter. I hope it will bring her some relief during this testing time in your lives. Please send her my regards and let her know that I am praying for you all. _

_Yours affectionately,_

_Jane Austen_

She considered signing it with _'Yours, as always'_, but quickly changed her mind. If the letter was read by the wrong eyes... Jane sighed and put the pen down. There, it was done. She just hoped for him to answer her quickly. She reached for her novel _Mansfield Park_, and wrote a dedication for Miss Lefroy inside. _To Miss Jane Lefroy, in a time of need every heroine needs to dream herself away. Yours truthfully, a Lady (JA). _She sealed the letter and wrapped it and the novel in paper and wrote the address carefully.

-TBC-

**Reviews are most welcome**


	7. Facing the facts

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer:__I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. I also want to thank you for the lovely reviews!_

**Part 7: In which**** the Lefroys starts to face the facts**

_**May 1814**_  
Being away from his home for only a short time made Tom Lefroy even more distressed. But he had been away from the Bar too long, though he could do much from home, his reports had been delayed as of late due to his wife's illness. The gentlemen around him recognised his distress and sent him home as soon as it was possible. He was of no help to them in this state.

Tom was afraid of not being at home, should the worst happen. He wanted to be by his wife's side at all times. As he finally came home he rushed inside hoping to find his wife fully recovered. But the physician greeted him instead.

"I am terribly sorry to tell you this, Mr Lefroy, but she is not improving," said a distraught Mr Barrington when he met Tom. "I have done everything in my power to cure her. There is really nothing more I can do for your wife." That was not what Tom had been expecting to hear."There is absolutely nothing you can do for her?" Tom looked hopefully at the physician.

"I am afraid it is just a matter of time now. She is rarely conscious, she cannot rest calmly. But she has been asking for you, sir. Calling your name time after time." It pained Tom to hear of his wife's distress. He wanted to run to her room immediately but hurried footsteps behind him made him hesitate.

"Of course," said Tom. He caught a glimpse of his daughter's hurried figure at the corner of his eye. She was hurrying away from them. "I shall see her after I speak to my daughter."

"Might I add that we are truly blessed that none of the children has been infected." The physician looked slightly relieved.

"I suppose we are, Mr Barrington," replied Tom.

"Very well then, I will let Mrs Lefroy know that you will attend to her shortly," said Mr Barrington with a bow and hurried back to his patient's side.

Tom tried to catch up with his fleeing daughter. He suspected that she had overheard his discussion with Mr Barrington. He found her at last half hidden in one of shrubberies outside. She was kneeling on the green grass with her head buried in her hands. Tom heard her smothered sobs and his heart were struck with a pang of guilt.

"My dearest Jane," he whispered and kneeled beside her, stroking her hair out of her face.

"Oh, papa!" cried she and threw herself in his waiting embrace. He held her tightly against his chest and gently rubbed her back. "Is there absolutely no hope for mamma's recovery?" she murmured against his chest.

"I am afraid the physician has done everything in his human power. It is in God's hands now."

"I have behaved so very ill," cried Jane.

"I am sure you have done nothing wrong, Jane," he assured her, unsure as to what she was referring to.

"No, papa, I have done something terribly wrong," she cried and looked up into his blue eyes. "I found something and I read it, though it was not for me to read."

"Jane, what is it?" Tom looked at his daughter with puzzled eyes. _What on earth is she talking about? My sweet Jane has never done anything wrong in her life. _

"I too ashamed to tell you, papa." Jane looked down at her entwined hands. Tom could see that she was truly distressed.

"What ever it is I am sure it is not as bad as you think it is, Jane."

"Oh, but it is bad indeed, papa!" Jane hid her face in her hands again. Her cheeks were turning red with shame.

"Would not you feel better if you just told me what it is, Jane?" he asked and took her cheek in his hand and forced her to look at him.

"I cannot, papa," cried Jane with tears flowing down her cheeks. "I have been a very wicked daughter indeed." She rose and ran off before Tom could stop her. What on earth was she talking about? Jane was a most obliging girl and never did any harm or mischief.

-xxx-

In her room Jane Lefroy was pacing around, anxious. She had to tell her father, she realised that. She wanted him to hear it from her and not from Miss Austen. She had no hopes in Miss Austen's secrecy. Jane could not ask that of her, and she had not urged her to keep the matter to herself either. But how would it look? She had been prying around among his personal belongings. She was so ashamed of what she had done. Her curiosity had driven her too far that time when she found the letter. Why had not she just put it back in his coat and forgotten about it?

Jane could not forget how altered in spirit her father had been when they were abroad. Now he looked rather unwell, of course due to her mother's illness, Jane realised that, but still the way he was when in London, that was a side of him she had never before seen. Jane could not help but think that he had behaved so differently in London than she was used to at home. Especially around a certain authoress, she must admit.

A quiet knock on her door brought her back to her senses. She wiped her wet cheeks and tried to look as happy as she could.

"Yes?" She called and one of the maids entered.

"Mrs Lefroy wishes to see you, Miss," said she with a curtsey.

"Thank you, Millie, I shall be there shortly." She checked her face in her mirror before she left her room. She didn't want any signs of tears to be showing when seeing her mother. She went to her mother's room and found her whole family gathered by her mother's bed. She glanced anxiously at her father to see if something was amiss. But he just looked deep in thought and very grave indeed. Her mother was stirring in the bed and looked even paler than she had done the day before. Jane smiled faintly at her as she sat down on her bed and took the damp cloth to pat her forehead with.

"Oh, dear me, you are all here," her mother whispered when seeing her whole family gathered around her bed. She tried to sit up against the head of the bed, but was too weak to be able to do it without help. Jane and her father helped her to sit up and propped the pillows up behind her mother's back.

"Yes, my dear," said her father and sat down on the other side of the bed and took her hand. "We are all here as requested by you, dear Mary." The younger children climbed up in the bed to hear what their mother was going to say.

"I want you all to listen very carefully," said Mrs Lefroy quietly. "I am going to be honest with all of you. You all know that I am very ill." She paused and was overpowered by a coughing spell. Jane helped her to take a sip of water and the wiped her damp forehead.

"Do not exert yourself, you need every strength to recover," cried Jane.

"The physician tells me it is only a matter of time, my dear Jane, it is all in God's hands now," her mother whispered. The youngest children started whimpering and weeping. Jane herself found it hard not to cry, but remained composed though tears formed in her eyes and slowly ran down her cheeks. Her father held her mother's hand and looked down on her with great pain written on his face. It dawned on Jane; she was probably going to be motherless very soon.

-xxx-

"A package for you, sir," a servant said as Tom went past the front door. "I just picked it up at the post, sir."

"Thank you, Jones," answered Tom and took the parcel. He recognised the handwriting as Jane Austen's and wondered a bit about the parcel. He retired to his study before opening it. It included her latest novel and a letter addressed to him. He opened the novel and found an inscription for Jane in it so he set it aside. He could read it after she was done with it. Tom opened the letter and read it with growing anxiety and utter astonishment. Was this the wickedness his daughter had mentioned when he came home from town? He as well as Miss Austen wondered what she had meant. He suddenly realised what Jane must have meant, and went to fetch his pocket-book. The letter looked as it always had. It did not seem to have been tampered with and unread as always. He had to speak with his daughter about all this.

The past had caught up with him and in all his worry about his wife's condition warm, loving feelings towards the authoress overpowered him momentarily. The way she had refused him at the inn…

_**May, 1797**_  
The post had stopped for refreshments and watering of the horses. Tom seated Jane at a table by a window and went to fetch drinks. They were going to be man and wife very soon. His heart was filled with joy and love for her. She was his! As he gave her a glass of wine she took a deep sip and then gazed up at him with sad dark eyes, looking very distressed. He suddenly felt like something was amiss.

"How many brothers and sisters do you have in Limerick, Tom?" asked she quietly.

"Enough. Why?" he asked. Why this sudden interest in his family?

"What are the names of you brothers and sisters?" she asked, with an intensive gaze.

"They..." He saw his own pocket-book in her hands and a letter, which he recognised as one from his mother.

"On whom do they depend?" she asked and Tom sighed. His heart was filled with pain when he realised that she had second thoughts. It was true that his family depended on him, but he was sure he could make it work. "Your reputation is destroyed. Your profligacy is a beautiful sham." She ushered the letter forward to him so he could read it.

"I can earn money."

"It will not be enough."

"I will rise." He was sure he would be able to provide for them. Why could not she believe in him? Why was not their love enough?

"With a High Court Judge as your enemy? And a penniless wife? God knows how many mouths depending on you? My sweet, sweet friend, you will sink, and we will all sink with you."

"I will..."

He was cut off by a coachman: "Hampshire Flyer. Hampshire Flyer's leaving in five minutes." Jane took her bonnet and prepared to leave him. He took hold of her hand.

"No! No, Jane. I will never give you up." He would not survive if she was not in his life.

"Tom…" she started.

"Don't speak or think. Just love me. Do you love me?" He loosened his grip of her hand and looked straight into her dark hazel eyes.

"Yes," replied she. He felt relieved for a moment, but she continued; "But if our love destroys your family, it will destroy itself." In a way he knew she was right. He had once chosen his family above his love for her. But that was his choice, not hers.

"No."

"In a long, slow degradation of guilt and regret and blame."

"That is nonsense." Tom would not listen to reason.

"Truth." She smiled faintly. "Made from contradiction. But it must come with a smile. Or else I shall count it as false and we shall have had no love at all." He let go of her hand. He could not bear to hear her, did not want to hear her.

"Please," he begged with tears in his blue eyes. But Jane rose decidedly.

"Goodbye," said she and walked out, not once looking back. He knew not what to do. His heart was crushed. He rose and went outside. He knew she was right; his family was going to suffer the consequences of their marriage and so would they.

He watched as the coach went past him, strained himself not to rush after it and stop it. He saw her sad face in the window. He was left standing in the middle of the road, his heart aching for her, as the coach drove out of the village. That was the hardest choice he had ever made, letting her go.

_**May, 1814**_  
Tom Lefroy realised that he had to tell all to his wife before it was too late. She had the right to know about his past with Miss Austen and what had happened just after their engagement. Though she had never asked he was certain that she knew that there had been someone in his life at the time. But his dear Mary had never asked him about it. He loved her for accepting him as he was and loving him unconditionally. Now the truth had to be said. Everything needed to be set straight. But first he had to see to his daughter.

-TBC-

As always your reviews is what keeps me going!


	8. Show and Tell

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: __I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Many thanks to my friends who have encouraged me to write and to the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. I also want to thank you for the lovely reviews!_

**Part 8: In which they**** play show and tell**

_**May, 1814**_

Jane Austen had never been waiting for a letter with such anxiety. Her writing had been put on hold and she did not seem to be able to do anything but pace around. Her mother and sister looked at her great despair with wonder but did not dare ask what the matter was. They had not seen her quite like this before. Her usual walks were taken in deep reflexion and quietness and she seemed to prefer to be left alone with her thoughts. She had not told them what had happened in London and who she had met.

"Jane, dearest, would you care for some tea?" asked her mother one afternoon. Jane who had been doing some needle work looked up, startled by not being alone.

"Yes, mamma, that would be nice," she answered with a small smile. The maid soon came in with a tray of refreshments.

"Is there something you want to tell me, dear?" Her mother gazed on her with an encouraging smile.

"Well, mamma," Jane hesitated. What would her mother think? She had never warmed to Tom Lefroy and to tell her that he was back in her life. No, that was out of the question. Cassandra might understand her, but not her mother. "Nothing, mamma," she finally said.

Her mother had never warmed to the idea of her daughter marrying an Irish scoundrel with a reputation. Jane was sure she would not appreciate her being acquainted with the man who almost cost her daughter her reputation. Even if he now was a respected judge. And married, Jane reminded herself. If her mother found out that she was in danger of falling in as much love with him again she would surly lock her up and throw away the key. Even though Jane was now nearing the age of 40.

No, the only one besides Henry and Eliza that could know was Cassandra. Since Henry and Eliza had left she needed someone to confide in.

"So, you have not told me about London yet, Jane," her mother said innocently. Jane felt her cheeks turn red.

"It was lovely, mamma," was all she could offer as reply. At least it was an honest answer.

Jane felt like Marianne Dashwood waiting for a letter from Willoughby. Still no letter came for her. She feared the worst. His wife's death must be the only reason why he would not reply to her letter.

-xxx-

"Jane, dear," Tom Lefroy called softly as he knocked on the door to his daughter's room. He heard a muffled 'come in' and he entered. He had brought the novel Miss Austen had sent her. His daughter was laying on her bed with her nose in one of her many books. "What are you reading?" She looked up at him with eyes red with tears.

"Sense and Sensibility," replied she.

"Ah, a very good choice. You have another one here." He held out the book he had been carrying behind his back. "Miss Austen sent it for you."

"You opened it?" Jane looked astonished.

"It was addressed to me, including this novel and a letter." Jane's face turned red. "Care to explain what you wrote in your letter to Miss Austen?" he asked demandingly. Tears prickled in her eyes and she looked down.

"I just... Oh papa, what have I done?"

"I do not know. Why do not you tell me?" He sat down on the bed next to her. She looked up at him with large blue sad eyes.

"I accidently came across an old letter from you to Miss Austen." She looked down again; her cheeks were turning a deeper shade of red. Tom had thought as much.

"And?" he urged her to continue.

"And, since I noticed the way you were looking at her in London I just had to open it!" she blurted out with hot red face and tears in her eyes. He could see that she regretted her action.

"Jane, that was not for you to read. How did you open it without me seeing it was tampered with?" Tom felt confused, when he had checked the letter it looked unopened.

"I have read many stories about prying men. I just used a knife and a candle," she smiled faintly.

"I see, so you read it. Though it was addressed to Miss Austen?"

"Yes, I am so sorry papa! I just wanted to know how you know her! You do not tell me anything."

"I do not see why that would be of any interest to you." Tom felt his face grow hot as he spoke. "My past is not of your concern."

"Does mamma know?" Jane looked at him intensely.

"No, I have not told her. Not yet anyway. But I will." Tom was going to see his dying wife afterwards.

"So you and Miss Austen were romantically involved?"

"I am not going to discuss this matter with my daughter!"

"Why not, papa? I have already read the letter. I know what happened."

"No, you do not know, Jane," Tom sighed. How come his daughter was so curious all of a sudden? "And I am not going to tell you until you are old enough to understand." He rose. "Miss Austen was good enough to write a dedication for you in the novel. Though you do not deserve it." He was very cross with her, but even more cross with himself. He left Jane to ponder on her action and went to see his wife.

-xxx-

Jane had never felt so ashamed of herself in her eleven year old life. She had never gone against her parents will, never talked back. She did not like the fact that everybody still treated her like a little girl that should not concern herself with adult things. It was all very vexing. Why could not her father just admit that he and Miss Austen had been connected once? Was he afraid of what she might think?

Jane opened the novel Miss Austen had sent her and read the inscription. _To Miss Jane Lefroy, in a time of need every heroine needs to dream herself away. Yours truthfully, a Lady (JA)._ She smiled softly to the remark of her being a heroine. At least Miss Austen was not very cross with her. Maybe she understood her want to know about her father's past. She took the book and lay down on the bed again and started reading.

'_About thirty years ago Miss Maria Ward, of Huntingdon, with only seven thousand pounds, had the good luck to captivate Sir Thomas Bertram, of Mansfield Park, in the county of Northampton, and to be thereby raised to the rank of a baronet's lady, with all the comforts and consequences of an handsome house and large income.__' _

-xxx-

"Is she conscious?" Tom asked Mr. Barrington as he met him outside his wife's room.

"At the moment, yes," the physician answered. "You should probably say your goodbyes soon."

"Yes, you are right," Tom said with pain shooting through his heart. He opened the door and went inside. The curtains were not parted and the room rested in gloomy dusk and only one candle by her bed offered any light. The fire was just glowing faintly. He went to the fire and put some logs on it to make it enflame again. The air felt musty and he went for the windows to let some light and fresh air in. As he drew the curtains he heard his wife stir in bed. The May sun fell on her pale face and she slowly opened her eyes. Tom opened a window and then turned to the bed and smiled at Mary.

"Good day my dearest," he said softly.

"My love," she whispered just as softly and smiled. Tom walked over and sat down at her side and took her hand in his. It felt so small and fragile, almost breakable.

"How are you feeling today, my love?" he asked.

"As before. Nothing more, nothing less."

"There is something I must tell you, dear Mary," said he and looked down at her with the softest blue eyes. "I must tell you about my past before it is too late." He looked at her urgently.

"I do not need to know about your past, my dearest Tom," his wife smiled at him. "All I need to know is that you love me and will take care of our children after I am dead."

"I do love you, but you already know that, Mary. But this is something else. Something I have never told you."

"I know you had a reputation when I met you, dear," Mary said. "I loved you too much to care. And I like to think I have managed to straighten you out pretty well." She giggled softly.

"Yes, my dear. But that is not what I want to tell you," Tom looked at her with begging eyes. "I need to tell you about what happened just before we met, in Hampshire. About who I..." Tom trailed off. He had trouble with finding the right words. How do you tell your wife about a woman you loved before her?

"Go on, dear," Mary urged.

"I have to tell you about who I was with before, and somewhat during, our first years together," Tom finally said. He looked down at her and their eyes locked. He was sure she would forgive him, and hopefully she would understand why he had not told her sooner.

"I knew that there was someone else at the time, Tom. A girl knows those things. But you chose me. That is all I need to know. You do not have to tell my about the other love of your life." Mary coughed. _I am going to lose her. I am going to be a widower._

"I need to tell you this, Mary. Please do not interrupt me or I will not have the nerve." His wife smiled up at him, recognising his distress and urgent need of getting this of his chest. She did not speak another word until he had gotten it all out. The whole story was now out. From the first meeting at Steventon till the elopement and now the recently encounter in London. Mary lay silent for a while. "Please say something," he begged when he was finished.

"That was not what I was expected," she finally said. "I cannot believe you never told me you are acquainted with one of my favourite authoresses." She looked almost offended.

"How does a man tell his wife about his relationship to another woman?"

"True. I cannot believe you were so afraid of telling me. I cannot believe you did not trust me enough to tell me!" Mary started coughing violently. Tom reached for the glass of water by her bed and helped her to a sip. She finally stopped coughing and lay gasping for air for a while before she was able to breathe normally again.

"How could I tell?" Tom looked at her sincerely.

"Do you still love her?" Tom was startled by the question. "Please, answer the question," his wife whispered with quivering voice. He had to tell her how he felt for Miss Austen or the whole idea of him telling everything was lost.

"In a way, yes," he said truthfully, "but not like I loved her then. And most definitely not as I love you." She let out a sigh. "I have never really stopped loving her." He looked at her with sincere eyes. There, it was said.

"I see. Do you think she still loves you?"

"I do not know, Mary," cried Tom. "How does one know these things? And why is my wife inquiring of the feelings of another?"

"Tom, I am dying," she said as a matter of factly. "I am merely thinking of how you will manage without me."

"I will never marry again!" Tom exclaimed heatedly. He could not believe what his wife was saying.

"Tom, you cannot manage on your own."

"I am not listening to this," cried Tom and rose from the bed and went over to the window and gazed out on the pretty lawns outside, breathing in the fresh air that was coming from the open window. He tried to comprehend what his wife was saying. _How can she encourage me to take Miss Austen as my wife after she was gone? _

"I would not blame you for taking another wife after I am gone. You will have my blessing. It is better for the children to have a woman around. I do not want you to be left alone for the rest of your life, my dear. You deserve better."

"Mary, will you stop talking like that?" Tom swung around with heated face. "I will not marry Miss Austen!" He marched out of the room and left Mary with a dumbfounded look on her face.

-TBC-

**As always, reviews make me write faster! ;)**


	9. A Proposal

**I Remember Love**

A_Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer:__I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: My dear readers, what an alarm Mr Tom Lefroy's last statement rose in you! Rest assured that this story will have a happy ending, as all Jane Austen stories have, but what happens on the way is yet to be seen. _

**Part****9: In which a proposal is made**

_**May**__**, 1814**_

Tom Lefroy was wandering the grounds trying to comprehend what his wife had suggested. How could she be so understanding and compassionate when he felt like a villain? How can a dying wife encourage her husband to take another wife? The questions filled his head but he could not think of any other answer than Mary's complete love and devotion for him and his well being.

But how could he, after all these years find his way back into love with Jane Austen? A woman he had not thought of in that way until very recently. Would she have him? His heart had been broken because of her once; did he dare try to give it to her again? Tom sighed and kicked at a branch that was lying on the lawn.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy knocked softly at her mother's door a few minutes after she had seen her father storm out of her room. She had brought the novel Miss Austen had so kindly sent her.

"Enter," Mr Barrington's voice came from inside.

"Is everything alright?" Jane looked anxiously at her mother who was lying motionless in the bed. Her father had looked very angry indeed when he left the room.

"Your mother is fine, Miss Lefroy," answered Mr. Barrington. Her mother coughed slightly and Jane rushed to her side.

"Mamma?" she asked worriedly.

"I am fine, child," replied she and opened her eyes.

"Papa looked very vexed when he left," Jane said.

"We had a minor disagreement, Jane, nothing for you to worry about," her mother said. "Why don't you tell me all about who you met in London?"

"Did papa tell you?" Jane asked cautiously.

"Yes, your father told me all about meeting Miss Jane Austen. How did you like her? I know how much you admire her writing." Jane did not know what to say. She did not want to sound too appreciative of Miss Austen in case her mother did not think too kindly of her.

"She is a lovely lady," was all Jane could say.

"Is she pretty at all?"

"Mamma!" exclaimed Jane, wondering why her mother asked about Miss Austen all of a sudden.

"How did your father act around her?" Her mother pressed on the subject. Jane was astonished.

"I do not know…" Jane hesitated. "Did you argue over Miss Austen, mamma?"

"I did not argue, your father did. He did not like my suggestion." Her mother started coughing.

"What suggestion?"

"About him taking Miss Austen as his wife after I am dead." Jane looked at her mother with wide eyes in utter astonishment.

"What?" cried Jane.

"But he said he will not marry her, or marry at all again after I am gone. He is a very headstrong man. You take after him so much, Jane. You know he listens to you. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. He needs a woman by his side."

"But, mamma!" Jane looked horrified. She could not think of her father marry again. "I will take care of papa."

"My dear, Jane, I do not wish you to grow up without female guidance. But now he says he will not have her. The woman he nearly eloped with when he was engaged to me!" Her mother's cheeks turned slightly redder. She coughed yet again.

"Please, mamma," begged Jane, "do not get yourself aggravated over this. Papa will never love another woman as he has loved you."

"You are your father's daughter, Jane." Her mother sighed, admitting defeat. "Very well, I will not press the subject further. But tell me this, Jane; honestly, do you think he still has affectionate feelings for Miss Austen?" She looked sincerely at her daughter. "I only think of his survival."

"I do not know, but he seemed a different person around her. How does one know if a person is in love?" Jane asked hesitatingly. "He chose you, mamma."

"I know he did and he will be lost without me. But Miss Austen might be the perfect match for him. He loved her first. She was the first woman to capture his affections."

"What happened between them? Papa will not tell me."

"Really, that is not my place to tell you, but I do know that he did love her very much and that she broke his heart."

"I thought he left her. She watched papa with such sorrowful eyes when we were in London. I do think she still cares deeply for him."

"Promise me one thing, dear child, never to marry without affection!"

"Oh, mamma! I am determined, as many of Miss Austen's heroines, only to let the deepest affection bring me to the altar." She hugged her mother tightly.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy did not return to the house before the sun had set. Still he had not found an answer to his wife's wishes. His feelings towards Miss Austen were not as they once had been. Now something inside him began stirring, a dormant feeling of long lost love. He had not let himself to think about her much since they came back from London. He thought of how she had behaved towards him in London, very ladylike with a quiet pleasantness towards him and his daughter. There was something in her eyes that made him wonder if the old feelings of affection still lingered in her heart. He could not help but think that she might still care for him. Perhaps even love him.

As he returned inside he decided to write Miss Austen a reply on her kind letter. He found himself in want of a friend.

_Limerick, late May 1814_

_Dear Miss Jane Austen. _

_Thank you for you kind concern regarding my wife. I am sorry to inform you that she is still unwell and there is very little chance of recovery my physician tells me. He has done everything in his power to cure her, but without result. _

_I find myself in want of a friend. I hope I may still consider you my friend though our ways did not part in the best of ways. It was so nice to see you again in London. I hope you are still in good health?_

_As for the letter my daughter sent you, I do believe I must say something about that. I cannot tell you what to do, that is completely your own choice. I have not told her anything more than she has read in the letter she found. A letter I wrote to you before the elopement, but never gave to you. She is most regretful of her actions and sends her most sincere apologies for the agony this must have caused you. I know she also is very thankful for the novel you so kindly sent her. _

_I find myself on the verge of being a widower, my children motherless. I do not know how I will manage without my sweet__, loving wife. Mary is sure I will not survive without a woman by my side. She is the most forgiving woman I have ever met. She knows everything about my past. I finally had the courage to tell her everything. And yet she loves me as she always has. I am truly blessed. _

_Yours, affectionately, as always, _

_Tom Lefroy_

-xxx-

Jane Austen found herself being blessed with two letters on the same day. When she took them in her hand one of them made her smile with eager anticipation and the other frown and her stomach curl up in a tight knot. One letter was from Mr Lefroy and the other from his wife, Mrs Mary Lefroy. She did not know which to begin with.

"Sister?" called her sister Cassandra from the other room.

"Yes, Cassandra?" Jane took the letters and joined her sister in the drawing room.

"Any letters?"

"Only for me," Jane said quietly.

"Any news from Henry or Eliza?" Cassandra enquired.

"No, not yet." Jane sat down on next to her sister.

"Was it something you needed me for?"

"Yes, you have looked so distraught lately, Jane. Are you sure nothing is the matter?"

"I am fine, Cassie," Jane smiled.

"I am your sister, Jane. I can read you like an open book." Cassandra looked at her. "What happened in London?" Jane sighed; she knew she could not keep this from her sister. Cassandra was right; she had always been able to tell if something was amiss.

"I met Tom," she said quietly.

"Mr Tom Lefroy?" asked Cassandra with widened eyes.

"Yes."

"Why have not you told me this sooner?"

"There is not much to tell, really. His wife got ill and he left in a hurry. He has a lovely daughter named Jane!" Jane's cheeks had started glowing. The mentioning of his name still made her stomach flutter and she thought of the letter he had sent, and then there was the letter from his wife. "I got a letter from him and his wife today." She showed Cassandra the letters.

"One from each of them?"

"Yes, I wonder what they will tell me."

"Open them!" urged her sister. Jane did as she was told and opened Tom's letter first.

"His wife is very ill indeed," she breathed. Her hearted skipped a beat. "No hope of recovery."

"And what does his wife write?" Jane opened the other letter and read it quietly.

_Limerick, May 1814_

_Dear Miss Austen_

_I do not know what you will think of me for writing you this letter. I am one of your admirers, I have read your novels with great pleasure and my daughter is just finishing the one you so kindly sent her the other day. _

_I write to you because we love the same man. I do not know how much you know of me, but I know you, at least from your books. You write beautifully about a love that conquers all. But what happens when a spouse dies before his or her time? If a mother has to leave her children behind to venture forth to the life after this? You know as well as I do that our dear Tom needs a loving woman's hand. _

_I do not wish to leave my husband and children behind, but God has made that decision for me. I cannot alter my faith. All I can wish for now is for someone care for my family that I leave behind. _

_I know I cannot ask this of you, Miss Austen, but I __know my husband still cares deeply for you. More than he dares to admit. Would you consider paying us a visit and perhaps help Tom through this hard time that lies ahead? I would so like to meet the woman who has had such an impact on my husband's life. _

_Yours &c_

_Mrs Mary Lefroy_

Jane sat quiet for some time after finishing the letter from Mrs Lefroy. She did not know what to think. Did she ask what she thought she asked? Was this her dying wish? Did Tom know what his wife asked of her? Her heart was torn between the urge to run to Tom's side and to be sensible and stay in Chawton.

"Well?" Cassandra asked.

"I do not know what to think," Jane looked up at her with burning face and wide dark eyes. She handed over the letter to Cassandra who read it with growing concern.

"What could she mean?"

"Her dying wish is to meet me and let her know that I will care for Tom after she is gone." Jane met Cassandra's puzzled eyes. "She is a most extraordinary woman."

**-TBC-**

**Your reviews makes my day! **


	10. Miss Austen takes a trip

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: __I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: A warm thank you for all your kind words. It is what makes me continue writing! _

**Part ****10: In which Miss Austen takes a trip**

_**June, 1814**_

"Surely you will marry again when mamma dies?" Jane asked innocently at dinner one night. Tom looked over at her, startled by the question.

"I love your mother too much to take another wife," he replied. Jane Austen's sad dark eyes flickered before his eyes. They had been haunting him day and night since his wife's proposal.

"But I will need female guidance, mamma says," Jane insisted.

"We will of course send for a governess," he replied. _Miss Austen would be the perfect guide for any young girl, well educated and talented. _

"Mamma says you are too headstrong for your own good," Jane remarked. Tom smiled; it was as he was hearing his dear Mary.

"Your mother is a very good, generous sort of woman. How could I find someone as good as her?"

"Miss Austen would do just fine." Tom's eyes widened. The nerve of the child!

"Jane," he said with a harsh tone in his voice. "Leave Miss Austen out of this conversation."

"I would so much like her to be my new mother," Jane said with pouting lips. _She is as headstrong as me! _

"That is enough, young lady!" Why where the women of his family so eager to marry him off with Miss Austen?

"But, papa!"

"I said enough!" Tom rose.

"Is it because she broke your heart?" Tom looked at her with a grim face.

"What do you know about love?"

"I know what I have read in her novels," she said stubbornly.

"What has happened with you lately, Jane? Where is my sweet obliging daughter? Hm? The one who did as she was told?" Jane looked silently down at her plate. He could see her burning cheeks.

"I am going to lose my mother," she whispered. "How will I manage without her?" She glanced up at him. He could see tears glittering in her eyes. "I like Miss Austen. Mamma says she would do you good."

"I will go speak with your mother this instance." Tom hurried out of the dining room. Thoughts of Jane Austen as his wife was following him. Thoughts he had not let himself think of since she left him at the inn.

-xxx-

Jane Austen had still not made up her mind. One part of her urged her to go to Limerick as fast as she possibly could, but the other said to leave the family alone. What if Mrs Lefroy passed away before she arrived? It was not an easy trip to make, even though the weather had been fine the last week. It was not an easy decision to make. Had the invitation come from Tom she would not hesitate, nevertheless, it was a dying woman's wish to see her. It was Mrs Lefroy's wish for Jane to care for Tom after she was gone. Jane wanted to take care of him and his family. But did he feel the same? Could he love her again, after all that they had been through in the past?

-xxx-

"You did what?" Tom exclaimed when his wife told him about her bold decision to send Miss Austen a letter.

"You will never admit that you need help."

"That is not your decision to make!" Tom was angry with her.

"You loved her once, and you still harbour feelings for her. You loved her enough to be willing to throw you reputation away! My dear Tom, such feelings do not die away easily. It is my wish to know that you will be in good caring hands."

"And if Miss Austen will not come?"

"She will come. It is my dying wish to meet her. If she cares at all for you, she will come." Tom looked down at his wife with soft, loving eyes and once again he was filled with astonishment for this selfless being who only thought of others before herself.

"My dear Mary, what will I do without you?"

"Marry Miss Austen!" A coy smile played on her lips. He lay himself down on the bed next to her. His hands caressed her pale cheeks.

"I love you, Mary, I cannot..."

"Shush, my dear," she put a finger on his lips to hinder him from utter the words again.

-xxx-

"So, Jane, have you decided what to do?" Cassandra asked two days after the letters from Ireland had come.

"I am throwing conventions out the window and have decided to go. It is Mrs Lefroy's dying wish after all." Jane smiled slightly, she had surprised herself by coming to the conclusion that it would be very impolite of her not to accept the invitation from a dying woman who so clearly loved her husband enough to invite an old romance.

"I am all astonishment!" Cassandra said with a smile in her sweet face.

"No, you are not," Jane corrected. "You knew I would go."

"Yes, when it comes to Tom you have always done what your heart has told you."

"I have to go pack my trunk. I have to leave in an hour to catch the post." Jane smiled like a young girl and her eyes were glittering again and her cheeks rosy. "You have no objections then, for me going?" Jane turned to her sister.

"I cannot stop you. I would have done the same if it was Robert," Cassandra replied quietly.

"My dearest sister," Jane rushed to her side. Cassandra had never recovered from the loss of her husband to be. She hugged her tightly. "What would I do without you?" Jane hurried to her room to gather her things. Cassandra helped her.

"What will mother say?" Cassandra asked quietly.

"I do not know, Cassie, and frankly. I think I am too old to care." As soon as she was done she went to her mother in the drawing room. "Mamma, I am leaving." Her mother looked up from her needle work with a puzzled look on her face.

"Jane? Where are you going?"

"To Ireland! I have been invited to stay with Mrs Lefroy, she is very ill and has requested that I meet her before she leaves this earth."

"Lefroy?" Her mother tasted the name, trying to remember why it sounded familiar. "No!" she cried when she remembered the Irish rogue that had almost taken her Jane from her.

"Yes, mamma, it is her dying wish. I cannot deny any of my admirers their dying wish," Jane said firmly. Cassandra went to her mother's side.

"Let Jane go, you cannot make her stay," she said quietly.

"I must go," Jane cried as the bell struck noon. "I will write as soon as I have arrived," she promised as she put her bonnet on and her coat. "Good day!" She left her mother and sister in a state of bewilderment.

"Do not worry, mamma, you know Jane must go her own way," Cassandra said as the front door closed after her sister. She admired her courage, to go through such a journey on her own, just to be near the man she loved.

-xxx-

"I have received word from Miss Austen," Mary said to her husband a few days later. "We shall be expecting her at the end of this week." She smiled triumphantly. "I just hope I will stay alive until then! I long to meet her." Tom made no answer. The thought of Jane coming to his home as a guest of his beloved wife was both alarming and exhilarating. "Jane is also longing to see her again. She really enjoyed her acquaintance in London. She talks very warmly about her," his wife chattered on.

"You seem in remarkable high spirits today, my dear," Tom commented lightly.

"I am!" she chirped, but was soon caught in a coughing fit. "Only a few more days," she said to herself. "Then I can leave this world knowing that Tom will have a good woman by his side." She breathed deeply to keep her coughing at bay.

"What's that, my dear?" Tom asked.

"Nothing." Tom stood by the windows looking out on the grounds surrounding their house. He spotted Jane in the garden coming up from the little wilderness at the end of garden with a book in her hand. One of Jane Austen's he imagined.

"Do I need to meet Miss Austen somewhere? Did she say?" he asked.

"I will send Jones to fetch her. After all, she is my guest."

"Mary, are you sure this is wise?"

"I do believe you are a bit nervous, my dear?" Mary winked at him.

"I am not!" But to tell the truth he was. This was not like meeting her in London. She was a guest in his home. Invited by his wife.

-xxx-

Jane Austen was exhausted from being on the road and water for several days. She was glad to find she was now only half a day's trip from Limerick. The near proximity to Tom was taking its toll. She was fluttered and nervous. She had no idea of what was expected of her when she arrived. She hoped she could of use in their time of need.

The post had stopped for refreshments and she took the time to freshen up, wash the road dust away. She wanted to look her best when she met the woman who had married the man of her dreams. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and wondered why she was doing this. Why had she rushed off to Limerick in such haste? Just to be near Tom? Was she chasing a dream? Mrs Lefroy's death was apparently imminent but Jane did not dare hope for a future with Tom.

Jane ordered a glass of port wine at the inn to calm her nerves. She had not felt this nervous before, but now there was only hours till she would be in his house breathing the same air as him, meeting his dying wife and the rest of his family. What would they think of her? Would they think her an intruder, even though their mother had invited her personally? And Miss Lefroy with her curious nature and searching eyes, what would she think?

"Passengers to Limerick, please make your way to the carriage!" A coachman shouted out. Jane rose on shaky legs. It was time. She could not turn back now.

**-TBC-**

**Your ****review makes my day! **


	11. Old Feelings Die Hard

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: A warm thank you for all your kind words. It is what makes me continue writing! _

**Part ****11: In which they find that old feelings die hard**

_**June, 1814**_

Tom Lefroy stood by the window facing the front garden as the carriage coming up the road and turning in on the pebbled drive. His stomach fluttered and he drew a deep breath. He did not know what to expect. He did not know what Miss Austen was expecting. Her reply to his wife's invitation had been very kind and amiable. She was a good natured woman that cared for others before herself. Miss Austen and Mary were much alike in that sense.

He could see her bonnet covered head in the open carriage. He wondered how the other children would take to her. Jane was beside herself with excitement to meet her again. Though she had been hesitant at the first thought of her mother's suggestion. Not only was she a avid admirer of her writing, but also longed to discuss literature with Miss Austen. She had also uttered a want to personally apologise for the letter with inquiries regarding his and Miss Austen's past. His wife seemed to hang on a sheer thread of life just to be able to meet Miss Austen. He was amazed by his wife's selflessness again.

The carriage stopped and Jones helped Miss Austen out of the carriage. She glanced around, taking in the gardens and houses. She suddenly looked up at him, as if she had felt his gazes. Their gazes locked. Tom's heart skipped a beat. She looked very well indeed. A bit flushed maybe. He left the window and hurried down stairs to greet her.

-xxx-

Jane Austen exhaled. She was finally there. And in one piece. The manor looked very well kept and the gardens lovely. She looked up at the house and meet Tom's eyes through a window. A small smile played on his lips. She wondered what he thought of her for coming rushing on a dying woman's whim. When she looked back up again he had disappeared from the window just as he had at done at Lady Gresham's ball. She realised she was going to meet all of his children and not only Miss Lefroy. She suddenly wondered what she had been thinking, coming here.

"Miss Austen!" Jane Lefroy came running out of the front door with a greeting smile on her face. Her father came behind her, still smiling. He looked truly happy to see her much to Jane's surprise. She would have thought she would be more timid after her bold actions. Miss Lefroy took her hands and dragged her inside. "Mamma is longing to meet you, Miss Austen!"

"Jane, please let Miss Austen settle in before you whisk her away to see Mary," Tom said. "Ring the bell for tea, Jane." Jane Austen smiled thankfully at Tom. She felt like she could sleep for a whole day straight. Though she felt like she was no more than twenty she had to admit that she was not.

"Will you come and meet mamma now, Miss Austen?" Jane Lefroy asked after the tea was had. She was obviously very eager for her to meet Mrs Lefroy.

"Come, Jane, Miss Austen must be taken to her room first and left to unpack," Tom said.

"But, papa!" his daughter cried.

"Tomorrow, Jane, there is a day tomorrow you know. Miss Austen is exhausted." Indeed she was. Jane felt as if she could fall asleep right there, sitting upright. "Please follow Miss Austen to her room, Jane."

"Fine, papa," his daughter answered sulkily. "Miss Austen, if you please." Miss Lefroy left the room and Jane followed.

"It is a lovely house," Jane said as they went up the staircase.

"Yes, it is," Miss Lefroy answered lightly. She suddenly turned. "I am so sorry for writing you that awful letter! I cannot begin to think what you must think of me! You have been nothing but nice to me!" Her cheeks were burning hot.

"Miss Lefroy, it is fine," Jane replied, smiling encouragingly. "Do not worry yourself about that. No harm was done."

"Papa says he does not recognise me anymore. Perhaps I have read too many novels."

"I am sure you have not. You are a sensible girl, perhaps a bit curious for your own good. But you have a good heart and I am sure you mean well. Now, Miss Lefroy, show me to my room." She took Miss Lefroy under the arm.

"I also want to thank you for _Mansfield Park, _Miss Austen. A most delightful novel!"

"You are too kind."

"Well, here we are then," Miss Lefroy said and stopped outside a door. She opened it and Jane found herself in a small but lovely room. "Your windows face the back garden. Papa thought you would like it." By the windows stood a small table and chair to sit at while gazing out at the horizon. Jane smiled, an excellent place for her to sit and write.

"It is lovely indeed."

"I will leave you to it then, Miss Austen. If there is anything you need do not hesitate to ring for Millie." Miss Lefroy left Jane to unpack.

-xxx-

The fact that Jane Austen was in his house made Tom Lefroy sleep very ill indeed. He was still surprised that she had agreed to come. His wife could be rather persuasive when she had put her mind to something. He wondered if Jane knew why his wife had asked her to come. His wife had not entirely told him what she had written in the letter other than she wanted to meet the famous authoress.

Tom had not slept more than an hour when the rays of the June sun hit his face trough the curtains. He decided to take a walk in the fine weather, enjoy the silence while it lasted. The morning air was crisp and the green grass was covered in dew. He breathed in the cool fresh air and turned his face to the sun and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth on his face. It was mornings like these when he felt invincible. It had been a very long time since he had felt this serene. It felt like a problems faded away and that everything was going to be fine. He felt complete happiness at that moment.

-xxx-

Jane Austen was surprised to find Tom up and about when she rose early the next morning. The sun was just up and she stood by her windows gazing out at the gardens when she saw his figure walking down the lawn. Suddenly he stopped and turned his face to the sun and just stood there. He looked very peaceful as he stood there. She dressed quickly to join him. She wanted to speak with him alone before facing his wife.

-xxx-

The sound of a branch creaking under a shoe behind him brought him back to the present. Startled he swung around and found Miss Jane Austen making her way towards him. He went to meet her.

"You are up very early, Mr Lefroy," she remarked and took the arm he offered.

"I might say the same about you, Miss Austen," he replied with a smile.

"Ah, yes, well I could not let this beautiful morning go to waste now, could I?"

"Of course." They continued their stroll in silence for a while, enjoying the fine morning and each other's company.

"There was a time when I thought you did not care for walks, Mr Lefroy," Jane said with a small smile on her lips. He looked over at her. Beautiful in the morning sun, with hair barely kissed with grey.

"True," said he. He remembered the time she was referring to. "Ah well, this is not the Selborne Wood, but it will have to do. It is not as celebrated." He gestured towards a gathering of trees ahead. She laughed softly.

"So, do I get to meet Mrs Lefroy today?" she asked.

"I believe you will have no choice. She has been looking forward to meet you, hardly spoken of little else." The remark made her blush slightly.

"She is a remarkable woman, Mr Lefroy."

"Oh come, we are well enough acquainted to be calling each other by our Christian names, are we not?"

"Not as well as we used to, my friend," she answered quietly. He realised he had missed her company, missed the banter from the old days. That was something he and Mary never had. She always took his side in matters. Seldom spoke against him. She liked everything he liked. Most of the time anyway. She was not as passionate as Miss Austen, or at least not as passionate as Miss Austen had been when she was young.

The continued their walk amongst the trees. Tom felt rejuvenated. The dark thoughts that had been occupying his head lately had gone away, at least for now. Miss Austen had a soothing air around her, like balm for his soul.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was astounded to see her father and Jane Austen strolling in the park and at that hour. Her father rarely rose before eight when he was home. _It must be the weathe_r. It was truly delightful. They looked deep in conversation, and she wondered what they were talking about. They had been very close once; maybe they could find that again. Jane was still half undecided on the matter of her father marrying again. But if he was to marry again she would like it to Miss Austen. Miss Austen was really one of her favourite people in the world. She could not think of anyone else better suited to marry her father. He liked novels and she was a novelist.

Jane thought of joining them on their walk but decided against it. She did not want to impose on their private conversation.

-xxx-

"Did you know your wife sent me the letter?" Jane suddenly asked.

"Mary told me after she had sent the letter," he replied, sounding amazed by his wife's conduct.

"Do you know what she asks of me?" She looked at him intensely. Tom looked away not wanting to meet her queering eyes. Not sure if he could hide the feelings that was rummaging through his body. He had realised that he still loved her. Had always loved her, never stopped loving her in a way.

"Yes," he finally replied. "Jane, I…"

"Tom, do not…" Jane cut in. Her face was flushed, she looked away. "I…" She could not find the words to say anything. She did not what to say anymore. She wished that everything was as they used to. Before he married, before they grew old and before she left him at the inn that May-day all those years ago. They had to be sensible now, even though his wife had stated that she wanted Jane to take care of her husband when she was gone. Jane let go of Tom's arm and left him. Hurriedly she walked up to the house again, her vision blurred with tears. Her body betrayed her.

**-TBC-**

**Your ****review makes my day! **


	12. The two Ladies Meet

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: A warm thank you for all your kind words. It is what makes me continue writing! _

**Part ****12: In which the two ladies meet**

_**June, 18**__**14**_

Jane Lefroy was the only one around the breakfast table who did not concentrate on the food on the table. Her brothers and sister sat quietly and ate, but from time to time they glanced at the newcomer. Jane watched her father and Miss Austen closely. Miss Austen still looked very sad, almost as if she had recently cried. She noticed that Miss Austen kept stealing glances of her father and that he gazed on her as often as he thought no one was looking. There was so much longing in the gazes that Jane was sure that her mother's scheme would succeed. She had to tell her mother about what she had observed. She would be very pleased indeed.

"Miss Austen, you must ask papa to show you our library. I am sure you will find many books to your liking," Jane said. Her father looked searchingly at her, to see what scheme she was up to now. Jane concentrated on her youngest sibling instead of meeting her father's eyes, helping George to another piece of bread.

"Of course, I would be delighted to see your library, if you could spare the time, Mr Lefroy," Miss Austen said with blushing cheeks. Her father's face had also gone slightly redder. Jane looked from Miss Austen to her father and back again. They were both looking a bit embarrassed as if they both had thought of something from their past. Their gazes locked and they shared a most private smile.

"I can take you on the grand tour as soon as we have finished breakfast," her father said.

"That would be very nice of you," replied Miss Austen. Jane saw that her eyes sparkle a little.

Suddenly her second youngest brother looked up from his plate with large eyes and turned them to Miss Austen, "Are you going to be our new mamma?"

"Jeffry!" cried Jane. Miss Austen grew a deeper shade of red, her father dropped his chin and the rest of the Lefroy children, except young George who was still occupied with his piece of bread, stared at Jeffry with eyes wide open in bewilderment. Jeffry had no clue as to what he had done wrong.

"Anthony and Jane," her father said quietly when he had regained his composure. "Please take your brothers and sister to the nursery." They obeyed immediately without a word and ushered their younger siblings out of the room with haste.

-xxx-

Jane Austen was a bit hesitant to join the family for breakfast but found that she really had no choice but to join them. All of Tom's children were seated around the big table. She must admit that she was a bit intimidated by them. They did seem very quiet and well behaved children, but there were so many of them. Anthony was the eldest, then Miss Jane, Anne, Thomas, Jeffry and little George sitting between Miss Lefroy and Anthony. The children were seated three at each side of the long table leaving the ends to her and Tom. It felt as if she was imposing on their mother's place at the table. She could not help herself but to think of what it would be like to be mistress of this house, the mother of these children. The children stole glances of her from time to time when they thought she did not see.

When Miss Lefroy mentioned the library she recalled another library. The one at Ashe to where she had fled that one time and found that Tom had too. Her cheeks grew as she recalled Tom reciting Mr. White's _Natural History_. She had been rather surprised to see him with a book in his hand. She smiled at the memory, looking up at Tom.

"Are you going to be our new mamma?" Jeffry, the second youngest, suddenly asked out of the blue. Jane felt her cheeks turn even redder and she knew not where to look. She glanced over at Tom who sat with open mouth, unable to speak. Finally Tom asked the eldest to take their siblings to the nursery and they obeyed without a word. Jane looked down at her hands, unable to utter a word.

"You have to excuse Jeffry, he does not know of what he speaks," Tom said, apologetically.

"No, that is fine. He is so young."

"We have been open with the children. They all know that their mother is going to leave them very soon." Jane looked up at him, meeting his blue, piercing eyes.

"Tom, I…" she started, but lost her nerve.

"What? Jane?" he urged her to continue.

"Is that what your wife wants? For me to take care of you and your children when she is gone?"

"You will have to ask her that yourself," Tom replied. "Maybe it is time we pay the mistress of the house a visit. I know she has been asking for you several times." He stood up and motioned for her to follow him.

"What about the library?" Jane was not ready to meet Mrs Lefroy yet.

"All in due time, first I'd like you to meet the reason to why you are here."

-xxx-

He could see that Jane Austen was equally shocked by his son's blunt question as the rest them. Tom did not understand from where that question came from. _Where did that notion come from? _Had the servants been speaking about Miss Austen's presence in terms of him taking her as his new wife? Something must have made the boy think that Miss Austen could be his new mother. But no one other than he and his wife, and perhaps Jane, knew about why Mary had invited Miss Austen.

He led Miss Austen to his wife's room in silence. Both were still shocked about what had happened in the breakfast room. He knocked softly on the door to Mary's room and a muffled 'come in' came from the other side. He opened the door and ushered Miss Austen in before himself.

"Mary, may I present Miss Austen?" said Tom as he and Jane stood before her bed. Mary looked remarkably well this morning and he felt proud.

"Miss Austen, how delightful!" Mary rose as far as she could manage on her own holding out her right hand for Miss Austen to take. Miss Austen took a step forward with a small smile in her face. The two women studied each other with curiosity. Tom watched them, the two women who both had a piece of his heart.

"Mrs Lefroy," said Jane and took her hand and then sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"I am so pleased that you decided to come," said Mary with a bright smile that Tom had not seen for a long time. He was struck by the difference in appearance by the two women. They looked like day and night, Jane with her dark hair and dark eyes while his wife was fair with blond hair and blue eyes.

Suddenly he felt a flutter of hope in his stomach, Mary looked almost healthy. The coulour was back on her cheeks and her eyes were clear as the sunny day outside. Maybe God would spare her after all. Tom smiled to himself.

"What are you smiling about?" demanded his wife to know.

"Oh, nothing. I will leave you two ladies alone to get acquainted," he said and left the room. He suddenly realised that if Mary recovered that would mean that he once again would have to give up his love for Jane. His heart and mind was torn in two. He felt utterly confused by all this.

-xxx-

Jane Austen looked at the woman who Tom had married. She did not look very ill, in fact she looked rather healthy.

"I am so sorry that we did not meet under happier circumstances," Mary said with a soft smile.

"So am I," Jane replied not sure what else to say. If Mrs Lefroy had not been ill they would probably not have met at all. "You have a very lovely home."

"Thank you, Miss Austen. Have Tom shown you our library yet? It is his masterpiece. He takes such pride in filling it with books."

"No, not yet." Both women grew silent looking down at her hands or out the window. "I have met you children. They are so well behaved. You must be very proud, Mrs Lefroy."

"Oh, please, call me Mary," Mary smiled and Jane nodded in consent.

"Miss Jane in particular, a very clever young girl," Jane said.

"She takes after her father. She is so like Tom," Mary replied. "Same interest in books."

"I see," Jane said. She thought of all the lively discussions she and Tom had had about different novels and authors in the past. She recalled the time in London where they had met Mrs Radcliffe. Her cheeks turned red. She did not meet Mary's gaze, her eyes would betray the feelings that had once again filled her heart.

"You still love Tom," Mary said, as a matter of factly. Jane's face grew even redder, her cheeks were burning. She forced herself to meet Mary's gaze.

"I do," she whispered. Mary nodded.

"I am glad." Jane could not understand this woman. She took everything with such calm. Jane was not sure how she would have acted in Mary's place. She sure would not bear it with such equanimity.

"I..." Jane found no words.

"Do not worry. I just want to make sure Tom..." Mary started coughing. Jane quickly rose to help her to a sip of water. "I do not have much time left," Mary panted. "Anyone can see that Tom still has feelings for you. His and our children's well being is all I care about right now."

"How can you be so calm and unselfish?" Jane looked at her, unbelievingly. Mrs Lefroy was truly a remarkable woman.

"I have reconciled with my fate. I am ready to meet our Lord. There is nothing I can do to change my fate. My time has come. I just want to make sure that my loved ones are happy. And if I can change the fate of two people I love and care for, I can die happy. I cannot help but think that I stole him from you, even if our marriage was a deal between his uncle and my father. I cared for him. I must admit that I found myself quite easily persuaded to marry him." Mary coughed again, but continued, "You gave him up to save him and his family from poverty. For that I admire you. That must have been a very hard choice to make. To chose between love and the survival of relations you had never met." Mary was interrupted by another coughing fit and sweat started prickling her forehead. Jane took the cloth that lay in a bowl with water and wiped Mary's forehead.

"You should rest," she said. Mary nodded in agreement, the colour had gone from her cheeks and she looked very pale. Jane could see how ill she really was. She felt truly sorry for the other woman. Such fate for someone that was still quite young. "I will come see you later." Mary closed her eyes and drifted off in slumber. Jane quitted the room silently and retired to her room to write to Cassandra as promised. She had been too tired to write the night before.

-TBC-


	13. One Can Only Do So Much

**I ****Remember Love**

A_ Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Again, thank you, my dear readers, for your words of encouragement! I cannot begin to tell you how happy it makes me to hear that my writing is to your liking._

**Part 13: In which Miss Austen finds that she can only do so much**

Jane Lefroy was still shocked by her brother's question. She did not know what to do. Her father and Miss Austen had been lost for words. She stayed with her siblings in the nursery occupying herself and the others with reading to them. She enjoyed reading out loud; her father had always said that she had a pleasant voice to listen to. Perhaps she should visit her mother later and read to her for an hour from _Mansfield Park_. She had really enjoyed that novel.

Anthony rose and started pacing the room. He was too restless to sit still. He never enjoyed their time in the nursery and would much rather be outside, playing with the dogs or riding his horse.

"Anthony, please sit still or be gone!" cried Jane after watching him anxiously for a while. "You are making me nervous with your fiddling!"

"I am just so confused. Who is this Miss Austen, and why has mamma invited her here?" Anthony asked.

"She is an old friend of papa's," Jane answered. "And mamma is an admirer of her books, as am I. Papa and I met her in London."

"Is she really to be our new mother?" Anthony asked quietly so that Jane was the only one that heard him.

"I do not know. But mamma believes that papa needs someone to look after him," replied Jane equally quiet.

"She said that?" Anthony looked surprised. He was two years Jane's senior but Jane was the one who knew what went on in the house. He kept his business outside the house.

"Yes," whispered Jane.

"But we do not even know Miss Austen."

"Papa does. And mamma will meet her, or she has already. If you were to read one of her novels you would know what Miss Austen is like. She is a very kind and talented woman." Jane felt like she had to defend her mother's decision to invite Miss Austen.

"Bah, female writers!"

"Anthony!" cried Jane. "I thought papa had raised you better! Everybody reads Miss Austen."

"Female writers are for female readers." Anthony's eyes twinkled with mischief. Jane realised he was only teasing her.

"Anthony, why do you always mock me?" she scolded.

"I most certainly do not," he answered indignantly but his face turned into a bright smile. "You should be nice to me. Remember it is your birthday soon!"

"Oh, go and ride your horse or something!" Jane cried and tossed the book she was holding at him. He ducked and ran out of the room chuckling. Jane sighed and shook her head. _Boys_.

-xxx-

Jane Austen sat by the little table in her room and gazed out over the garden and the rolling hills beyond. She could still not believe that she was there, in his house because his wife had asked her to come. Her meeting with Mary had made Jane guess Mary's dying wish. She wanted Jane to fill her place as wife and mother and not just be here though the grieving time. The thought of becoming Mrs Jane Lefroy sent shivers down her spine and brought a flutter to her stomach. There was nobody left to stand in their way now. No bizarre uncle to have his last word. She wondered what her mother would say to the idea of her marrying the Irishman who almost ruined her reputation once. She did not really care. It was her life.

She tried to write down her feelings on paper in the letter to Cassandra but found it hard to write of her own feelings. This was not fiction, not imagination, this was happening to her! Her heart was filled with uncontrollable joy and most of all with love. _Mrs Jane Lefroy_, it had a nice ring to it.

_Limerick, June 1814,_

_My dearest Cassandra_

_I hope you are as well as when I left for nearly a week ago. I am well, the journey was long but I arrived here in one piece. Exhausted after being on the road for days I could barely stay awake to take tea. _

_I met Mrs Lefroy today. She did not look as ill as I would have thought. It is now clear what her intentions were for bringing me here. She wants me to take her place. I do not what to say about that. It is very sad that such an extraordinary woman should leave this life before her time. She is truly amazing. All she thinks of is her family and their survival after she is gone. I cannot believe how calm she is about all this. I admire her immensely. I do not know how I would react in her shoes. But I would not have invited an old lady friend of my husband's! Especially since she knows our whole story._

_I have met the children also. There are several! Six all and all. The youngest, George, has just recently turned three. Apparently Miss Jane Lefroy is about to turn twelve in a week! Fancy that. I do hope Mrs Lefroy has not left us by then. To think I would be in charge of six children, what an intimidating thought! _

_I do so want to know what the children thinks of my presence, but I dare not ask. Little Jeffry, the second youngest, asked me if I was to be their new mother at breakfast. I did not know how to respond. I, who seldom is without words! What do you say to a question like that? Of course, they, Tom and his wife, have been very honest with the children, letting them know that their mother is to leave this life. But Tom looked as surprised by the question as I._

_I do not know whether Tom still has feelings for me. And as you know, my dear sister, I will not marry for anything other than the deepest affections. You know me. I must admit I am in danger of falling as deeply in love with him as I ever was. I cannot deny these feelings. I have tried to keep them hidden but I cannot control them any longer. _

_I beg of you, sister, just to tell mamma that I am fine and that the journey went well. Do not tell her of my feelings towards Tom. Please destroy this letter as soon as you have read it. I do not wish for anyone else to read it. _

_Yours affectionately, _

_Jane_

Jane put down her pen and sighed. While writing the letter the feelings she had denied for so long took control over her. She gazed out over the pretty garden, which was just starting to bloom, and saw the eldest of the Lefroy children playing with one of the dogs on the lawn. She wrote the address on the letter and sealed it. She could use some air. She left her room and looked for a servant who could see to that the letter reached the post. She soon found Jones on the ground floor.

"Could you please see to that this letter gets to the post, Jones?" she asked him.

"Of course, Miss Austen," he bowed and took the letter. She went outside to once again enjoy the fine June day. She found Anthony where she had seen him from the window.

"Hello, there, Anthony, is it?" she said when coming close to him and the black and white pointer.

"Miss Austen," he bowed. "Yes, I am Anthony."

"And who is this?" She bent down to pat the dog.

"This is Bessie." Anthony smiled. "Our most beloved dog."

"I see." Jane must admit that she knew very little of dogs, but the eyes looked kind and the dog seemed happy enough.

"She had a litter a few weeks ago. Would you like to see her puppies?" Anthony asked. "They are in the stable for now." He gestured towards another building that was half hidden behind the main house.

"Yes, I would love to," Jane said. This was a good way to get to know the boy a little bit more. She had noticed his glances at her at breakfast and could not quite figure out how he felt towards her. She followed him as he led the way to the stables with the dog around them.

-xxx-

"So, my dear, now that you have met the woman you so eagerly wants me to spend the rest of my life with. How do you like her?" Tom asked his wife later that afternoon. He was standing by the window overlooking the gardens and studied his eldest son leading Miss Austen off somewhere.

"I like her very much, Tom. I can see why you would love her. She is a very amiable woman," replied his wife.

"You should have known her when she was young." He turned to her.

"She still loves you, you know," Mary said with a small smile playing on her lips. Tom felt his heart flutter at the remark.

"So?" he said nonchalantly. "That does not mean I will marry her."

"My dear, sweet Thomas," said his wife. "Why will you not do this one thing I ask of you?"

"Mary, did you know how remarkably well you looked this morning?" He changed the subject.

"I felt very well, indeed, but then the coughing and fever came back." He looked at her pale cheeks that only this morning had been rosy. "Miss Austen could not believe what I asked of her. She would scarcely admit to still loving you in fright of making me uncomfortable."

"Why do you torment me with this? Mary…" he said, with begging eyes. "You know I cannot…"

"Thomas Langlois Lefroy, I will not hear another word about this," Mary said with all the force she could muster. "It will be as I have said." She started coughing and he ran to her side.

"Forgive me, dearest, I did not mean to upset you!" He cradled her face with soft hands. "But what will the children say? They do not even know Miss Austen."

"There will be plenty of time for them to get to know one another during the years to come." Tom sighed. There was no use in arguing with her.

"We shall see. I will not marry someone my children do not approve of."

"Jane thinks the world of Miss Austen," remarked Mary.

"Jane is not the only one who has a say in this, my dear," said Tom. Mary's eyelids slipped down and her body went limp. "No, Mary!" He feared he had lost her in the middle of this silly argument. "I will not let you go, Mary!"

"I am still here, my love," she whispered. "I will not leave you yet."

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy found her brother and Miss Austen by the puppies in the stables. Miss Austen was sitting with one in her lap. Jane was surprised to see this quite celebrated authoress being so down to earth. She was also happy to see Anthony spending time with Miss Austen. He did not seem that happy with her presence before. But now, there he was, showing the puppies to Miss Austen. If that was not a token of appreciation, Jane knew not what was. At least not when it came to Anthony.

"Jane!" Anthony looked up form the puppies and smiled at his sister.

"Anthony, I thought I might find you here. Miss Austen, are not these the loveliest of creatures you have ever seen?" Jane kneeled besides Miss Austen and took one of the puppies in her hands with the outmost of care.

"Yes, they are quite lovely." Miss Austen patted the little one she had on her lap. Jane held her puppy up to her face as to breathe in its scent.

"They are so soft," Jane mused with her nose in its fur. Anthony laughed at her.

"You should have that one for your birthday!" Anthony said and Jane almost dropped the puppy with surprise.

"Really? Anthony? For me?"

"Yes, sister, it is yours if you want it." Anthony's face lit up as he saw how happy that made her. Jane was beside herself with happiness.

"What will you call it, Jane?" Miss Austen asked. Jane looked to see what gender it was, and found that it was indeed a little boy.

"I think I shall call him…" she pondered for a while, thinking of suitable names for a little male dog. "What do you think of Edmund?" She looked up at Miss Austen for her approval of using one of her heroes' names. Miss Austen reached over and patted the dog.

"I think that name will suit him very well, Miss Austen." She smiled at Jane.

"Oh, I have to go tell mamma and papa about my gift!" She put the puppy down gently before running off in search of her father.

-xxx-

"That was very sweet of you, Anthony," said Jane Austen to him as they watched Miss Lefroy run off to tell the good news to the rest of the family.

"She loves puppies, Miss Austen, and frankly, I have not found any other suitable gift for her since you sent her your latest novel," Anthony said.

"Ah, well, I thought she needed something else to think of," Jane answered.

"She takes a great deal upon herself, my sister does, Miss Austen."

"So I have gathered."

"I do not know why my mother has asked you to come here, and I am not sure if I approve of her action, not at this time anyway. But I can see that you have some good influence over my sister, and in some way over my father." Anthony looked at her sincerely.

"I have come here because your mother requested me," Jane replied, looking equally sincere. "I do not wish to take your mother's place. I _cannot_ take your mother's place. But as an old close friend of your father's I might be of some help to ease the burden on him, and your sister, and perhaps even on you."

"Do not pretend to know what I am going through," he suddenly blurted with tears in his eyes. He looked away, equally embarrassed by his tears as by his words.

"I lost my father. I was not as young as you, but he was taken from us before his time," Jane said. She did not know how to comfort him. To comfort a young man was beyond her feeble powers.

"I am sorry, Miss Austen. I did not mean…" his voice was caught in his throat.

"Do not worry, Anthony. It must be hard on you. Being the eldest."

"Jane is the one that takes care of everyone else, not me. I hide out here or in the woods. I cannot bear to see my brothers' and sisters' distress. I have not even been to my mother's room for a week. I cannot bear to look at her."

"Well, then I suggest you go and visit your mother now, before it is too late," Jane said, sensibly. "She would want to see you before it is too late." She rose and so did he. He took her hand.

"Thank you, Miss Austen. I was wrong to judge you before I got to know you. Jane said you were a kind woman." She squeezed his hand. He walked off hastily and left her with the puppies.

"I have proven to be of some help at least," she said to herself.

**-TBC-**


	14. Tea in the Library

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: I am so sorry for the late update. Thank you for all your encouragement! _

**Part14: In which Miss Austen and Mr Lefroy takes tea in the library**

_**June, 1814**_

"Mamma!" Jane exclaimed happily as she opened the door to her mother's chamber. "I have the most wonderful news!" As she looked over at her mother's bed she saw her father sitting there, looking teary eyed and she froze. She eyed her mother, she looked very pale and very, very still. "Mamma?" she whispered with quivering voice.

"Yes, dear?" came her mother's weak voice and she stirred slightly in her bed.

"Oh, Lord! I thought you…" Jane could not continue. She threw herself on her mother's bed and made herself comfortable next to her mother.

"No, dear, not yet. I have some business to settle with your father before I leave," her mother tried to sound as happy as ever. "What was the news you wanted to tell me?"

"It does not matter now," Jane whispered and hugged her mother as if it were the last time.

"Tell me," her mother patted her head, trying to comfort her. A hesitated knock on the door prevented Jane from continuing. Anthony stuck his head in and peeked at them.

"Are you awake, mamma?" He came in and sat on the other side of the bed. "I am sorry I have not visited for while. But I have been busy, looking after Bessie's litter and so."

"That is alright, child," their mother said with a faint smile. She turned to her husband. "Maybe you could go and fetch Anne, Jeffry, George and Thomas as well? I would like to see all my children." Their father nodded in consent and left the room.

"I gave Jane one of the puppies from Bessie's litter for her birthday," Anthony said. "I am sure she has told you already?"

"Yes, well, no, I was just about to," Jane said with a small smile, peeking up at her mother. She realised that she best be sitting up when the rest of the children came in. The younger children would want to curl up against their mother.

"That is so sweet of you Anthony," their mother said appreciatively. "You will have to help Jane with the training, of course."

"Why, of course, mamma!"

"You will need other things to concentrate on when I am gone," she said. Jane felt the tears burn in her eyes and she hugged her mother tightly again before sitting up straight. Anthony took their mother's hands.

"We will do what we must," he said.

"Well then, do tell me what you think of Miss Austen!" Their mother's eyes gleamed with excitement.

"I do not wish to speak of Miss Austen now, mamma!" Anthony exclaimed. "There is so much else to talk about! I do not see what all the fuzz is about when it comes to Miss Austen!"

"Anthony!" cried Jane who did not want her mother to get anxious.

"It is quite alright, Jane," her mother said. "So you do not like her then?"

Anthony shrugged his shoulders. "She is fine, I guess. But why is she here? Is she really going to marry papa when you are gone?"

"Well, I do not know. I would want him to consider her, that is all," Mary said. "He will not marry her if you do not approve. That is why I wanted all my children here to tell me how you like her."

"But she has only been here one day," Jane objected. "And Anthony and I are really the only ones who have spent time with her alone."

"True," acknowledged their mother. "The trouble is that I do not have that much time left. All I want to know is that you do not dislike her and that you might consider to get closer acquainted with her."

"Fine," Anthony said. "I can honestly tell you that I do not dislike her. She seems very kind and was very nice to me. But I do not know her well enough to say anything more than that." His mother rewarded him with a small smile. Jane knew that their mother would have her way in the end.

-xxx-

Jane Austen took one last look at the puppies before turning back to the main house. Since she had not been shown around she walked around in search of a door that would lead to the library. She soon came past a door that was slightly ajar and when she peeked inside she found the four younger children in there. They boys were busy with playing on the floor and Anne was drawing something.

"Hello there," Jane said and pushed the door open. Four sets of blue eyes looked up at her.

"God afternoon, Miss Austen," said Anne Lefroy, who was the eldest in the room. The boys nodded slightly and went back to playing on the floor. Jane saw that they were building with wooden blocks. They were all very shy children. The eldest two spoke for all of them, Jane suspected.

"What are you drawing?" Jane asked and sat down next to Anne.

"Oh nothing special," Anne replied and looked embarrassed, putting her hands over the drawing. Jane caught a glimpse of a meadow sprinkled with flowers.

"Ah, it is a secret?" Jane said with a knowing smile. Anne nodded shyly. "Perhaps for your mother?" Anne nodded again. "My sister is very fond of drawing too but I prefer the pianoforte myself. I will leave you to it then. I am sure your mother will be happy to get a nice picture from you." The boys were very busy with their building so Jane was just about to leave the children alone when Tom entered the room.

"Miss Austen?" he said with a surprised look on his face.

"Mr Lefroy," she curtseyed. "I was looking for the library but…" She did not know what else to say. "The door was open."

"No, do not worry, Miss Austen. It is quite all right. The children will have to get used to your presence." He smiled. "But right now they are wanted by their mother's side. Come along children!" He ushered them out of the door and then turned to Jane again. "The library is on the other side of the entrance hall, the last door in that hallway."

"Thank you," she said and curtseyed. He bowed and left. She left the nursery and went down the hall to the library.

The library was spacious and decorated with dark wooden panels, green curtains and stuffed armchairs for reading. It was filled with books, but it was clear that the work was an ongoing progress. She suspected it would be a life's work to fill the library. She walked around amongst the book shelves, drawing in the musty smell of old books and leather. This was his books, selected by him. She let her hand trail a row of books, her fingers caressing the leather bindings. She studied the titles, she found Byron, Shakespeare, herself and Fielding among others. She smiled. Tom's favourite _The History or Tom Jones a Foundling _by Henry Fielding, or had been when they first met, stood there. He had persuaded her to read it as to 'widen her horizons', as he had put it. She took the novel and skimmed through the well read pages. She had not approved of the novel back then, and to be honest she had never given it another try. She sat down in the leather armchair and started reading it again, recalling how shocked she had been the first time she read it. Now, almost twenty years later she was not as easily shocked. She soon forgot where she was and lost track of time.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy returned to his wife's room with the rest of the children.

"Here they all are, my dear," he said as he led his children in. Mary looked a bit better now, not as pale as she had when he left the room last. Tom placed himself by the door.

"Thank you, Tom. I want all my children here. Come, come!" She made room for them in the bed. Jane had placed herself on one of the chairs next to her mother's bed. Anthony sat on the other side. Anne handed her mother a sheet of paper with a drawing on. "Oh, thank you, Anne dear. What a lovely picture!" Anne sat down on the bed.

"Miss Austen's sister is also fond of drawing, Miss Austen said," Anne whispered.

"Is she now? Have you met Miss Austen?"

"Yes, just now," Anne said shyly.

"How do you like her?" Mary eyed the children.

"She is very nice, she says she plays the pianoforte," Anne said. The boys kept quiet.

"She is a very good musician," Jane added. "She played for us in London."

"And you boys? How do you like Miss Austen?" She looked at her younger sons. They were sitting at the end of the bed and looking at everything else but their mother. They shrugged their shoulders.

"Are you really going to leave us, mamma?" Thomas asked.

"I am afraid I am, my dears," Mary replied.

"Who will look after us?" asked Anne. Tom exchanged a quick glance with his wife.

"I am of course," Tom said. The children looked at him with large eyes.

"But who will be our mamma?" Jeffry asked.

"I will still be your mother. Only not here, but I will look down on you from heaven, to make sure everything is all right." Mary coughed slightly. Tom was glad she didn't mention Miss Austen. That would only make things more complicated and harder for the younger children to comprehend.

"I will look after you," Jane said. "Perhaps with a little help from a certain lady." Tom shot her a warning glance. He did not want to have another incident as the one at the breakfast table. If the children were to get to know Miss Austen it would be because they wanted to, not because their parents made them. He did not want them to be forced into accepting her. He was quite sure they would like her.

One thing he was certain of was that nothing should be done to encourage Miss Austen until Mary had passed away. He already felt unfaithful as it was, just thinking of Miss Austen. The whole situation was tearing him apart. His emotions were playing tricks with his mind and he found it hard to think sensibly.

He left his children and wife alone for the time being. He would say his good byes later. This time was for their children. He decided to take his tea in the library where he hoped to find Miss Austen.

"Millie," he stopped the maid who was coming down the hall. "I will take my tea in the library as soon as you can manage it."

"Yes, sir," she curtseyed and turned to go to the kitchen.

"Oh, and Millie?"

"Yes, sir?" She turned back to him.

"Please include a cup for Miss Austen as well?"

"Of course, sir." The girl left him.

He found Miss Austen sitting in his favourite reading armchair. Her head rested against the back of the armchair and the book she was holding was slowly leaving her grasp. Her eyes were closed and her dark lashes rested against her pale cheeks. She had dozed off. He was wondering what she had been reading and he crept closer, as silent as he could, not to wake her. He was a bit surprised to find that the book she had been reading was _Tom Jones_. He smiled as he recalled how he had suggested that she needed to read that book. He still remembered her shocked look when he recited Mr. White's _Natural History_. But who could blame her? It was most disturbing to read about a mating ritual, especially out loud to a young woman. He studied her for a while. She looked very peaceful. He heard the door open behind him, he turned and found Millie coming in with a tray of refreshments. He gestured to her to keep quiet.

"Here you go, sir," she whispered and out the tray down carefully at the table in front of him. Tom sat down in the armchair opposite the one Miss Austen was slumbering in, wondering whether he should wake her up or let her sleep. It had been a long day and she had been up for quite a while. She had been travelling a great distant on his wife's demand of course she would be exhausted. But the tea was getting cold.

Tom cleared his throat to see if that would wake her up. No reaction. He hawked a bit louder, but still nothing. He coughed quite loud, but she was still far away in dreaming.

"Miss Austen?" he whispered. He rose and walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Miss Austen?" Still no response. He shook her shoulder gently. Her eyelids fluttered and soon a pair of beautiful hazel eyes looked up at him, looking very dazed and confused as if unsure where she was. Her cheeks turned red as she realised that she had fallen asleep.

"Mr Lefroy," she said and sat up properly, straightening her appearance.

"Is it common conduct to fall a sleep in other people's libraries in Hampshire?" he asked with an amused smile. She blinked up at him, trying to understand what he was saying. "Or is Fielding not as interesting anymore?"

"I…" she stammered.

"Oh come, Jane, no harm done. Do not fret yourself. You have had a long week. No one ever comes in here apart from me and sometimes Jane."

"I see." She averted her eyes. She smoothed out invisible creases on her dress. She looked really uncomfortable.

"Well, how about some tea?" Tom said briskly as to lighten up the awkwardness and gestured towards the table with refreshments. Miss Austen smiled slightly.

"Yes, why not?"

"How do you find my library then, Jane?"

"I like it very much, Mr Lefroy," she answered and Tom frowned.

"I thought we had agreed on calling each other by our Christian names?"

"Of course, Tom," Jane said and blushed even more. He handed her a cup of tea, their fingers accidentally brushed against each other. A jolt went through his body. He took his hand away as soon as he could without dropping the cup. "Thank you." Jane gazed up into his eyes, she must have felt it too. Tom sat down in the leather armchair on the other side of the table. On safe distance, he could not trust himself around her.

"So, tell me Jane. How do you find _Tom Jones_ now?"

"Still flawed. But I think I have seen more of the world now not to be as shocked I was then." She smiled.

"And how do you like the mistress of the house, now that you have met her?" he studied her intensely.

"She is a very amiable woman. Remarkably unselfish. You did well, Tom," she said. "You could not have found more suitable wife."

"Yes, I have been blessed indeed," he smiled. She took a sip of her tea and looked down. He wondered if she was thinking the same as he. Jane Austen would probably not have been a suitable wife for a man in his position in the past. Not then perhaps, but what about now?

**-TBC-**


	15. Miss Austen Takes Ill

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Once again I'd like to thank you for all your kind reviews. It means the world to me!_

**Part 15: In which Miss Austen takes ill**

Jane Austen felt confused as she opened her eyes. At first she did not know where she was. She had heard her name being called from far away followed by someone shaking her shoulder. She then realised she had fallen asleep in Tom's library. She looked up right into his radiant blue eyes. He had an amused look on his face and asked if it was common conduct to fall asleep in other people's libraries in Hampshire. She felt utterly ashamed. But he was being a gentleman about it and poured her a nice cup of tea and talked about other matters.

Her fingers still tingled from his touch. The contact of their fingertips had sent a jolt through her body and she was sure he had felt it too. Her body shivered and she barely knew where to look. To have tea with him in his library felt so intimate. It was obviously his pride and joy, apart from his children of course.

"And how do you like the mistress of the house, now that you have met her?" She felt his eyes on her. The question startled her.

"She is a very amiable woman. Remarkably unselfish. You did well, Tom," she said sincerely. "You could not have found more suitable wife."_I would not have been as suitable_. A penniless authoress would have stopped his career. She saw that now.

"Yes, I have been blessed indeed," he smiled. She took a sip of her tea and looked down. Jane was struck with envy. All this could have been hers. She could have been mistress of this house. But then again, their life would not have turned out like this. Not with a high court judge as their enemy. That was what she had realised that day at the inn. She would have brought ruin, not only to herself and him, but also to his family. But what about now? So much had changed since then. He was now a wealthy independent man and she was an independent woman. Who knew what the future might bring.

"Yes, quite," she mumbled. She found it hard to meet his gaze. She was afraid of what emotions her eyes might show him. The accidental touch of his fingertips had awakened feelings in her that she had not experienced in years. It was quite improper to long for another woman's man, even if she had given her blessing. Mary Lefroy was not gone yet and before she did nothing could happen. And even after her passing she could not be sure of what would happen. Tom might not feel the same as her, even if Mary seemed to think so. Then there were the six children. Tom would not do anything without their approval, of that she was certain.

-xxx-

Being this close to Jane Austen did not make things any easier for Tom Lefroy. He was even more confused now than he had been before. _Why did I have to have tea with her in the library?_ It would have been so much safer to take tea in the drawing room where the servants where close by all the time. There was no turning back now, however. He should have thought of it before he made Millie serve his tea in the library. Nevertheless, they were old friends and should be able to interact as rational people. They were not star-eyed youngsters anymore.

Yet all he could think of at present was how it had felt to have her in his arms. He feared he was becoming the love-sick whelp his uncle had once accused him of being. Then Mary's pale face flickered before his eyes and he was brought back to his senses. As long as she was with them he was to stay as far away as he possibly could from Miss Jane Austen.

"There is really no hope for Mrs Lefroy?" Jane asked all of a sudden.

"No, none I am told by my physician. He does not know what else to do now but ease her pain and coughing."

"But she seemed fine this morning."

"She has her ups and downs, I suppose. Sometimes I wonder if she is clinging on to life just to have her way before she leaves," Tom smiled vacantly.

"I see," Jane mumbled. He had to admit that he had hoped for a miracle in secret. She had looked so well this morning. But he realised it was only one of her good days. Tom took a sip of his tea that was now nearly cold. He frowned.

"I cannot promise you anything," he said silently.

"I am sorry, what?" Jane looked up at him with a puzzled face.

"After Mary is gone. I cannot tell you what will happen. I cannot promise you anything." He looked into her eyes. Wanting her to understand how torn he was.

"I know." She looked down at her hands that were vacantly playing with some invisible creases in her dress. "I am not asking anything of you, Tom. I am a grown woman. I am quite capable of taking care of myself."

"I am sure..."

"You must not think I came here in search of something other than being a friend in this time of need," cried she before he could finish the sentence. "Now, if you will excuse me." She rose and looked straight into his eyes. He could see the tears that threatened to fill her eyes.

"Of course," he said and rose as well.

"I have a terrible headache. God day, Mr Lefroy!" She hurried out of the library before he could do anything to stop her. Tom sat and looked after her long after the door had closed behind her well built figure. He was sure he had seen a tear slipping down her cheek.

Jane Austen did not come down for dinner that night. Tom had his dinner in solitude since the children had already eaten. Tom spent of his time wondering why Jane had become so upset. _Surely she must understand my dilemma and the situation I am caught in?_

-xxx-

Jane Austen really did have a headache and she was lying in bed in hope of the throbbing to stop. Tom had been considerate enough not to let anyone disturb her other than sending Millie up with a bowl of soup and a glass of good strong wine.

She relived the time spent with Tom in the library. Her body had still not recovered completely after the accidental touch. Jane questioned her decision to come rushing to Tom's side. _What was I thinking? Did I really think he would throw himself in my open arms?_

"I should not have come," she whispered to the dark room. Jane made a decision then and there to leave Limerick as soon as Mary Lefroy's funeral was done. After the funeral there was not really any call for her presence anymore. She did not want to force herself upon anyone and she could not really impose on their privacy during the grieving period.

Jane did not feel any better the day after and therefore stayed in her room. She did not dare meet Tom now anyway. That would probably make her change her mind again. She told the maid to tell her master that she was still experiencing a fierce headache and that she would not join them today.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy and her siblings had spent most of the evening in her mother's chamber the night before. Speaking of this and that, small and large matters of life. They had been allowed to have their supper by her bed. Jane still found it hard to believe that her mother really was dying. She seemed to be as healthy as ever, as happy as she had always been and so full of life. Of course it showed after a while that she was really not well. She grew paler and weaker by the hour they spent in there. The commotion was wearing her out.

Jane only met her father very briefly that night as he took her and her sibling's place by their mother's side. The younger children had fallen asleep and their mother was soon following their example. She thought he looked very absentminded and she wondered what he had been up to while they were in with their mother. Probably shut up in his study or library. Jane did not dare ask before she went up to her room.

Jane had slept ill that night. Her head was filled with worries about the future and especially what was going to happen after their mother had died. Her father did not seem to warm to the idea of marrying Miss Austen. Jane thought it was a very good solution. She was sure he still had feelings for Miss Austen. She had seen the way he was looking at her when he thought no one was watching. She was quite certain her mother would have her way in the end.

Jane Lefroy was sad to hear that Miss Austen was feeling ill. She had not seen her since the morning before and really wanted to speak to her, but her father forbid her to visit Miss Austen in her room. She saw how concerned and worried he looked and did as she was told.

-xxx-

When Miss Austen still kept to her room after two days Tom thought it best to consult his physician Mr Barrington. Millie had told him that she had not touched the food she had brought up for her and that Miss Austen looked very pale indeed. She had complained over a severe headache and on top of that a sore throat.

Tom would not have it any other way than to let Mr Barrington tend to her. Regardless of what ever Miss Austen might say of a mere cold. Miss Austen had assured Millie that she would be back on her feet in a day or two. Tom was afraid she had caught whatever infection it was that made Mary ill. He would not have that on his conscience.

His wife was also rapidly becoming worse. She had had two good days just as Miss Austen arrived but was now rarely conscious. He could see her languish away before his eyes. The children were not allowed in her chamber any more since he wanted them to remember their mother as a healthy woman full of life.

He was very relieved when Mr Barrington came to the conclusion that Miss Austen just had a cold and nothing else. She would be up and about in no time. Tom was so relieved to hear the news that he hurried to her room without thinking. He just had to see her.

"Miss Austen," he said as he knocked on the door to her chamber.

"Yes," came her rather hoarse response.

"May I come in?"

"Yes, of course." He entered and found that she was sitting up in bed. She was still looking rather pale.

"How are you feeling? Mr Barrington assured me it was only a cold," he said with a bright smile.

"I told the maid that," she said with a shadow of a smile on her face. "My throat is still a bit sore though. But the headache is gone."

"Shall I ring for tea? A nice cup of tea with honey might do wonders," he said and ringed the bell for Millie.

"Yes, thank you, that is very kind of you." Millie came before long with a tray filled with different biscuits, a tea pot and a jar of honey.

"I thought you might be hungry, Miss," she said with a curtsey and left the room.

"She is a keeper," Jane smiled. Tom watched her with great amusement as she ate biscuit after biscuit.

-xxx-

For the first time since she left Tom in the library Jane Austen felt hungry. She let Tom help her out of bed and to the table by the window where Millie and put the refreshments. She took a biscuit and ate with great appetite.

"I really was hungry. I have not eaten since our tea in the library," she said and suddenly blushed as she remembered how she had left the library in a hurry. "I am so sorry for being a burden to you."

"No, think nothing of it, Jane!" he objected. "You are under my roof now and quite in my hands." Jane blushed even more of the thought of being in his hands.

"Send my regards to Mr Barrington and thank him for me. But as I said, it was a mere cold." She offered him a smile.

"One cannot be too sure," replied Tom. "I was worried you had..." his voice was caught in his throat.

"You thought I had gotten the same illness as your wife," Jane finished for him. He nodded silently. She took a sip of her tea. The honey was soothing the soreness in her throat almost instantly. She gazed vacantly out of the window and over the garden. She would miss this when she left.

**-TBC-**


	16. Revelations and Thunderstorms

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Looking back I realise that I should have let Miss Austen be ill a while longer, but I am not that wicked. Happy Easter, my dear readers. This is my gift to you!_

**Part 16: In which Mr Lefroy has a revelation but Miss Austen is lost in the rain**

"Miss Austen has not been here to visit me since her second day here," said his wife to Tom when he visited her after making sure Miss Austen was feeling better.

"No, she has been ill," he replied.

"Nothing serious, I hope?" Mary asked with a worried face.

"No, just a cold," he assured her. "She will probably visit you as soon as she feels it appropriate."

"I would so like to see her before I go," she said weakly. Her condition was getting worse every minute now. There was no way to deny what was coming any longer. Tom was going to lose his wife and it was only a matter of days before it happened. He was glad that the children had been with her that last good day. That was a great memory for them.

"I will see to it, my dear," Tom promised.

"Could you bring me a pen and paper?" Mary asked.

"What for?"

"I want to write down something for the children and for you. My last will and testament."

"Mary, dear, there is no need for that, is it?" Tom looked at his wife with pain written all over his face.

"I want to, Tom. I need to get some things down on paper," Mary replied. "I want my children to have something of me left. Not just the memories. "

"Do you want me to fetch someone who can help you with this?"

"I think I can manage on my own. But if I find it difficult I will send for help myself," Mary said.

"I will send Millie with what you need," Tom said and quitted the room after one last look at his wife's pale face. He once again wondered how he should manage without her in his life. How their children would take to growing up without a mother. What was to become of them all?

-xxx-

Mr Barrington had advised her to remain in bed for at least another day but when the next morning dawned Jane Austen felt as if she was bursting with energy. To remain motionless in bed was not an option. The day that was wakening outside looked as promising as her first morning in the house. The morning she had spent with Tom. Jane smiled to herself.

She was already dressed when Millie came in with her breakfast.

"Good morning, Miss Austen," Millie said and put the tray down at the table. "I am glad to see you up and about."

"Thank you, Millie. I am feeling quite well this morning," Jane answered with a smile.

"I am sure my master will be happy to hear of your improvement. He looked so worried the other day." Millie's face turned red as she realised that she had spoke more than was appropriate for a young maid. "I am sorry, Miss. I should not have said that."

"That is quite alright," Jane said reassuringly. "How is your mistress?"

"Not well at all, I am afraid, Miss," Millie replied with a worried look on her face. "I am so worried about the poor, poor children. To be motherless at such a young age." Millie shook her blond head.

"I am sure Mr Lefroy will do what he think is the best for them," Jane said.

"Yes, of course, Miss," Millie said, again realising she had stepped out of her place. "If there is nothing else, I will leave you now, before I say something else that I am not supposed to, Miss." Millie curtseyed and left Jane alone with her breakfast. She was very hungry and ate the porridge with great appetite. She drank her tea and wondered what she was going to do next. She could not stay in her room with such a nice day outside to be enjoyed. After finishing everything eatable on the tray she hastily took a decicion and went downstairs for a walk.

Jane descended the stairs and found the house quiet. The family was nowhere to be seen and she exited the house hastily in case anyone was going to try to stop her. She had no intentions to be sent back to bed. She could not bear another day in her room.

Once again she drew in the fresh June-air and felt it fill her lunges. She felt alive. She strolled slowly down to the little wilderness and gathering of trees where Tom and she had walked the other day. She admired the gardens and stopped to smell some roses as she came past them. She could easily imagine herself living there, being the mistress of the house and care for this garden. She had to remind herself of that once the funeral was over she was not going to be there anymore. She sighed. She was once again going to give up the love of her life.

She would be sorry to leave this beautiful serene place. She would be sorry to leave the family, but she did not see any other way. Jane could not stay there without hurting herself. Her heart was heavy and tears started to slowly flow down her cheeks. She was so tired of being sensible but she did not see how this would turn out in her favour. The only one who could make her change her mind was Tom. She would only stay if he asked her to himself.

-xxx-

"Have you seen Miss Austen?" Tom asked when he met Millie outside of Miss Austen's room.

"No, sir. Is she not in her room?" Millie asked.

"No, it seems as if she is not. She is not answering when I knocked."

"Maybe she is asleep," Millie suggested. "But she was up and dressed when I brought Miss Austen breakfast this morning, sir."

"I thought Mr Barrington had ordered her to stay in bed for at least one more day," Tom said with a concerned face.

"Miss Austen said she felt much better. And she did look quite well, sir." Tom felt relieved, even though Mr Barrington had assured him that it was nothing other than a mere cold Miss Austen had caught, he had been worried sick. Millie must have seen his relieved look. "I should have told master sooner but I have not had the time, sir." She made an apologetic curtsey.

"It is good that I found out now, Millie. Thank you."

"Maybe she has gone to the library or outside?" Millie suggested.

"You are probably right, Millie," Tom said and shot her a thankful smile, wondering why he had not thought of that himself.

Tom hurried down to the library but found it empty. He felt a sudden urge to see her. He had not seen her at all since yesterday and now he was beginning to feel slightly worried. If she had gone out on her own, anything could have happened. She could have overestimated her strength and fallen down somewhere. He cursed himself for not asking Millie what Miss Austen was wearing. He had no idea of what he was looking for. He did not even want to think of what could have happened to her.

He exited the house in haste, looking around wildly to see if he could see something that resembled Miss Austen. He stopped Jones who was coming from the stables.

"Jones! Have you seen Miss Austen?"

"No, sir, I have not," the man answered.

"Damn it!" Tom cursed and hurried on. He knew she was fond of long walks but she had just been ill. He gazed out over the garden and suddenly right at the bottom he saw something red flicker in the breeze. He prayed for it not to be Miss Austen. He ran as fast as he thought fit for a man of his age and situation in life. He did not want to draw too much attention to himself. He reached the red cloth he had seen and found that it was her shawl. He picked it up and looked around very anxiously to find the owner.

"Miss Austen?" he called out, but there was no answer. Where could she be? She did not know the terrain and it could be traitorous to one who had not walked there before. He was almost beside himself with worry. _Where is she?_

Then it dawned on him. He loved her. The revelation struck with full power and he nearly laughed out loud. He had been a fool to fight his feelings for so long. Mary had been right. If he could not have Mary then who else would be most suitable to be his companion for the rest of his life but Miss Austen?

-xxx-

Jane Austen wandered aimlessly onward, out of the boundaries of the garden and on to the field beyond. Tears blurred her vision and she barely knew where she was putting her feet. She dried her tears with her hands, but there was no end to them. Her shawl had fallen somewhere along the walk, but the day was warm and she did not really care. She just wanted to be away from the prying eyes of others with her sorrow.

After a while she realised she was lost. She looked around and did not see any familiar sites only acres of acres of rolling hills. No houses, no people, nothing. She felt she had exerted herself too soon after her illness and she sank to the ground. Everything felt hopeless in that moment. The tears started flowing again.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy was really worried now. He had thought he would find her on the field just beyond his garden but she was nowhere in sight. Suddenly the sun was gone and he looked up at the sky and saw dark clouds gathering on the horizon. He had to find her before the rain came.

"Miss Austen," he called again of the top of his lunges. "Jane?" He twirled around looking for her but the field was empty. _I cannot lose her too!_ How far could one woman who had just been ill walk? He started running again, calling her name repeatedly as he went. He did not even know where to look for her. The sky was really darkening fast now and he could smell the humid scent of rain from far away.

Tom regretted that he had not asked Jones to come with him in search of Miss Austen, but there was no time to lose in returning to the house to fetch the man now. He had to find her before it was too late. He wanted to tell her how wrong he had been and how much he still loved her.

-xxx-

Jane Austen gazed up at the sky and found it dark and threatening. She realised she had to find her way back to the house. She rose just as the first raindrops fell on her head. It started as a soft and sweet summer rain but soon it hit with full power. She could hear the thunder gathering force from beyond the hills and she was starting to feel frightened. Her dress was completely soaked and she started to shiver. She looked around trying to find her way in the rain. Since she had not been paying much attention to where she was going she was completely lost. She knew her best shot was to keep moving towards what she thought was the right way. It was raining hard now, making it even harder to see any familiar sights. Jane had to admit that she would not be able to find her way in this weather and started searching for shelter. She remembered vaguely that she had seen a gathering of trees somewhere that would probably shield her from the worst rain. But in what direction? She twirled around in the rain looking for the trees, but saw nothing but grey rain. The thunder came closer and closer and the sky was lit up by lightening. Trees were not safe in a thunderstorm, Jane knew that much. What was she to do?

**-TBC-**

_**Happy Easter, my dear readers. I hope you liked it! **_


	17. Rescuing Miss Austen

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Ok, so I'm a wee bit wicked leaving you with a cliff hanger. But I couldn't help myself… As for how many more chapters, well, I am not sure actually. This story has taken a few turns that even I did not plan… But perhaps two or three more are to be expected, if the story decides to stay the way I have planned it. _

**Part 17: In which Mr Lefroy comes to the rescue and Miss Austen finds her way home**

Tom Lefroy was completely beside himself with worry. He still had not found Miss Austen and the rain kept on falling, more heavily by the minute. The thunder was moving closer and the sky was lit up by lightening more often than not. She did not know her way. How far could she have gone? How long had she been walking? Tom had no idea. What had she been thinking, taking off like that, with out a word to anyone? Tom was completely soaked but he kept on going. He could not stop now. He vacantly wondered if Jones would be clever enough to follow his master when he saw the rain. He really hoped so.

He continued calling her name but still did not get any answer. Not much was heard over the thunderstorm and rain. What was he to do? How could she have been so stupid? Headstrong foolish woman.

Tom continued on into the next field. He thought he saw some movement about a hundred yards away and hurried over there, but found that he had been mistaken. He was all alone on the field. He was near frantic now. He had to find her. He turned around in utter bewilderment, almost knocking himself over.

"Jane!" he called out again with a voice filled with distress.

-xxx-

Jane Austen was walking in circles. She could not find her way but kept on going in hope of stumble on the right way. She did not know for how long she had been walking that made it even harder for her to find her way. More than once she slipped and fell on the slippery grass and mud. She had fallen down so many times that she was completely covered in mud. She always rose again and continued walking. She was afraid that she would never see any of the Lefroys again.

"Help!" she shouted in case anyone would hear her. She hoped that she would not fall so bad that she sprained her ankle or hit her head. Jane was exhausted and did not know for how long she would be able to continue walking. But she was determined to find her way back home. She thought she had figured out which way she had been coming from and walked in that direction.

She cursed herself for not telling anyone that she had gone out. Why had she wanted to be so independent? Just because she did not wanted to be sent back to her bed? They would not even know where to begin to look for her, did they even know that she was missing?

She was overwhelmed by distress and she felt helplessly exhausted and was ready to just lie down and cry when she heard her name being called from somewhere beyond the rain.

"I am here!" she cried. "Help!" She started running towards the voice.

"Jane?" She could hear it weakly through the rain, but it was not a mistake. Someone was calling her name.

"Tom?" she was sure it was Tom's voice. She hoped her mind was not toying with her. She hurried on. "Tom!"

"Jane!" She heard his voice nearer now. "Where are you?" She ran as fast as she could in her soaked dress. Suddenly her feet slipped in the mud and she tumbled down, feeling her ankle twist. She shrieked and then everything went black.

-xxx-

Tom was very relieved when he heard Jane Austen's voice coming through the rain.

"I am here! Help!" He hurried towards the sound of her voice. He could still not see her for the rain.

"Jane?"

"Tom? Tom!" her voice sounded quite near now and he started running towards it.

"Jane! Where are you?" He called. Suddenly he heard her shriek followed by a splashing sound. She must have fallen. "Jane!" he called again but this time there was no answer. "No! Jane! I am coming!" He ran as fast as he could without falling himself and found her at the bottom of the little hill, quite unconscious and with blood coming from the side of her head. "Jane?" He threw himself down beside her and wiped her face with her shawl, which he still was holding. Since the shawl was wet it did not help as much as he had wanted, but most of the mud was gone. She must have hit a stone. He caressed her face and inspected the cut. It was not as deep as he had feared but she was bleeding quite heavily. He pressed the shawl against the wound. Her eyelids flickered and her hazel eyes looked up at him.

"Tom," she whispered with a shadow of a smile on her face.

"Jane," he breathed. He had thought for sure he had lost her. "It is going to be alright. I am here."

"Oh, Tom," she breathed. "I thought I would never see you again!" She looked so relieved to see him that he almost kissed her.

"I thought I had lost you, Jane," he said almost choking on his words, caressing her face.

"It is not me you should be worried about," she said and her face became serious as she regained her senses. She tried to sit up.

"Lie still!" He ordered, wondering what she meant by it was not her he should be worried about. "You have hit your head. You could have a concussion."

"I am quite fine," she said and sat up, just to fall down again in the next second. Tom caught her just in time.

"You are not fine." He stared down in her lovely eyes and brushed the dark hair out of her eyes.

"Please, return to the house and be with your wife," Jane said with tears falling from her eyes. "You should be with her, not me."

"Jane, what are you saying?" Jane was his main concern right now, not Mary. He wondered why the two women in his life kept pushing him in the other woman's arms.

"Tom, just return to your house and send someone to help me back."

"I am not leaving you here, Jane. That is completely out of the question. Not in this weather. And not with that wound in your head!" The rain had started to slow down, but it still dripped down on them. But the sky was lighting up and the thunder had moved away again.

"You must." Jane averted her eyes.

"I will not let you go again! I cannot lose you too," he cried heatedly. He almost said 'I love you', but decided against it. This was not the time to declare his love for her. Not when she kept telling him to leave her to go to be with his wife.

"You must not say that," Jane whispered and stared at a point behind him. Tom turned and found that Jones had indeed been clever enough to come to their rescue.

"Master!" Jones exclaimed as he saw them on the wet ground.

"Good man, Jones!" Tom answered. "Go fetch Mr Barrington! I am sure he will be around. Tell him that Miss Austen has taken a nasty fall and hit her head. And make haste!"

"Yes, sir." Jones scurried off again and Tom and Jane were alone once more.

-xxx-

Jane's head was aching and her body shivering in her wet dress. She tried to make Tom leave her be and go be with his dying wife. But he would not listen. It was so inappropriate for him to be with her in this manner. To hurry out to rescue another woman. What would people think? That Jane had come there to steal Tom Lefroy from his dying wife? Hopefully not, but there would be talk. She really had to leave.

"Just leave me here, Tom. Mr Barrington and Jones will take me back to the house," she said.

"And I am telling you, Miss Austen, I am not leaving you here," Tom said with a resolute tone in his voice. Jane pursed her lips shut and refused to say another word until the other two gentlemen arrived. Her head was throbbing more and more and she felt slightly nauseous. Tom eyed her cautiously but stayed quiet.

Jones soon returned with Mr Barrington hurrying after him with a bag in his hand. The rain had stopped completely now and the sky was almost clear.

"What have we here? Did I not tell Miss Austen to stay in her bed?" Mr Barrington said in mildly lecturing tone. Jane answered with a mild smile but said nothing. "Walking in this kind of weather? Oh dear. Let us take a look at the wound first. Are you hurt somewhere else, Miss Austen?" The physician took Tom's place by her side and removed the shawl.

"My right foot," replied Jane weakly. Mr Barrington nodded but started inspecting her head first.

"The cut is not as nasty as one might think." Jane could hear Tom's sigh of relief. Mr Barrington took out bandages and something to clean the wound with. "Are you nauseous? Dizzy? Headache?"

"All of the above," she smiled faintly.

"I fear a slight concussion. Best get you back to bed, Miss Austen. Perhaps Jones…?"

"I will take her," Tom cut in.

"You did the right thing to stay with Miss Austen, Mr Lefroy. Blows to the head are often followed by concussion and the patient must not be left alone." Tom smiled triumphantly at Jane who just frowned meekly back. She had no more strength left to argue with him.

"I am just glad that Jones here arrived when he did." Mr Barrington felt her right foot and announced that nothing was broken.

"Let us get Miss Austen to the house then," Mr Barrington said briskly and Tom scoped her up in his arms as if she weighed absolutely nothing. Jane could not help but feel protected and safe in his arms. She felt like she had come home. She put her arms around his neck to ease the burden a bit. To be this close to him did not help her in her situation. She had to remain sane.

"How is Mrs Lefroy, Mr Barrington?" she asked just to stay focused.

"She is getting weaker and weaker, Miss Austen. But she bears it with such composure," replied the physician.

"I hope I have the time to meet her again before…" she did not finish the sentence.

"You are to stay in your bed for the time being, Miss Austen. But I will tell her that you asked when I visit her later. Both you and Mr Lefroy need to get out of those wet clothes and into bed as to not catch another cold." They reached the house where Millie and the children waited watching the little procession coming over the lawn.

"Miss Austen!" cried Jane Lefroy. "Are you alright?" She hurried over. "You are all wet!" she exclaimed with wide eyes.

"She will be just fine," said Mr Barrington and made way for Tom and Jane. "She needs to get out of these clothes and into dry ones and then directly to bed." The last part was directed to Millie who hurried in and up to Jane's room. Tom took her up the stairs and into her room. Jane could not help but feel embarrassed for making such a spectacle of herself. First getting ill and now wandering off and getting caught in a thunderstorm. Then falling down and hitting her head so bad that she was once again ordered to stay in bed.

Tom put her down gently on the bed and took her face in his hands, staring into her eyes.

"You will never, ever, wander off alone without telling anyone, Miss Austen. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Mr Lefroy. Quite so."

"I do not know what I would have done if the fall had been worse or if I had not been there to find you. Do you realise how worried I was?" Tom started pacing the room.

"But I am fine now," Jane objected, feeling like a naughty child being lectured. Millie entered the room with hot water bottles for Jane's bed. She put them under the covers and left the room again.

"Jane," Tom said and turned to her. "I cannot lose you again."

"Tom," she said, looking up at him sadly. "I must go back home eventually."

"No," Tom said but Millie came back with blankets.

"Mr Barrington says that Mr Lefroy should get out of his wet clothes and into bed," Millie said. "And Miss Austen really needs to get out of hers and be put to bed and rest."

"Fine," Tom sighed. "I will come back to check on you soon, Miss Austen." He bowed before quitting the room.

"As stubborn as they come, my master is," Millie said.

"Right you are, Millie," Jane agreed. She was beginning to realise that leaving after the funeral might not be as easy as she had thought.

-xxx-

Tom got out of his clothes as fast as he could. He realised how close he had been to losing Jane Austen today. He did not think she even realised how worried he had been for her. Now she was talking about going back home. He could not let that happen. Not before he had a chance to tell her how he felt.

As he was all dressed again he went to his wife's room. Mr Barrington was there, checking up on her.

"I thought I told Millie to tell you to go to bed, Mr Lefroy?" the physician said.

"I had to see Mary," Tom said. Mary lay very still in her bed. "It might be my last chance." Mr Barrington nodded in consent.

"I will give you some privacy," Mr Barrington said and left the room. Tom sat down at Mary's side.

"Mary, dear?" he whispered. Her eyelids fluttered and soon her blue eyes looked up at him.

"Tom, dearest," she whispered with a faint smile. "You are wet?" She drew her hand through his still wet hair.

"Miss Austen got lost in the rain," he said simply.

"And you rescued her?" Excitement gleamed in her eyes. "Excellent."

"She fell and, well, yes, I did rescue her. I am sorry, but she has a concussion and will not be able to visit you for another couple of days, my dear."

"That is alright. I have written her a letter if she does not come before…" She coughed. "I put them in the chest for safe keeping until I am gone, Tom. Make sure that everyone gets their letter."

"Of course, Mary." Tom looked at his wife with great despair.

"I was so scared that I was going to lose both of you today," he said truthfully.

"Have you finally come to your senses, my dear?" asked his wife with an amused smile.

"Perhaps. But I am not sure that Miss Austen has."

"Oh, but she will, my dear. She will," his wife said knowingly. Her eyelids fell down and she coughed a little. "I am glad that you will have such a remarkable woman in your life, Thomas Langlois Lefroy."

**-TBC-**

_Did I update soon enough? Did I leave you with another cliff hanger? __Yes I did… Sorry, but I couldn't help myself. _


	18. Make Yourself at Home

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Yes, I admit I am just a tiny bit evil in leaving you with cliff hangers. Nevertheless, words of encouragement make me write faster... And cliff hangers tend to generate reviews... So without further ado; here's chapter 18. _

**Part 18: In which Mr Lefroy makes sure Miss Austen feels at home**

Jane Austen did not become ill again after her adventure in the thunderstorm. Millie watched her like a hawk so that she did not leave her bed before Mr Barrington had given his consent. Mr Barrington himself checked on her twice a day for three days before she was allowed to even leave her bed. Tom was also visiting her often.

Jane felt quite well and did not care much for being waited on day and night. She thought it better that they turned those attentions towards poor Mrs Lefroy instead. She was the one who really needed their tender care. But when she pointed that out she found that she spoke before deaf ears.

"Master's orders," was the answer Millie gave her. Jane sighed, there was no point in arguing and she tried to be an obliging patient. To be honest, she did like the attention.

Even the children had turned their attentions to Jane since their mother was too ill to be allowed any visitors other than her husband and physician. Anne brought her little drawings, Jane books and the boys, well the younger bought her things from the garden, but were very shy and hid most of the time behind their sisters and elder brothers. Anthony brought one of the puppies with him. All and all, Jane Austen felt accepted by the children. They were too honest to feign to like her. Suddenly her decision to leave after the funeral seemed like a very bad idea. How could she leave them when they clearly needed her the most?

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy was happy that neither he nor Jane had taken ill after their adventure in the rain. He made it very clear to both Mr Barrington and Millie that Miss Austen should be cared for as if she was part of the family. She was also not to be let out of bed too early this time. Tom made sure that his orders were obeyed by visiting Jane as often as he saw fit without rising suspicions of his motives. He just wanted to make sure Jane felt at home.

He was also happy to see that his children had found their way into her chamber, bringing her small trinkets and tokens of their appreciation. Surely that would change her mind about going home. He would not hear her talk like that. She could not leave now, not ever if he had something to say about it. He could understand her uneasiness. She did not want to be a burden to them or impose on them. But if she only could see that there was no other place for her than by his side… Only Tom did not know how to make her come to that conclusion. He did not dare tell her how he felt until he was certain she felt the same. Mary was still sure that Jane did love him.

"How can a woman not love a man who saves her and carries her in his arms to his home?" she asked as he sat with her one evening.

"My dearest Mary, I do not understand why you insist on her loving me? I am quite sure she does not."

"She said so when I asked. Have you asked her?" she demanded to know.

"You know very well I have not asked her," Tom replied.

"Will you ask her to stay after the funeral?"

"Do not you think she would stay at her own accord?"

"No, dear, I do not think she would want to impose during your grieving period," Mary said as a matter of factly.

"All in due time, my dear. Firstly we have Jane's birthday coming up on Friday," he said to change the subject from her imminent death.

"I cannot believe Miss Austen has been here over a week already. I am very sorry that she was unwell and now bed bound again. I so hope I get to meet her before I take my leave." Mary started coughing.

"I think this is enough excitement for one day," Tom said and caressed her cheek. "I will ask Miss Austen to visit you as soon as Mr Barrington allows her to leave her room."

"You mean, when you allow Mr Barrington to tell her that she is allowed to leave her room," Mary hissed between her coughing fits. Tom felt his cheeks go red. Mary knew him too well.

"I just did not want her to get ill again," he shrugged.

"Of course you did not."

"I am going to leave you to rest now, my dear."

"Yes, you really do not care of what hour of the day it is when you are stuck in here all day," Mary said wistfully.

"True, my dear. But I feel I need some sleep now at least. I will ask Miss Austen to visit you tomorrow."

"Good night, my dear Tom. Will you stay till I have fallen asleep?"

"Of course, if you want it." Tom sat down and took her hand in his, kissing it. He wondered if he should ask Jane to stay or not. She had been saying that she had eventually got to go home. He did not want to hear her speak like that. Did she not see? He would of course have to ask her to stay.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy could see how Miss Austen grew more impatient by the day to not be able to leave her room. Her father had made it very clear that she was not to be worn out by her visitors. Jane visited her everyday both with and without her siblings. She noticed how her father appreciated that they were paying Miss Austen visits, and encouraged them to bring her tokens of their appreciation. Since their mother was too ill to see them they were more than happy to oblige.

Miss Austen also seemed happy to see them and greeted them with smiles and welcoming words. The younger children were even allowed to crawl up in her bed when she was still ordered bed rest. Jane was happy do see that her siblings also liked Miss Austen. They had seemed a bit awkward towards her in the beginning, especially the boys, but they were soon chatting away about what they had done during the day or what they were going to do the next.

Jane did not dare ask what had happened during the rainstorm. Neither Miss Austen nor her father had been speaking of it since he came up to the house with her in his arms. Jane had thought it was very romantic how her father had dashed out, defying the rain and thunder to find her. It was like something you would read in a novel.

"Jane, dear, please promise me that you and your sister and brothers do not go out without telling anyone? We would not want another incident as the one with Miss Austen," her father had sternly ordered. "You are not to wander off beyond the boundaries of the garden, is that clear? At least not without company." Jane had promised not to do so. Her father looked very concerned but they seldom left the garden unless it was to go for a longer horse ride. But then she always had Anthony as company.

Jane looked forward to her birthday in two days. Although her mother was not going to be present her father had promised she could go and visit her for a while. It was not going to be a large celebration this year since her mother was ill, but a few of her closest friends were coming for tea. She was very proud to be able to introduce them to Miss Austen, whose books they all loved dearly.

-xxx-

"Miss Austen," Mr Barrington said as he entered her room.

"Mr Barrington," she greeted him from the table by the window, where she was sitting writing.

"I think it is safe for you to leave your room now, but do be careful and do not go wander off like that again," he exhorted. "And do take care of you ankle." Her ankle was fine, she could stand on it without trouble and it was not even as hurt as she had feared.

"Of course," she answered. She would never dream of doing that again. Not after Tom's lecture. She would not want to put herself in that situation again. Nevertheless, she had to admit that she found it quite exhilarating to be saved by the man she loved. So romantic, almost too romantic for a poor authoress to experience in real life. That was something for the books.

"Millie will soon be up with your tea and Mr Lefroy has been asking to see you. Can I send him in?" Mr Barrington said. Jane's eyebrows shot up in wonderment. Tom had never asked permission to come and visit her.

"Of course," replied she with a puzzled face. He left and soon Tom took his place.

"Miss Austen," he bowed slightly.

"Mr Lefroy," she said with wonder in her voice. Why the formalities? "How is your wife?"

"Still hanging on." Jane nodded. "Jane, I... " He looked distracted. "I was wondering whether..." Again he hesitated.

"Yes?"

"Well, Mary wishes to see you," he finally said. Jane wondered if that was really what he wanted to say.

"I will see her as soon as I have had my tea," replied she.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

"Not at all," she said and started clearing the table from her sheets of papers.

"Are you writing?"

"Yes, I found a sudden inspiration," Jane smiled slightly. The story she had thought of in London needed to be written down. "Seeing as I have been trapped in my room, there was little else I could do." Her statement brought a slight colour to his cheeks. She knew it had all been his doing.

"I see." They remained silent until Millie entered with the trey of refreshments.

"Oh, master," said she. "Shall I bring another cup, sir?"

"If it is not too much trouble, Millie," Tom said.

"Of course not, sir," she replied with a curtsey and hurried out of the room to soon return with another cup for her master. They sat down and Millie poured the tea before leaving them to themselves. Jane could think of nothing to say. She was filled ideas for her new novel and was not really very good company. Tom seemed lost in thought as well.

"It is Jane's birthday on Friday," he said.

"Yes, so I have heard."

"You will celebrate with us?"

"If you want me to."

"I know Jane would not have it any other way. I suspect she has been informing everyone that the famous Miss Austen is staying with us."

"Oh, I am not that famous," Jane objected mildly.

"But you are."

"Perhaps a little," she acknowledged with a small smile. "I can help with the necessary preparations if that would be of any help."

"I shall tell Millie and Mrs Jones that they ask you for help. I am sure Jane will appreciate it immensely."

"Good." Jane looked down on her hands. "I want to repay some of the kindness that has been shown to me. It is the least I can do."

"Did you really mean what you said in the field? I mean about going home?" he suddenly asked.

"Tom, you must know that I will have to go home at some point. This is not my home. I cannot stay here forever and impose on your privacy."

"But you are not imposing. You are a guest here," he objected.

"I cannot stay during your grieving period. I will leave after the funeral," she said with tears burning in her eyes.

"I will not let you go again!" he cried heatedly, taking hold of her hand.

"But you must," Jane said and gazed into his eyes. "There is nothing for me here."

"I am here," he said quietly.

"But..."

"Please do not leave me," he whispered with tears in his eyes. "I cannot bear to be alone when Mary is gone." She stared at him, not sure if she had heard him right. Was he asking her to stay forever?

"I..."

"No, do not say anything now. Please see Mary first. Will you do as much for me?" Jane found that she could not object to such eager plea.

"Of course. I will go and visit her at once," she said. She looked down at her hand still in his. He let go of her reluctantly.

"Thank you," he said and stood up.

"Not at all," she said and rose, gazing into his eyes. They were dark with emotion and gazed longingly into hers. She smiled slightly, realising that he might love her still. Perhaps Mary was going to have her will in the end.

**-TBC-**

_**No major cliff hanger this time... **__**But I crave reviews. **_


	19. Operation ‘Persuasion'

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: There might be a few more chapters than I said before... They are just so stubborn!_

**Part 19: In which operation 'Persuasion' commences**

Tom Lefroy was sure his wife would talk Miss Austen out of leaving. She could be very persuasive when needed. And when it came to her family, she would not take no for an answer. He realised that he had some business to take care of and therefore locked himself up in his study. He was pretty certain that Miss Austen would not think of leaving him again. He was not sure he could bear to lose them both. If only Jane could see how much he loved her still. _Why did I not tell her?_

-xxx-

"Mrs Lefroy?" Jane knocked on her door.

"Miss Austen," Mr Barrington said as he opened the door for her. "My patient is sleeping at the moment."

"I will come back later," Jane said.

"You may sit here if you like, Miss Austen. I know that she has been asking about you."

"Very well." Jane sat down in the chair next to the bed. Mary lay very pale in the bed with the long lashes rested against her cheek. She looked so serene. Jane felt truly sorry for the other woman. It could not be easy to bear such a fate, knowing that you were leaving a family behind at such a young age. Jane admired her immensely. Then she thought of Tom and his plea for her to stay. Could she stay? What would people say? She would be the gossip of Limerick. No, that was out of the question. She could not do that. It would be best for everyone if she left after the funeral. No matter how much Jane wanted to stay she did not want to be the one who ruined his reputation.

She admitted to herself that she did love him as much as she ever had. The feeling of his arms around her, when he carried her up to the house, it had felt as if she belonged there. Jane was torn between doing what propriety told her to do and to follow her heart. She did not dare be rejected.

Mary was stirring in the bed, her eyelids fluttered and soon blue eyes gazed up at Jane.

"Mrs Lefroy? How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?" Jane asked.

"Miss Austen!" Mary smiled faintly. "I knew you would come."

"Of course." Mary's eyes were glossy from fever.

"I do not have much time left." Jane reached for the damp cloth and bathed her forehead. Mary started coughing. "You must not leave!" she suddenly cried heatedly.

"How did you know...?" Jane looked at her incredously.

"I know what I would have done in your situation," Mary panted. "You must promise me that you do not leave, Jane."

"I cannot stay, you know it is highly inappropriate," Jane looked at her with begging eyes.

"I have written it down in my testimony that I want you to stay with my family and Tom and that I have given my consent."

"You must not do that, Mary. I..."

"Tom loves you! He will be lost without me."

"Mary..."

"My will will be read at the funeral. Everyone will know that it was my dying wish for you to be together."

"Please, I cannot," Jane objected.

"Has not my husband asked you to stay?"

"Yes, but..."

"Do not you believe he still loves you?" Mary started coughing. Jane was not sure whether Tom still loved her. She could have misread his emotions as just fear of being left alone.

"But the children..."

"Tom has told me that they like you."

"Mary, you know I do not mean any disrespect to your wishes, but I just cannot, for many different reasons."

"I have seen the way he looks when he speaks of you. You must not leave. Please do not leave him when I am dead. He will not survive." Jane thought of the tears that had formed in Tom's eyes when he said he could not bear to be alone when Mary died. She did not want to be there as a substitute. She wanted to be asked to stay because he loved her.

"I cannot take your place, Mary. I am not you. If I am to stay it will be because he cannot live without _me_. Not without _you_," Jane said decidedly. "Until then I plan on going home after the funeral."

"But Miss Austen," Mary gasped. "He does love you."

"Mrs Lefroy, I am sure he does not, he is just confused with fear of being left behind, to be alone with the children. It has nothing to do with love, it has to do with dependency." Mary's eyes grew wide in astonishment over Jane's statement. As soon as the harsh words left her lips she regretted them, but it was too late. "I am quite determined, Mrs Lefroy."

"You are as headstrong as Tom!" cried Mary. "Why cannot you just acknolwledge that you two love each other?"

"I am sure Tom does not think it a good idea either," Jane said.

"He only thinks so because he does not dare believe you love him. But you do, I can see it in your eyes. He defied the rain and thunder to rescue you, because he did not want to lose you again, Jane." Mary started coughing violently. Jane rose to fetch her water. "I am dying, Jane. But I will have my way, if it is the very last thing I shall do!" Jane stared at her. Mary's cheeks were red and her eyes were sparkling. _Headstrong woman!_ Could not she see what it would do to her family? To Tom?

"You must understand why I cannot?"

"No, I do not understand how you can walk away from the most lovable man in Ireland! He loves you, Jane."

"I believe that when I hear it. Now, I will leave you to rest. I have to help preparing for Jane's birthday."

"I will have my way!" Mary rose as far as she could muster. "Just you wait, Miss Austen!" She sank down on her pillows again and her eyelids slipped down. Jane took her hand and checked her pulse. She was still alive, but unconscious.

"We shall see," Jane mumbled. She closed the door quitely behind her. She was angry with Mary for continuing to push her in Tom's arms, and with herself for resisting. She did not understand why she had to keep fighting her own feelings. It was clear that Mary wanted her to stay and be with Tom. But Jane wanted Tom to ask her to stay because _he_ wanted her not because it was Mary's last wish. She wanted to be loved for her own sake and nothing else. She regretted her own stubbornness, but the words were already said and she could not take them back. She did want to be asked to stay. But Tom had to be the one who asked her. Not his wife. He was a man for God's sake. Why did he not tell her?

She hurried outside to get some air, before tending to the preparations for Jane's birthday.

-xxx-

Tom did not see Jane Austen until supper that night. He had been taking care of some business in his study and barely been out of that room since their tea that morning. He thought she looked distressed. He wondered what she and her wife had been talking about. Tom tried to catch her eye, but she did not look at him once, but down at her plate, eating quietly.

"Miss Austen," said his daughter. "Papa tells me that you will help with the preparations for my birthday on Friday."

"Of course, Jane," Miss Austen said. "I will help in anyway I can."

"I am glad," Jane said. "My friends are so eager to meet you!"

"I am glad to be of service," Miss Austen smiled slightly, but Tom could see the sadness in her eyes. She was still set on leaving them. His heart filled with sorrow. He must do something to make her stay. He could not let her go again.

"Miss Austen, may I see you in the library after supper?" he asked. She looked up at him.

"Of course, Mr Lefroy," she replied and took a sip of wine and they finished their food.

She followed him to the library. He closed the door behind them and walked over to the windows, gazing out into the night. He struggled with the words, not sure what to say. He had asked him to join him out of a whim. All he wanted to do was to march over and take her in his arms, but he could not.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" he asked at length, turning to her.

"No, thank you I am fine."

"Will you sit?" he gestured towards the chairs where they had sat a few days ago. She walked over and sat down. "You are still decided on going?" It was not a question really, it was a statement. He saw that she had not changed her mind.

"Yes, I will leave after the funeral, as I said."

"Mary did not make you change your mind?"

"Mary was very persuasive, but this has nothing to do with Mary, Tom. Do not you see?" She looked at him with dark eyes, filled with pain. He did not know how to make those eyes gaze at him with love again. He realised it had to do with him. He recalled how she had looked at him in the field; at that moment he had almost thought she did love him. Now he was not as certain.

"Will not you stay if I ask you to?"

"You ask me for the wrong reasons, Tom," Jane answered. "You cannot bear the thought of being alone." He wanted to object, to tell her that it was not true He wanted to tell her he wanted her to stay because he loved her, but he did not dare. He was afraid she would not have him and he could not bear another loss.

"But you will stay until the funeral?" She looked at him with puzzled face, as if wondering why he had a change of heart.

"Of course." He let out a sigh of relief. He would at least have some more time to make her understand how much she was needed there. Not only for him, but also for his children.

-xxx-

Jane gazed at Tom, feeling very confused and uncertain as to why he had suddenly accepted the fact that she was leaving. Why could not he just say the words she was longin to hear, no matter how inapproriate it was?

"Good night, Miss Austen," he said suddenly and rose.

"Good night, Mr Lefroy," she replied. He left her there. She had no idea as to why he suddenly just settled with her leaving after the funeral. She had been right. He did not love her. She had given him the opportunity to tell her that he wanted her to stay because he loved her, but he had not. The insight hit Jane and made tears rise in her eyes. _He does not love me_. Why was she so stubborn in not letting him know that she still loved him? Why could she not just take the leap and throw convention out the window as she always had dreamed of? Why did she fight it when all she wanted to do was to throw herself in her arms? _Why do I have to remain the sensible one?_

She went upstairs to her room. Sitting down in the candle light she continued writing on her new novel. At least there she could get an outlet of her longing, loving feelings. There she could mould the ending to how she wanted it. A truly happy ending. She did not dare hope for a happy ending for herself.

-xxx-

"She is still set on leaving, Mary," Tom whispered to his wife as he came to say good night. "I asked her to stay but she said I asked for the wrong reason. Whatever that means."

"I know. You have to tell her you cannot live without _her_, my dear. You have to show her that you still love her! Do I have to tell you everything?"

"I can still not declare my love for another when you, my dear Mary, are still here."

"If you want her to stay, you must. This has nothing to do with me anymore, Tom. Your and Miss Austen's happiness lies in your hands. She will not stay unless you ask her out of love for her." He frowned, realising that she was right. He had to make Miss Austen realise how much he loved her and persuade her to stay with him. Make her understand that he could not live without her.

"What if she will not have me?" Tom was worried that Jane Austen would reject him.

"She will have you. If she did not love you, she would not have come here. Who can resist you, Tom? I am sure she cannot resist the man who rescued her from the rain." Mary smiled faintly.

"You are determined to have your way, are you not?" he said. "I am not as certain as you are, my dear."

Mary smiled wistfully, "You have read her novels, have you not? You know how she feels when it comes to love and marriage. You know what you have to do."

"Yes."

Tom admitted that he had been foolish enough to think that Mary was the one who had to convince Miss Austen to stay. But now he saw that she would not stay unless he asked her to. Properly this time, not because he could not bear to be left alone. He had to ask her to stay because he loved her.

**-TBC-**

_**Reviews make me write faster…**_


	20. Cat and Mouse

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Yes, they are both very stubborn, but I just cannot help it. To be honest, I don't want this story to end…_

**Part 20: In which they play cat and mouse and the mouse gets covered in flour**

Jane Austen barely slept at all that night. She was writing almost through the night and when she finally crept into bed her dreams were filled with images of Tom coming to her rescue. She was a fool. Instead of encourage him in his pursuit she was pushing him away. Why was not real life as simple as one of her novels?

Jane was afraid that she might have ruined her chances with Tom once again. She wished she had not said those words to Mary. What if Mary suddenly changed her mind and did not act as Jane hoped she would? Jane was almost certain Mary would tell Tom about their discussion. Hopefully Mary would talk Tom into telling her how he felt.

Thursday came with sunny skies and preparations for the birthday the following day. Jane helped out as much as she could in the kitchen and decorated the drawing room. She tried to stay out of Tom's way and did not go to see Mary. She was ashamed of how she behaved towards their hospitality. She did not trust herself around Tom right now and she felt really awkward around him.

She was getting worried that Tom would not ask her to stay again. She regretted letting him down so sternly, but she firmly believed he was confused with the emotions of the pending death of his wife and not because he loved her. At least that was what she continued telling herself.

-xxx-

Tom started to suspect Jane Austen was avoiding him. It saddened him to see her leave every time he came in to a room. How was he supposed to convince her that he loved her when she did not give him the time of day? She did not even meet his queering eyes. He could see the ink stains on her fingers that told him that she was writing again. He recollected how he had thought it adorable when he was younger. It still had the same effect on him His heart swelled with love for her. He loved that she was helping to prepare for Jane's birthday the next day and it really bothered him that she did not want to speak with him, let alone be in the same room as him.

He kept himself busy with working on his reports but occasionally entered the kitchen or the drawing room to see how the preparations were coming along. They had decided on a small gathering only but there was still much to do; cake to be baked, lemonade to be made and decorations to be hung up.

"Miss Austen?" he said as he entered the kitchen where she was busy with kneading dough. She turned around with flour on her forehead as if she had wiped it or scratched it. She looked surprised to see him.

"Yes?" she said, completely unaware of how beautiful he thought she was in that moment, with flour on her face, strands of hair was coming undone from her bun curled around her face and with cheeks red from exercise. She brushed the hair out of her face, leaving another trace of flour on her face. He had to restrain himself from not wiping it away.

"Should not Mrs Jones be doing that?"

"Yes, but she had to go into town to fetch more flour, and it is not a problem really. I like baking," she smiled slightly. "Besides, it is just sugar cookies." She wiped her hands on her apron.

"What about Millie?" he asked.

"Well, I think she is out picking strawberries with the children. It is such a nice day for that sort of thing," she smiled pleasantly.

"And you did not want to join them?" Tom could picture her among the strawberries with the children around her. And what a lovely picture it was, he could see her with little George in her lap feeding him sun warm strawberries. He could just as easily picture himself being fed strawberries from her hand.

"I have to finish up in here first. I will join them shortly."

"I see," he said, unsure how to continue. She looked as if she wanted to return to her baking.

"As soon as I have done these I will be out," she said.

"I will ask Millie to serve tea in the garden then," Tom said decidedly. She could not refuse to take tea with them. "Perhaps some fresh strawberries and cream as a treat for us all," he smiled brightly.

"I will join you as soon as I can," she replied with a sunny smile.

"I will leave you to it then and send Millie in to prepare the tea," he said, and added 'and finish your cookies' silently to himself. Jane looked at home in the kitchen and the flour that covered her really suited her. She had no idea of how her appearance affected him. He had to get out of there before he did something they might regret.

-xxx-

Jane realised that Tom was actually seeking her out. She was surprised to hear his voice from behind her as she stood in the kitchen making cookies. She felt slightly embarrassed for doing Mrs Jones's chores but she enjoyed baking and she really wanted to make amends for the hospitality shown to her. That and she really needed to focus on something else other than Tom. But he did not make that easy for her. He kept popping in where ever she might be.

Ever since she admitted to actually still loving him as much as she ever had, she found it hard to be in the same room as him. For some reason she did not know how to act around him. She felt like she was twenty again. This awkwardness led to her avoiding him as much as possible. She did not trust herself around him anymore. All she could think of was the way he had carried her in his arms, rescuing her from the rain. Mary was right. How could a woman not love a man who dashes out to rescue her?

She could not get away from talking to him now. He was standing in the kitchen smiling and attentive. Asking about this and that, just to make some conversation. Her heart melted. She brushed a strand of hair from her eyes, suddenly aware of the state she was in. Her hair was slipping out of her pins and the hotness of the kitchen made it curl around her face. Her cheeks grew even hotter when she met his eyes.

"As soon as I have done these I will be out," she said and hoped that he would leave her to finish her task.

"I will ask Millie to serve tea in the garden then," he replied. That sounded lovely. Perhaps the children's strawberries could serve as dessert. "Perhaps some fresh strawberries and cream as a treat for us all," Tom said as if he had read her thoughts with a bright smile.

"I will join you as soon as I can," Jane replied, returning his infectious smile. She regretted her game of cat and mouse she had played with him earlier that day and decided to try to be as amiable as she could towards him.

"I will leave you to it then and send Millie in to prepare the tea," Tom said and left her to finish her cookies. She let out a sigh as he closed the door behind him. She turned to find something to reflect her image on to see what state her appearance was in and found that she was completely covered in flour and her hair really needed redoing. She blushed slightly. It could not be helped. She would need to freshen up before she took tea with him. Why had he not mentioned that she looked like a scullery maid?

She rolled out the dough and started to cut out round cookies as Millie entered the kitchen. She looked hot from being in the sun for a while. She brought with her a large bowl of strawberries.

"Look at you Miss Austen! All covered in flour!" she chuckled happily as she saw Jane's floury complexion.

"Yes," Jane said and felt her cheeks go even redder.

"I promised to serve tea in half an hour so it is probably time to go freshen up, Miss Austen. I will finish up here," Millie said.

"Oh it is no trouble, I am almost finished," Jane objected.

"Master's orders," Millie smiled. _Of course_, Jane thought, but did not say anything but took off her apron and went to her room. She took her time to make herself presentable again.

When she came down again she walked outside and found a table in the shadow of the shrubberies set with strawberries and cream for all of them. The children sat around it with plates full of delicious strawberries. Jane could hardly remember the last time she had tasted anything more delicious. Jane had little George on her left side and Anne on the other. She felt at ease around them now and chatted with all of them, asking them about their day and especially Jane about her forthcoming birthday the next day. They all seemed much exited about it. Anne confided in Jane that she had made a drawing for her sister, the boys had, with the help of their father, picked out a book for her.

-xxx-

Tom watched how Jane interacted with his children and was very happy with what he saw. She looked like she belonged there. He was certain she would fill the void his darling Mary would leave. He saw how she wiped George's face free from cream and then looked up at meet his admiring eyes. She smiled. His heart stopped for an instant and then started again in double pace. He found it hard to breathe properly. There was so much emotion in those eyes that he had to look away.

This was a nice change from avoiding him all morning. He wondered what had brought that on. He still did not dare hope for her to stay unless he asked her or told her how he felt. He could barely take his eyes off of her. Her eyes were again sparkling and her cheeks glowing. It was long since he had seen her look so well. The shadow of sadness that had clouded her eyes was gone.

"We will have to ask Mrs Jones to make a cake with the strawberries for you, Jane," he said to his daughter.

"Yes," she smiled back, "they are truly delicious." She put a strawberry in her mouth and chewed on it with delight.

-xxx-

Spending time with Tom and his children was enjoyable for Jane Austen, but also a bit saddening. It reminded her of the family she never had. Though it now was within her grasp she continued being set on leaving after the funeral. Sadly it seemed Mary was barely hanging on now and could pass away any day. To think about the children being motherless made her very sad indeed.

She smiled down at little George and found his toothy smile coloured with strawberry smears mixed with cream. She took a napkin and wiped his face clean and was rewarded with a wet kiss on her cheek as he left the table as soon as he was clean. As she looked up again she caught Tom's eye. He smiled at her and she felt herself light up in a bright smile, his smile had always been very infectious and very charming. Now, when nearing his forties, with a more distinguished look, he still had the same affect on her. Her stomach fluttered and she felt her knees go weak even though she was sitting down. The gaze he gave her said more than a thousand words and she realized that she might have been mistaken. He still had feelings for her, he might perhaps even love her still.

As she bid him good night at the bottom of the stairs he turned back to her with his hands on his back and gleaming eyes.

"By the way, you do look quite becoming in flour," he said with a devilish smile.

**-TBC-**

_**You know the drill…**_


	21. Jane Lefroy Turns Twelve

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Thank you for all your encouragement. I hope you like this chapter. They are starting to wear down... _

**Part ****21: In which Jane Lefroy turns twelve**

Jane Lefroy could hardly sleep that night. She was too exited about her birthday. Although she had already gotten the best gift of all she wondered what her friends were going to bring her. She was also going to visit her mother, she had longed to be with her and talk to her. Her mother was constantly getting worse. Her father wanted the children to have happier memories of their mother other than laying ill in her bed. She was going to bring her some treats from the birthday tea, especially the lovely strawberries. They were her mother's favourite.

-xxx-

Jane Austen's sleep was disturbed by Tom's final words.

_"By the way, you do look quite becoming in flour."_ Her cheeks grew red as she lay in her bed. She had indeed looked like a maid with flour from top to bottom and he had just stood there making polite conversation without as much as a word regarding her appearance. She also thought of the gazes they had shared at the tea table. She tried her best not to read too much into them. But there was something in them, something that spoke to her, a faint whisper of him loving her still.

She rose early to help Millie and Mrs Jones with the final preparations and the birthday breakfast which was to be had in bed. Jane took it upon herself to pick fresh flowers for every room. The night's dreaming and Tom-centred thoughts needed clearing out with sweet June-air. She went out with a basked on her arm and scissors in hand in search of suitable flowers.

She drew in a deep breath of crisp air filled with the sweet smell of roses sprinkled with dew. Once again she was struck by the beauty of this garden. It must have been made by the tenderest care and a loving hand. She let the sun warm her face as she turned it to the sky as Tom had done the first morning she had been there. It was a truly delicious feeling.

-xxx-

The two Janes were not the only ones with sleeping troubles. Tom had lain awake replaying the kitchen scene followed by tea in the garden for hours. He was beginning to see that Jane's feelings were as strong as his. The way she helped out with the preparations for his daughter's birthday and taking an interest in his children's welfare told him that she did care at least. She must soon realise that her leaving was not an option. He had seen the way she was with the children and how she sometimes gazed at them with very sad eyes, as if she felt utterly sorry for them.

He dressed and went down to see his wife before Jane's birthday breakfast. It was still very early and he thought no one was up, but he caught glimpse of Jane Austen's pale blue muslin as she exited the house. He wanted to follow her, but he restrained himself and continued on to his wife's chamber.

"Mary, dearest?" he whispered in her ear as he sat down on the bed. She was sleeping quite calmly. "Oh, Mary, what am I to do without you?" He took in her pale face, the long lashes that rested against her cheek, the curly golden hair, and the small soft hands that rested on the cover. He took hold of her hands, lifting them up to his mouth and kissed them gently. She stirred slightly but did not wake up. He brushed her hair out of her face and felt her forehead. She was hot from fever. He hoped for his daughter's sake that she would be conscious later that day when she came to visit.

-xxx-

Jane walked slowly back to the house when the basket was full of a nice blend of flowers that she had found in the garden. She was truly satisfied. Her head was filled with images from the day before and as she deep in thought rounded a corner without looking she stepped right into Tom's chest. She was so startled she almost lost her balance for a second, but Tom's strong arms scooped her up before she fell.

"You really need to work on your balance, Miss Austen," he remarked with a sly smile. She stared up into his blue eyes and lost herself in them for a moment. She could feel his heart beating under her hand that rested on his chest. Her mouth went dry and her knees utterly weak.

"My knees are not what they used to," she breathed with pounding heart.

"Perhaps Mr Barrington could be persuaded into examine them," Tom said and his smile widened. She was still captive in his arms, his eyes gazing into hers. She was dangerously close to him. The musky scent of his cologne intermingled with the sweet scent of newly picked roses and the mix made Jane dizzy. Jane was completely lost in the moment, her head was spinning and she lost track of time. His hold around her waist tightened as his face drew nearer. She could not move, but then again, she did not want to move. She swallowed, he was too close. Her eyelids slipped down as she titled her head upwards to meet his lips. She could feel his breath on her face.

Somewhere behind her she could hear a door open. She broke free, twirled around to see Millie coming from her mistress' room. Her face grew hot as she realised how close it had been that they had actually kissed and being caught doing just that.

Jane hoped Millie had not seen how close her master and she had been to each other. It was very, very inappropriate to stand in a dark hallway, captive in another woman's husband's arms. Even if it was because she had almost fallen and he had rescued her. Again.

-xxx-

Tom cursed under his breath as he heard the door open and Jane broke free from his embrace. Just a few more seconds and their lips had brushed against each other in a soft kiss. Now the moment was lost and they went their separate ways to go on with the preparations. Tom could not concentrate on the task he had planned to finish before breakfast but just thought of the almost kiss. He was deep in thought when Millie knocked on his study door to announce that Jane's breakfast was ready and everybody was waiting for him.

"I will be right there," he answered distractedly. To be close to Jane Austen again was an exhilarating thought. He hurried up to his daughter's room and found Jane standing with the tray in her hands waiting for the rest of his family. Her cheeks were red and she did not meet his eyes. Tom opened the door to his daughter's room and they started singing. Her siblings ran in and jumped up in her bed and Jane Austen followed with the tray and put it down by on the table by Jane's bed.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy feigned sleeping as she heard hushed voiced outside her door. She had been awake for hours already. The door slowly opened and her sister and brothers ran in and jumped up in her bed while singing on the top of their lungs. She smiled and hugged them all. Anthony had brought her puppy as well and Anne gave her a drawing of the meadow outside her window. Miss Austen followed with the breakfast tray in her hands and put it down on her table by the bed. She smiled happily at Jane and her father who came and sat down next to her.

"Happy birthday, Jane," he said and handed her a small parcel. She opened it hastily and found a small box which contained a beautiful necklace.

"Oh, papa, it is beautiful!" she squealed and threw herself around his neck. Her brothers brought her Shakespeare's _Much Ado About Nothing_. She had not yet read it and she was looking forward to it. But this instant it was the breakfast that drew her attention. She felt famished. She glanced at Miss Austen who was standing a bit to the side. She thought the authoress had an almost bewildered look about her today. Miss Austen caught her eye and smiled at her.

As she had finished her breakfast Millie helped her into her favourite white laced muslin and put her hair up. She wanted to look her best. She longed to see her mother again. She also realised that it was going to be the last time. She quickly pushed the sad thoughts away and focused on the present.

"Are you ready to meet your mother, Jane?" her father asked as she exited her room.

"Yes, papa," she smiled up at him.

"I have just been with her and she is expecting you now," he said. "You look remarkable pretty, you know Jane? Very much like your mother." She noticed the sadness in his eyes and took his hand and squeezed it.

"And she thinks I look like you," she smiled brightly and let him escort her to her mother's chamber.

"I will leave you two ladies alone," he said and opened the door for her. She tiptoed in and sat down at her mother's side. She noticed the vase of fresh flowers on her nightstand and wondered if Miss Austen had been into see her also.

"Mamma?" she whispered. Her mother's eyelids fluttered and opened. Her blue eyes focused on Jane's face.

"Jane, my dear child!" she whispered and took her hands. "I am so happy that I get to spend another birthday with you."

"So am I, mamma," Jane replied and kissed her mother's hands.

"Now tell me everything! What have you gotten so far?" her mother asked.

"Well, you know I got the puppy, Anne has made a very nice drawing for me, the boys gave me Shakespeare's _Much Ado About Nothing_, and papa gave me this necklace." Jane brought her hand up to her neck to show her mother.

"Lovely," her mother said. "It suits you very well, my dear."

"I am so sorry that you cannot celebrate with us all," Jane said with tears in her eyes.

"I know, but you are here now," her mother said.

"Yes, I am," Jane smiled and hugged her mother. She did not want to lose her, but fate had another plan.

"So, tell me about your father rescuing Miss Austen!" her mother mused.

"Not much to tell, really," she answered. "But it looked very romantic when he came up towards the house with her in his arms, wet all over. Quite like Willoughby carrying Marianne."

"It is delightful," her mother said with glittering eyes. "Is Miss Austen still set on going home?"

"I do not know. I did not know she was leaving."

"Hopefully she will not, but do try to say something about you wanting her to stay. She needs a bit of persuasion, I think."

-xxx-

Jane Austen held herself in the background for most of the day until Jane Lefroy's friends came. They attacked her with lots of questions, wanting to know everything about her. She had never realised what kind of impact her novels had on other people's lives. The girls adored her books and swore never to marry without affection.

"I am so glad that you are here to celebrate my birthday, Miss Austen," Jane Lefroy whispered as they said goodbye to her friends. "My friends really liked you."

"I am glad too, Jane."

"I never want you to leave, Miss Austen," Jane said and put her arms around her in a tight hug. Jane did not know how to respond. She patted her on the back.

"I am not leaving just yet," she said evasively.

"I do not know what we would do without you."

"Jane, I must leave sometime," Jane said. "I cannot stay here forever. I have a sister and mother too that misses me."

"Could not they come here too?" Jane asked with the logic thinking of a twelve year old, looking up at her with pleading blue eyes that looked so much like her father's.

"It is not that simple, my dear. I wish it was, but it is not," Jane said and kissed her on the head.

-xxx-

Tom heard Jane's last words and they gave him some hope. She did not sound as set on leaving anymore. If she had been she would have said so as not to keep his daughter's hopes up. His head was still filled with his encounter with Jane in the hallway that morning. He knew she had been as caught up in the moment as he had and he silently cursed Millie for showing up like she had.

"How has your day been, dearest?" Mary asked him as he came to say goodnight.

"It has been very good indeed," he smiled and thought of Jane in his arms.

"Jane was very happy for the gift she had gotten."

"Yes, the necklace was perfect."

"She told me all about you rescuing Miss Austen. She found it quite heroic," smiled his wife.

"I am no hero, dear."

"Is she still set on going home?"

"I do not know, I have not asked her again. But Jane asked her earlier and she did not say a definite 'no' and that must count for something. She would not want to lead Jane on, right?"

"It is a step forward, my dear. I think she is a bit embarrassed to come see me again after her last visit. She did say some pretty harsh words."

"I am trying to convince her about how much she is wanted and needed here," Tom said. "And you should see her with the children, so sweet tempered and patient." Tom smiled lovingly when he thought of Jane with little George by her side at the tea table.

"Thomas Langlois Lefroy, I do believe you are in love."

**-TBC-**

_I've done my job, now it is your turn! ;)_


	22. Cats, Mice and Angels

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Don't we all love almost-kisses? But what do we love more...?_

**Part ****22: In which the cat finally catches the mouse and heaven retrieves an angel**

Jane Austen had once more fled to the sweet serenity of the garden. Jane Lefroy's words haunted her. She had only been in their life a short time, but the children had taken a fancy to her. She walked down to the rose garden. What was she to do? She could not leave the children now that they were turning to her for comfort. She was not even sure if she could leave Tom without feeling like a villain.

She turned her gaze up to the starlit sky as in search for answers. She shivered in the slight breeze and drew her shawl closer. The stars had no answers for her but kept on twinkling happily at her. Her thoughts wandered back to that morning and the encounter with Tom in the hallway and she blushed. If Millie had not exited her mistress' room they would most probably have kissed. The insight sent shivers down her spine. She toyed with the idea of staying on after the funeral, thinking of bringing her mother and dear sister to Limerick. The thought was breathtaking. She had to remind herself of the fact that Tom had yet to ask her for the right reasons. Would he ask before it was too late? Did he even love her? Jane let out a deep sigh. How did her life become so complicated?

She had led a simple but comfortable life. Devoted her love and longing to her fiction and had been satisfied with that. Then came Tom Lefroy into her life, again, turning it upside down, again. Jane was once again in love with this, now very distinguished, Irish rogue and she could not bear to leave him again.

-xxx-

"Thomas Langlois Lefroy, I do believe you are in love," Mary stated.

"Mary, please do not say that," Tom pleaded and rose from her bed and walked over to the window.

"Why not? It is the truth, is it not?" He gazed out to the night. He saw movement down by the rose garden. He squinted; there was someone out there in the moonlight. As the person turned the face to the sky and the moonlight hit the face he saw that it was Jane Austen. He recalled the feeling of having her in his arms, how close they had been to kissing and he turned back to his wife with burning face.

"I cannot…" he started but she cut him off.

"I can see it, dear, when you speak of her. It is no use in you denying it any longer. Is she out there now?" She nodded towards the window.

"Yes," he breathed with heart beating thick with longing love.

"Go to her, Tom. Convince her to stay," Mary said urgently. "I know you do not wish her to leave. You are the only one who can make her stay." Tom sat down by her side again. He kissed her cheek.

"You are an angel, you know that?"

"Yes, soon I will be," she giggled softly. "Now go to her!"

"I love you so much," said he and kissed her on the lips.

"I know, I love you too," said Mary and gazed into his eyes. "You deserve to share the rest of your life with someone great. And Miss Austen is the best I can find."

"You truly are a remarkable woman, Mary." He kissed her again and then left her.

"Good bye, my love," she whispered as the door closed behind him. "I shall never see you again."

-xxx-

Jane Austen was just about to turn back to the house when she heard footsteps behind her. She knew it was Tom without turning. No one else would be up at this late hour. She remained turned away from him until he spoke.

"Miss Austen, what did I say about wandering about alone?" asked he with a feigned lecturing tone.

"What can I say, I am progressive." She only glanced at him with a faint smile. He was standing a tad behind her with his hands in his pockets.

"So I have gathered," replied he.

"I cannot get enough of this garden," said she and gazed out over the roses, breathing in their sweet fresh scent.

"It is Mary's pride and joy," replied he.

"I thought so, such love has gone into this garden. Like with your library." She suddenly felt shy in front of him. She turned her gaze to the sky again. "The stars are remarkable bright tonight."

"So they are," he said quietly. She did not dare to meet his eyes. She could feel his gazes on her, could sense him moving closer to her. Jane remained still.

"How is your wife this evening?" she asked in an attempt to keep a clear head.

"The same," he answered hesitatingly. He was standing right behind her now; she could feel the warmth of his body. Her back tingled in anticipation. She had to restrain herself not to lean backwards and step into his arms. "Look, there is the Plough," he whispered and pointed towards the constellation of stars in the sky. Her gaze followed his pointing hand. She could feel his breath on her neck and she shivered slightly. He was so close. Would it be very wrong for her to turn and kiss him like she had done so many years ago? She did not want to follow conventions anymore.

-xxx-

Tom was standing just behind her and pointed up towards the Plough in the sky. Her gaze followed to where he was pointing and the moonlight fell on her delicate face and neck. He was so close to her, he could feel her body's warmth beam towards him. He wanted nothing more than to take that last step and let his arms close her in an embrace and never let her go again. Her neck looked invitingly pale in the moonlight and he wanted nothing more than to press his hot lips against her soft skin.

When her body shivered in the breeze he found that he could not restrain himself any longer and took the last step and tightly wrapped his arms around her. At first her body went stiff as if startled by his action, but after just a moment her body leaned towards his chest. _This is it._

"It is beautiful," she whispered.

"So are you," he whispered back. She arched her neck backwards so that her head rested on his shoulder. That was all the encouragement he needed. His lips found her neck. She shivered slightly, but did not move away. He could feel her pulse beat faster under the soft skin.

"Tom, we should not…" she objected faintly.

"Hush, Jane," he breathed against her neck. He brought his hand up to her cheek and gently forced her to turn her face towards his. He gazed into her dark eyes. His heart pounded in his chest and his breathing was quick. He swallowed and wetted his lips. His hand cradled her neck and finally his lips found hers. Softly at first, then tenderly and lastly passionately, almost desperately. Almost twenty years of yearning went in to that kiss. She turned fully towards him and her arms nestled around him in under his coat. The kiss deepened and he was completely lost in her.

-xxx-

She held on to him as if her life depended on it. The feelings she had subdued for so long bubbled up and hit her with full force and she almost forgot to breathe. Her arms found their way in under his coat and she leaned against his chest. She returned the kiss passionately. She completely forgot he was married to a wife that was dying, she forgot his children and the rest of the world disappeared. There was Tom and there was Jane. Nothing else mattered.

After what seemed like forever she gently broke free from his embrace and just gazed at him shyly, breathless and speechless. He looked back at her with eyes burning with desire.

"What… why?" she stuttered, turning away from him with burning hot cheeks and pounding heart.

"I love you," he breathed. "I need you! I cannot live without you!" he cried, taking hold of her hand and making her stay and turn to face his pleading eyes and face.

"I…" she blushed violently, unable to speak. He took her face in his other hand, caressing her cheek.

"Tell me you feel the same, that I am not imagining it." She met his begging eyes, dark as the night. She could not deny it any longer.

"Yes." His face lit up in a broad smile and he kissed her again. She entangled her hands in his hair.

"Stay with me, marry me!" he breathed against her hair. She realised that was exactly what she wanted to do. That was the reason she came to Limerick. Mary was going to have her way in the end.

"Yes, yes!" she kissed him with beating heart and body filled with uncontrollable joy. She did not know anyone could be this happy. She had only written about it and the feeling was almost too much to bear. That this could actually happen to a penniless ironic authoress, it was too much.

"Oh, Jane, I am yours! I am your heart and soul!" cried he, repeating the words that had whispered to her all those years ago. She smiled happily. "Promise me that you will never leave me again!"

"I will never leave you again, Thomas Langlois Lefroy," she breathed.

-xxx-

As soon as Tom had uttered the words 'I love you' to Jane Austen and she had accepted him, Mary Paul Lefroy's heart stopped beating and she drew her last breath knowing her family would be taken care of. Smiling she lay in her bed with her golden hair flowing over her pillow almost like a halo. Heaven had retrieved an angel.

**-TBC-**

_Only one more chapter to go, I am afraid. This story has come to its end._


	23. Mrs Lefroy is Greatly Missed

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Ok, I bend for your requests. I will try to draw it out, well actually I realised that there is some loose ends to tie up and since so many of you has been kind enough to ask for more chapters I will oblige. _

**Part ****23: In which Mrs Lefroy is greatly missed**

"You better not leave me, Miss Jane Austen," Tom Lefroy said and smiled at her in the dark. "Because I will hunt you down."

"Is that so?" she giggled playfully.

"Oh yes," he said and caressed her cheek. "Let us go tell Mary that she will have her way after all." He took her by the hand and escorted her up to the house. His heart was filled with love for her. He could not believe he had been fighting himself for all this time. Now it all felt so unreal, as if it was all a dream and that he would wake up the next day and found that nothing of this had actually happened.

He opened the door to Mary's chamber carefully as not to wake anyone else. She lay in her bed, very sweet and sleeping. Very pale, too pale, as he got closer to the bed he began to feel that something was very wrong.

"Mary?" he whispered, motioning for Jane not to follow. Mary did not stir in bed. The cover did not show any movement at all. He lounged forward and took her hand, feeling it for a pulse and when he did not find any he sank down on his knees and buried his face against her neck. "No!" he mumbled. "Mary!" Tears flowed down his cheeks as he realised that she had left him.

-xxx-

Jane stood by the door and watched the scene before her. Tom was kneeling by his dead wife's side, crying as he had realised she had left them. Her throat choked and she felt hot tears flowing down her cheeks. For only but seconds ago they had been the happiest of people. The earth had been robbed of one truly remarkable woman.

Mary lay very angelic in the bed with her golden hair spread over the pillow and a small content smile seemed to play on her pale lips. Jane could not believe she was gone. Her heart ached for the people Mary had left behind. For Tom and his children. Those poor children, without a mother.

Jane knew not what to do. Was she to comfort him or leave him to grieve? Did he want her there or did he want to be alone? She stood insecure by the door as he turned to her with tear drenched cheeks. Their eyes locked and she tried to smile encouragingly through her tears. She took a step forward and he rose and stepped into her arms, sobbing quietly against her neck. She rubbed his back gently and whispered small insignificant words of comfort. They sunk to the floor and she sat with him in her arms till dawn. He cried himself to sleep with his head in her lap. She caressed his cheeks and head and let him sleep.

But Jane was wide awake, thinking of all the matters that now had to be taken care of. The funeral, the children, the will... What was going to happen now? Was she to stay with him or go home? Should she ask her mother and Cassie to come? She needed to write them a letter in any case to inform them of Mrs Lefroy's death and when they might be expecting her home.

-xxx-

When Jane Lefroy woke that morning after her birthday she had a feeling of that something was amiss. The house was quieter than it usually was this time of the day. Millie had not even come to light the fire in her room. She rose and tip toed downstairs, she was met by a red eyed Millie who was blowing her nose.

"Millie? What is the matter?" she asked.

"Oh, Miss Jane," Millie sobbed and embraced her tightly. Jane realised that that could only mean one thing. Her mother's death. She did not want to hear it. She let herself remain in Millie's arms for a while, unable to move. Her throat was choked up and she could not utter another word. She did not know for how long they were standing there but when she heard footsteps in the staircase she broke free. She gazed up at Millie with large blue eyes that were hot from tears.

"Mamma is gone," she stated.

"Yes, Miss, I am terribly sorry, Miss," Millie whispered. "She died in her sleep."

"Where is my father?" Jane asked.

"In Mrs Lefroy's room, Miss." Jane nodded and went for her mother's chamber to see to her father. She found him in the arms of Miss Austen, crying quietly in her lap. As Jane entered the room Miss Austen looked up to meet her eyes.

"Jane, do not..." Miss Austen said meekly. She was too crying.

"I want to," Jane said and walked over to her mother's bed and just stood there in silence watching her with tears rolling down her cheeks. Her mother looked too serene and at piece, not dead at all. She bent forward to kiss her cheek. It was cold. That was when she saw something in her mother's hand. A piece of paper. "There is something in her hand, Miss Austen." Miss Austen looked up.

"There is?"

"Yes." Jane pulled it gently from her mother's grip. It was a small note in her mother hand containing one sentence and one sentence only.

"What does it say?" Miss Austen asked. Jane stared at the sentence her mother had scribbled down.

"She has written 'As I said, I will have my way'. What does that mean?" Jane looked up at Miss Austen with a puzzled face. Miss Austen's face turned slightly red before lighting up in a small smile.

"I think it is meant for me and you father," she said.

"Why?"

"Oh, nothing. Everything will be explained in due time," Miss Austen said with a mysterious smile. Jane wondered what it meant.

Her father soon rose from the floor with tear drenched face and red eyes. Jane walked over to be folded into his embrace.

"Oh, papa!" cried she.

"My dear, sweet child," he mumbled against her hair. "We must tell your brothers and sister."

"I know," she whispered back. She sobbed against his chest.

-xxx-

Tom hated to see his children sad. But he had to break the news to them before they heard it from someone else. He sought them out in the nursery and made them gather around him as he sat down on the floor.

"I am sad to tell you that your mother died last night. She died in her sleep and she did not have to suffer anymore," he said. He thought it best to tell it like it was. The younger boys stared at him with large eyes, not really understanding what he was saying. Anne started crying and Anthony looked shocked.

"May I see her?" asked Anthony. Tom thought for a while. He did not want the younger children to see her, but Anthony was old enough. Mary looked so tranquil that it should not be a problem.

"Yes, you may. She is still in her bed," said Tom. He turned to the other children, "You do not have to see her if you do not want to."

"I do not want to," Anne whispered and threw her arms around him and the young ones followed. They sobbed quietly in his lap. Anthony went to their mother's chamber. It broke Tom's heart to see his children cry.

His heart was full of emotions and he could hardly bear it. He needed to get out of the house and just breathe for a while, but he could not leave his children. Just as he thought he could not handle the sobbing anymore he heard someone enter the room. He looked up and met Jane Austen's hazel eyes. She must have seen his desperate look because she sat herself down next to him and nodded towards the door.

"I can take it from here," she whispered.

"Thank you," he whispered back and kissed her gently on the cheek while ushering over the children to her.

-xxx-

Jane Austen saw Tom's pain filled eyes and took his place with the children in the nursery. She placed little George in her lap and the rest gathered around her still weeping quietly. She felt helpless. Jane did not have any idea of what the little ones needed or craved at this moment. When her father died she had felt utterly distressed and unable to do anything at all. The family had come to a standstill. But these children, what could she do for them? It was all too new for her to have children to care for. That someone depended on her completely.

George had fallen asleep in her lap and the older children had stopped crying and started to move around the nursery looking a bit restless.

"What do you want to do now?" she asked. Three pair of dazed blue eyes turned to her. "I have to put George down, but after that we could perhaps go out for a little while? We could probably all use a little fresh air and sunshine." She tried to smile brightly. They nodded in agreement. Jane left George in his bed and ushered the other three outside.

Though it was a sad day for the Lefroy household the June day was warm and sunny. They children started to look a bit happier and the colour started to creep back on their cheeks. Jane looked for Tom but did not see him anywhere. He needed his time alone for now. Anthony and Jane soon joined their siblings outside, trying to hide their tears from their younger siblings.

"How are you holding up, Jane?" Jane asked.

"I am fine," replied she with a faint smile.

"And Anthony?" Jane turned to the eldest son.

"I will manage," replied Anthony.

"Have you seen papa, Miss Austen?" asked Jane.

"No, not since I took over for him in the nursery," replied Jane. "He probably has some things to tend to now. There are a lot of matters to tend to."

"I have to go and see to the puppies," Anthony said and took his leave. Jane Austen watched the children play for a while until she was sure they were alright for the time being. Leaving Jane in charge she went in search of their father.

-xxx-

Tom's heart was breaking. Although he had known Mary would eventually leave him, he had really not thought as far as her actually dying. The tears would not stop falling from his eyes and he did not know what to at this point. He felt he was out of control. He realised of course he had to see to the funeral and order mourning clothes for everybody and distribute the letters as promised to Mary. It was just too much. It was overwhelming. He thought of his poor children and of Miss Austen whom he had declared his love for the night before. It felt like a lifetime ago.

A quiet knock on the study door brought him back to reality.

"Tom?" came Jane's soft voice through the door.

"Yes, please come in," replied he and wiped his face. She stepped into his study and tried to smile.

"The children are fine for now. George is sleeping and the rest is outside."

"Thank you. I do not know what I would do without you," he said and walked over to her. "I miss her so much!"

"I know," Jane whispered and put her arms around him. "I know."

**-TBC-**

_It is not easy to write about weeping children. But it had to be done. _

_Please review! _


	24. Letters from Mrs Lefroy

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Oh I love getting reviews that tell me to go on and on and on! I will not say how many more chapters there are because now I do not know, especially since you keep calling for more... _

**Part ****24: In which letters from Mrs Lefroy finds their recipients **

Jane Austen found Tom in his study. It broke her heart to see him cry without knowing how to comfort him. All she could do was to be there for him and support him through this rough time that lied ahead. She knew not when they would find the time to talk about their future together. She did not want to bother him with that at the moment, but she felt so insecure of what was happening around her now.

She held him close until his sobs died out. She saw the package of letters that lay on his desk and wondered what they were. They were written with the same hand. He walked around his desk and sat down with a tired look on his face. Jane recognised the handwriting as Mary's.

"Are these from Mary?" she asked.

"Yes. She asked me to distribute them after her death. She has written a letter to each and every one of us," replied Tom with sorrowful voice.

"Is there anything I can do?" asked she.

"Just be here for us? Do not leave after the funeral." His sad eyes begged her to not leave.

"Of course, if you wish it." He looked through the letters and selected one out and held it towards her.

"This is for you," he said.

"For me?" she asked surprised.

"Yes." She took the letter and read her own name written on it.

"Would it not be more appropriate for me to leave for a while after the funeral?" she suddenly asked.

Tom rose so hastily that his chair fell over: "No! You cannot leave us! Ask your mother and sister to come here if it is them you want to see."

"May I?" Jane was surprised at that offer.

"Of course. They will be my family too eventually." He tried to smile but it looked more like a sad frown.

"Thank you, Tom. Do you know which date the funeral will be held? I do not want them to come before that."

"A week from Wednesday," replied Tom and tears filled his beautiful blue eyes once more.

"Very well, I will write to my mother and Cassandra and ask them to come after that." Jane could not help but feel happy for a moment. She was going to be Mrs Thomas Lefroy.

-xxx-

_June, 1814_

_My Dearest Tom_

_When you read this I have joined our Lord in heaven and am sitting on a cloud watching over you. Please do not be devastated. I know you will find strength and support in Miss Austen. I know that you both by now have acknowledged your love for one another. I am happy for you both. You deserve it. I wish all the best in your continued life together._

_I hope you will find a way to be as happy as you deserve to be now that you have the future ahead of you together and that a wedding is soon to be planned. Please do not cry, my dear Tom. I am happy for you. It was my time and nothing can change that. Accept that I am better off where I am now and move on with your life with Miss Austen by your side._

_I am happy to know that my family will be taken care of. It pains me to leave you, but one cannot change one's fate I am told. I have hanging on far__ too long and the last weeks have been filled with pain and it is a relief to finally say good bye to this life and go on to the next. _

_I have written a will that I am sure you found in the chest also. My belongings will be divided as I have stated in that will. But do not open that until after the funeral. The children have gotten a letter each. I am so going to miss you all. I will watch over you from heaven. Smiling down at you and the children. _

_I enclose a letter that I want the priest to read at my funeral. It will explain a lot of things and also give you and Miss Austen my blessing to marry. _

_I love you with all my heart. I will never leave your side completely. _

_Yours forever,_

_Mary Paul Lefroy_

When Tom had finished the letter he was crying whole heartedly and missing the remarkable woman he had been lucky enough to have in his life. He had not always felt as lucky, he admitted that. Arranged marriages are not easy but he had grown to love and appreciate his wife more than he or anyone could have imagined. She had blessed him with six beautiful children. And now she was gone and he was left with six children missing their mother. No, he corrected himself, he was not alone. Jane was in his life again. And this time it was till death did them part. Mary had probably been right in thinking he could not handle a life without a woman. He felt utterly lost, but thinking of Jane made the heart ache ease up a bit.

-xxx-

Jane Austen did not read her letter until after supper. It had been a very sad meal and no one seemed to have any appetite except little George who did not understand why everyone around him was so sad and quiet. Tom had given the children their letters and instructed the elder children to read to their younger siblings who had yet to learn.

_June, 1814_

_Dear Miss Jane Austen,_

_If you are reading this __it means I have finally joined our lord in heaven. I so hope that you by now have admitted to loving our Tom and that he also has come to his senses to tell you about his feelings and asked you to stay indefinitely. I am pretty sure that my will has been done. I am happy for you both and give my blessing whole heartedly. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve each other. _

_It does pain me to leave my children and husband, but my Lord has called me back and there is nothing I can do but oblige. My last weeks have been painful and I welcome death as my saviour. I cannot go on hanging on to life with bare willpower. I may be stubborn, but not that stubborn. _

_I cannot think of anyone better suited to care for my family than you. I know I ask a lot of you, but I now feel so relieved to know that you will be there for all of them. __I will miss them dearly. I have been blessed and now I turn that blessing on you. _

_I hope this letter finds you in a felicity mood and not just tears and si__ghs that follow my death. I wish the best for you and my family. I know you will manage just fine without me. _

_Yours affectionately_

_Mrs Mary Paul Lefroy_

Jane was once again struck by the selflessness this remarkable woman showed. Even when lying dying in her bed she showed that she cared for the rest of the world, when any other person would be praying for his or her own life.

Jane sat down to write a letter inviting her mother and sister to come to Limerick in two weeks time. She longed to see them and longed to give them the great news. Mrs Austen would finally have one of her daughters married well. She smiled slightly when thinking of her mother would react to the news of her daughter's upcoming marriage.

She felt guilty for feeling happy at this time of sorrow, but she could not help herself. She was the happiest woman in the world. In perhaps a year's time she would walk down the aisle married to the one man she had ever loved. She was going to have everything she had ever wanted. How could one be but happy at that prospect?

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy opened the letter from her mother with shivering hands. It felt very odd to read something she had written while she was still alive now that she had died. Yet she wanted to read what she had written to her. She had helped the younger children through their letters and was pretty sure that the content of the one written to her was similar.

_June, 1814_

_My dearest Daughter,_

_How I shall miss you and your brothers and sister and your father. It is with great pain I write this letter that I know you will read after my death. But there it is. Lord has decided my fate and there is nothing anyone can do about that. _

_Know that I love you all dearly and am at this moment, when you read this, sitting quite happily on a little cloud watching over you all. _

Jane's eyes were clouded with tears and she could hardly go on. She gazed out of her window in search of a cloud where her mother would sit, there was but one on the otherwise darkening blue sky. She smiled weakly and went back to the letter.

_It pains me to leave you all alone so early in life, but I am sure that there will be a certain lady to take care of you all. __Hopefully your father and Miss Austen has put their head strong foolishness aside and finally admitted their feelings so that you will have a new mother to love and cherish. _

_I know that you are crying now, but believe me when I say that I am better off where I am now, than lying dying in my bed. I hope you find comfort in Miss Austen and turn your love to her. I am going to be with you always. _

_I love you all!_

_Your affectionate mother,_

_Mrs Mary Paul Lefroy_

Jane threw herself on her bed and let the tears flow. She would miss her mother greatly and could not see how Miss Austen could take her place, though she loved her very much. But right now she grieved her mother.

Tomorrow she would comfort her siblings and be strong for them, but tonight she wanted to be alone in her sorrow.

**-TBC-**

_I hoped you approve of the letters from Mary. I felt like I had to include them since she had written them. _


	25. Evil Tongues Flourish

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Oh how I love your reviews! You are too kind to a humble writer... _

**Part 25: In which**** evil tongues flourish and more visitors come**

The days dragged themselves by, the Lefroy household tried go get by without the mistress of the house. But it was not easy. The funeral was coming closer. Tom had informed everybody of his wife's passing and was getting condolences from all over the country. He tried to stay strong in front of his children but at night he cried in Jane's arms. He was happy that she was there to comfort him and he did not know what he would have done if she had not been there.

"I love you so much, but I miss her," he whispered one evening as they wandered the rose garden with his heart filled with sorrow. He did not know how to go from there. He had thought everything would just work out in some way as Mary died, but now he was even more torn between the two loves of his life. He felt guilty for feeling happiness with Jane.

"I know, dear," she said and smiled through the dark. "She was a very special woman and I do not expect you to forget or stop loving her." She took his hand and squeezed it. He admired her for her patience. It must not be easy to bear the sorrow of a whole family including her own on her shoulders. She had taken Mary's plea literary and was helping him and the children out in any way she could. She was practically running the household for him, with the help of Mrs Jones and Millie of course. They had accepted her as it were.

Tom was sure these feelings of guilt would ease off eventually. Mary had given them her blessing, but already they were the talk of town. Miss Austen's presence in his house was apparently a very interesting topic in town, or at least that was what he had heard from reliable sources. He really hoped that the letter Mary wanted to be read at the funeral would shed some light on the shadows that were now cast over Miss Austen. It was mostly loose talk and gossip.

Tom tried not to listen when the servants where discussing the latest word from town. Even though they all knew that Miss Austen had been personally invited by the former mistress of the house they took an interest in what was the talk of town. Tom's rescue of Miss Austen in the rain had found its way through the tea parlours of Limerick and everyone had an opinion about that. He was a respectable member of the society and should not be a target of such titter-tatter, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He tried his best to keep the evil words from reaching the children's ears but they picked up the gossip from everywhere. He could not keep them from seeing their friends however much he wanted them to. They did not really care of what propriety and common conduct called for during the grieving period and Tom did not have the heart to tell them not to. He could not stand to see their sad little faces during supper or breakfast or any other time he happened upon them. They reminded him so much of their darling mother.

-xxx-

Jane Austen tried her best to be supportive and comforting for the family. Her own heart ached every time she saw the children's little sad faces. It was just not fair to lose a parent at such a young age. She hated to see them all dressed in black in the middle of summer, but what choice was there? Jane did not care for mourning clothes, but they had to be worn.

She could see Tom was struggling with his emotions and the preparations for the funeral and she did not seek him out, but let him come to her. She continued her writing and sought her comfort in the rose garden which had become her favourite place since it was there Tom had finally admitted to loving her. She watched over the roses and helped out the gardener with what little she knew about taking care of flowers.

She often fled outside just to get away from the servants constant discussion of the latest news from town. There was a lot of gossip about her in town from what she heard. Not much of it was true and some of it just pure evil. She tried not to let it get to her, but it hurt even though she knew it was untrue. Even if Millie and Mrs Jones knew it to be false she knew they were talking about it when she was not around. The stable boys and others found it very entertaining even if it was complete rubbish.

"Miss Austen?" Jane Lefroy called as she came out of the house and ran towards the rose garden.

"Yes, Jane?" Jane put her hand up to shadow her eyes from the sun.

"Miss Austen, there you are!" Jane could see that there was an elderly couple following her behind her. "Miss Austen, these are my grandparents, Mr and Mrs Paul," Jane Lefroy said as they met on the lawn.

"Miss Austen, what a delight to finally meet you," Mrs Paul said with a smile. Jane could see she was forcing herself to seem happy.

"Mr Paul, Mrs Paul, a pleasure," Jane said and curtseyed. She studied Mary's parents.

"Our daughter has told us all about you, Miss Austen," Mr Paul said.

"Oh, she has?" asked Jane and continued hastily: "I am so sorry for your loss. Though I only knew her for a little while she is greatly missed." Mrs Paul bent her head slightly as a thank you. Jane could see the tears that were forming in her eyes. "We should get out of this heat." Everyone was wearing black and the July sun was relentless.

"Will you take tea with us in the drawing room, Miss Austen?" Jane Lefroy asked.

"If you wish it, Jane," Jane answered and tried to read the expression on the mourning parents. What did they know of her? What had Mary told them? She was sure they had also gotten a letter from their deceased daughter.

"Please do, Miss Austen," Mrs Paul urged.

"Very well, then I shall," Jane said with a smile as she accompanied them towards the house.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was proud to introduce Miss Austen to her grandparents. They had not been able to visit sooner since they had been out of the country for a while. Her grandmother had been ill and therefore had sought out the healing powers of Bath. They had accompanied her father and her as far as to London on their journey there. London, thought Jane, felt like a life time ago. So much had happened since.

Jane wondered what her mother had told them about Miss Austen. She was not sure whether her father had sent them the letter her mother had written to them before her death. Jane had of course told them everything about the famous authoress' stay in their house. .

"So, Miss Austen, Jane tells us you are acquainted with Thomas since you were younger?" said her grandmother as Millie handed her a cup of tea.

"Yes, that is correct. Quite briefly as he visited my home county of Hampshire many, many years ago," replied Miss Austen with a slightly flushed face. Jane saw that Miss Austen did not want to venture further on that subject.

"They share the same taste in literature," said Jane.

"Oh, I see," said her grandmother.

"And you are a writer yourself as we understand it," said her grandfather.

"Yes, that is right," Miss Austen replied.

"I am afraid we are not familiar with your work, Miss Austen," her grandfather said. Jane felt slightly embarrassed of her grandparents. They had the air of being well read, but sometimes they seemed very ignorant of the world around them.

"I have told you about _Pride and Prejudice_!" cried Jane.

"But of course, silly me," exclaimed Mrs Paul with a slight blush.

"Yes, well, I have tried to remain anonymous, Mrs Paul. You could not have known," Miss Austen said gracefully.

"Our daughter was an admirer of your work, Miss Austen, I am sure," said Jane's grandfather. "She often mentioned your name in her last letters."

"Did she?" Miss Austen looked surprised.

"Oh, yes, Miss Austen. She was so happy you accepted her invitation to come here." Miss Austen looked like she wondered what else Mary had written in her letters. Jane felt curious herself but before the conversation could go on they were interrupted by the arrival of her father.

-xxx-

Tom found his mother and father in law in the drawing room taking tea with Miss Austen and his eldest daughter. They had finally arrived back in the country and he was happy to see them. He knew they were devastated to not have been able to visit before their daughter's passing. But Mrs Paul had been ill as well and unfit to make the journey back to Ireland. He knew his wife had been longing to meet them one last time, but now they only got to see her in her final rest.

"Mr and Mrs Paul, I am so glad to see you both in good health," Tom said and squeezed their hands affectionately.

"And we you, under the circumstances," said Mrs Paul with a sad smile.

"How are you holding up?" Tom asked his mother in law and eyed her with concerned eyes. She looked rather pale despite the heat.

"Oh, I have been better, but my time in Bath did me very good, indeed. But now, yes well…" Tears filled her eyes. It was not right for a parent to have to bury their child. He could see that Jane Austen looked a bit uncomfortable while conversing with his wife's parents, which was quite understandable. He had forgotten to inform her about their arrival. He did not know how much Mary had told them about Jane's presence there.

"I have something for you, from Mary, she asked me to give it to you," Tom said and handed them the letter she had written for them. He was relieved to find that the gossip that flourished in town had not reached the ears of Mary's parents. For that he was thankful. He did not want them to judge Jane based on false rumours. Since they would continue to be in their life he wanted them to be acquainted with Jane without any assumptions based on evil tongues.

His mother in law read the letter and handed it over to her husband without a word. He read it through and then looked up with queering eyes at Tom.

"Perhaps we should discuss the content of this letter in private, Thomas," said Mr Paul with a concerned look on his face.

"I think so too," agreed Mrs Paul and glanced hastily at Jane.

"We could use my study. Miss Austen, if you will excuse us?"

Jane stood up; "But of course! It was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Paul, Mr Paul." Jane curtseyed and the courtesy was returned by the Pauls who hastily followed Tom outside.

"This way, if you please," he said and ushered them towards his study.

**-TBC-**

_How am I doing in __prolonging it? Great, I hope... _


	26. Mary, What Have You Done?

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: I'm sorry this chapter took a little longer to be finished, but a lot is happening in my life at the moment. Keep the reviews coming, I love them! _

**Part 26****: In which Mary's dying wish is the topic of conversation**

_**July 1814**_

"I am sure there is nothing to worry about," said Jane Lefroy to Miss Austen as they watched her father leave the room with her grandparents. Miss Austen however did not look convinced.

"You are probably right," replied Miss Austen at length and tried to smile. Jane wondered what her mother had written in that letter that had upset her grandparents so. By the look of the glances at Miss Austen, Jane suspected her mother had written about her wish for Miss Austen to take her place as her father's wife.

Jane was sure her mother's will would be done eventually. After the appropriate amount of time and mourning she was sure Miss Austen would stand as her father's bride. She had noticed how they were often found together in deep conversation. Her father seemed to seek her out more often than before. She supposed Miss Austen was the only one who could comfort him.

"I better go see to my siblings," Jane said and rose.

"Yes," Miss Austen replied with a faint smile as she rose as well. Jane watched as Miss Austen left the room with heavy steps. She so hoped that everything would turn out for the best and that her grandparents saw how much Miss Austen was needed in their life. Jane promised herself to try to show that to them during their stay.

Her younger brothers had really started to rely on Miss Austen and went to her for comfort rather than their older sisters and brother. Miss Austen was the one that turned their beds and tucked them in at night and also the one that greeted them at the breakfast table every morning. She had really stepped in as their surrogate mother. Where their father had been absent Miss Austen had been present. For that Jane was glad. She did not know how she would have gotten through the last week if it had not been for Miss Austen.

-xxx-

Tom watched Mary's parents cautiously. He suspected that Mary had written about her want for him to marry Miss Austen in her letter to them. He could well understand their shocked faces. He hoped that they would not be too hard on him. They seemed to like Jane well enough at least. He could not imagine what was going through their head at that moment.

He led them into his study and sat down behind his desk after showing them the two chairs in front of the desk.

"Are you aware of what our daughter is suggesting in her letter?" started Mr Paul and turned his dark blue eyes to Tom. Mr Paul had a stern look on his face.

"I have a hunch," Tom said with a forced smile.

"Do you intend to honour her wishes?" Mr Paul demanded to know. Tom wondered what his father in law wanted to hear. Either way his answer would show disrespect to his late wife.

"You have not promised Miss Austen anything, I am sure," stated Mrs Paul. Tom sighed.

"Mary asked Miss Austen to come here to take care of me and the family after she was gone," replied Tom. He could hear Mrs Paul's shocked gasp for air."It was her dying wish, no?"

"And you intend to take Miss Austen as your wife?" Mr Paul's eyes had gone cold.

"How can I deny Mary's her dying wish?" Tom looked haplessly at Mary's parents.

"Have you no regard for our daughter?" Mrs Paul sobbed.

"You know I have nothing but the highest regard for Mary!" cried Tom heatedly. "And believe me when I say I tried to make her change her mind. But she would not listen. I told her how inappropriate it would be." He felt the tears burn in his eyes. He could not believe they dared question his love for their daughter.

"Where does Miss Austen stand in all this? I am sure she is much too sensible to fall for a dying woman's wishes?" said Mrs Paul.

"I cannot answer for Miss Austen, you will have to ask her yourself," Tom sighed. What ever he said now it was sounding wrong as soon as the words left his mouth. He was confused and sad over the fact that Mary's parents took Mary's dying wish so lightly.

"Are you marrying Miss Austen?" Mrs Paul demanded to know. Tom felt a tear slipping down his cheek.

"Yes," he whispered meekly. The Pauls' eyes dilated in shock. "Mary asked me to. She wanted me to marry Miss Austen." He heard how meek it sounded as soon as the words left his mouth. "It has nothing to do for my disregard or me not loving Mary. I do love Mary with all my heart! I am honouring her dying wish. Why cannot you see I do it in regard for her?" he begged them to understand.

"And Miss Austen? She has accepted?" Mr Paul said with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Yes, she has accepted me."

"You cannot be serious," Mrs Paul cried.

"It is not as if we are getting married by the morrow!" cried Tom. "We will wait the appropriate amount of time of course. I can promise you that neither I nor Miss Austen means any disrespect to Mary in any way."

"Were you and Miss Austen romantically involved when you were young?" This was starting to feel like an interrogation.

"Yes," sighed Tom. He was getting more and more distress by the thought of Mary's parents not approving of their own daughter's final wish. He did not want to be disrespectful against them, but this was his house and Mary had been his wife. He would do as she had wished him to do and there was nothing her parents could do or say to make him change his mind.

"And these, feelings, have now risen again?" Mr Paul asked uncomfortably.

"Yes," replied Tom.

-xxx-

Jane Austen paced her room restlessly, round and round. Mary's parents had looked completely shocked after reading their daughter's letter. She had been sure they had liked her before reading the letter. Now she was not as certain. She was sure Mary had written about her wanting Tom to marry her, and she was equally certain that Mary's parents did not approve at all. Jane hoped that Tom could talk some sense into them or at least make them understand. She could not bear to lose him, not again, not like this.

Jane had foolishly thought that everything would sort itself out without any troubles or questions. She had let the dream of a happily married life with Tom cloud her sensible side. Of course there would be talk. There were already rumours about her actually killing poor Mrs Lefroy for her own benefit. There would be even more talk after the funeral when Mary's letter had been read.

Once again she began thinking of leaving. She did not know how she would cope with all the talk she knew would flourish. Her only comfort was the thought of her mother and sister's arrival next week. She wished Eliza and Henry could join them also, but two family members were more than enough. She so hoped her mother would finally approve of Tom. Her reputation was not in danger this time. But Jane was starting to fear that Tom's reputation was on the line this time.

-xxx-

Tom stared at Mary's parents.

"I am afraid there is nothing you can do or say to make me change my mind," he said resolutely. "I was forced to give Miss Austen up once in favour of your daughter. I chose Mary. Now Mary has given me and Miss Austen another chance along with her blessing and I will not give Miss Austen up this time. I hope that, in time, you will come to understand and love Miss Austen as I and my children already do." The look on his face showed his parents in law that it was no use in discussing the matter further. His mind had been set.

Mr and Mrs Paul exchanged looks and sighed dejectedly.

"I am sorry to say that we cannot stay here as long as _she_ is in this house," Mr Paul spat out the word 'she' as if it was something distasteful.

"I am sorry you feel that way," replied Tom harshly. "Your grandchildren will be devastated to hear you are leaving so soon."

"Oh, they are welcome to stay with us any time, perhaps very soon," said Mrs Paul coolly and rose. "We will see you at the funeral. Good day, Mr Lefroy." She took her husband's arm and left Tom's study.

Tom let out a sigh of relief. He could not imagine that they would be so against him following the wishes of their only child. He would have thought they would respect him for that.

"Oh, Mary, look what you have done!" cried Tom to the empty room.

-xxx-

Jane heard the aggravated raised voices from down stairs. She opened her door slightly. Mr and Mrs Paul were obviously not happy with the outcome of their conversation with Tom.

"Fetch our carriage, Jones," snapped Mr Paul to the servant. "We are leaving this instance!"

"Should not we say goodbye to the children?" Mrs Paul asked.

"I am sure Thomas will explain."

"But I have not even had the chance to meet them all," objected Mrs Paul.

"It cannot be helped, Jane. I will not stay another minute in this house of sin!" Jane gasped and clasped a hand over her mouth. Their conversation with Tom had gone terribly wrong indeed. What they must think of her. _House of sin?_

"Jeffry!" cried his wife. "I am sure it is nothing like that. Thomas is a respectable man. He would never..." Their voices trailed off as they exited the house. Jane closed her door as carefully as she had opened it and sat down on her bed feeling disheartened. Tom had obviously stood up and defended their love and his decision to honour Mary's dying wish. Only her parents did not seem to share this notion of honouring the dead.

"Oh, Mary, look what you have done!" Jane sighed to the empty room.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy came out of the stables just as her grandparents sat up in their carriage. She could see that they were not satisfied with their meeting with her father and it saddened her immensely.

"Are you leaving so soon?" she cried and ran over to them.

"Yes, I am sorry," said her grandmother with heated cheeks. "Your grandfather has just remembered that he was needed in town." Jane knew she was lying. She wondered why she would lie to her.

"Oh, I see. Will you return later then?" she asked innocently.

"No, I am sorry, Jane. But we will see you at the funeral," her grandfather promised with a forced smile.

"Yes, I will see you then," replied Jane and tried to look satisfied with the answer. But inside she was confused. What had gone so wrong? Why did they have to leave when they had just arrived after a long time abroad?

"Give our love to your brothers and sister," her grandmother called as they carriage started rolling.

"And Miss Austen I am sure?" Jane called back. Her grandmother's face darkened and she pursed her lips in a look of dismay. Then they were too far for Jane to hear any reply, though she was sure there was not any. She sighed. Her father and grandparents had been arguing over Miss Austen, she was sure. They did not approve that was obvious.

"Oh mamma, what have you done?" she sighed.

**-TBC-**

_Oh how will it end? Will they reconcile? Stay tuned for the next chapter... Same channel next week.  
_


	27. Departure Makes People Think

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Again, sorry for the delay. I have experienced a slight writers block. _

**Part 27****: In which the Pauls' departure makes people think**

Tom was still in his study just sitting down when his daughter came to sought him out to tell him to come for dinner.

"Is everything alright, papa?" she asked and looked at him with concerned large blue eyes.

"Yes, everything is fine, Jane," he said, then continued: "Well, no they are not. We will not have the pleasure of your grandparents company, I am afraid."

"I thought as much, grandmamma looked very vexed indeed as they left."

"I am sure she did," Tom said with a small smile. He had always admired Mary's parents, but this time they had gone too far.

"I am confused, though," said his daughter.

"Why is that?"

"They seemed to like Miss Austen well enough before mamma's letter. They said that mamma had written about her and so on." Jane's face was turned into a frown of confusion. Tom wondered vacantly how much she understood of what had happened between him and her grandparents. She was sometimes too clever for her own good.

"How do you know it is regarding Miss Austen? And, Jane, do not fret yourself about that. They are in mourning and in those times people say things they do not intend to. You have to remember that they have lost a daughter. I am sure everything will be sorted," said Tom and added 'eventually' under his breath. He followed his daughter out of his study.

-xxx-

Jane Austen had not seen Tom since Mr and Mrs Paul had followed him to his study. She had thought he would come and seek her out, but he had not. She was slightly worried about him. Mr and Mrs Paul had not seemed happy at all when they left. A soft knock on the door brought her back. She rose and smoothed out the creases on her black dress and called 'enter'. She wished it would be Tom's dark head that peeked around the door, but it was not, it was Millie telling her that dinner would be served in five minutes.

"Thank you, Millie," Jane said with a forced smile.

"Mr and Mrs Paul left again, Miss Austen, so it will be just the family as usual."

"I see," replied Jane. Millie looked like she wanted to say something else, but she held her tongue. "I will be down shortly." Millie curtseyed and left the room. Jane glanced at the mirror and put a few locks of hair that had fallen out of their restraints back in their place. She thought she looked tired. She tried to smile at her reflection but it looked more like a frown. She cursed her self for being so naïve. Then again, everything would probably work out for the best in the end. She had to believe that their love would conquer all.

-xxx-

Tom was eagerly awaiting Jane's entrance into the dining room. It felt like he had not seen her in days and now he longed to gaze upon her delicate countenance. He just wished the funeral was over so that they could concentrate on themselves without people talking behind their backs.

When Jane finally entered the room he was sure she looked paler than usual. He was sure there was something on her mind, but now was not the time to talk about it. _Only a few more days_, he reminded himself. Then everything would hopefully sort itself out. He was meeting with the minister the next day to discuss matters regarding the sermon. He knew it was uncommon that any personal words be read in church. But that was the way Mary had wanted it and Tom intended to honour every last one of her wishes.

Tom wanted to jump up and just whisk Jane into his arms and hold her and never let her go again. He wanted to whisper that everything was going to be alright. Presently he was uncertain of what the future held for them. He was sure that everything would be sorted eventually, but at what cost? Were they coming out alive at the other end, or was their love not enough? A cold knot formed in his stomach and he forced himself to smile encouragingly at his family and Jane.

"Miss Austen," said he and rose to pull the chair out for her.

"Mr Lefroy," replied she with the smallest hint of a smile in her delicate face.

"I am sorry to inform you that Mary's parents had to leave us in a hurry," said Tom as he sat down in his chair again.

"That is bad news, indeed," replied Jane gravely. He noticed how her face had gone slightly darker.

"Yes, Mr Paul recalled an engagement they had," Tom said vaguely. "We will see them at the funeral again."

"I thought as much," Jane said. She looked down and concentrated on the food on her plate. Tom thought it looked like she was only moving the pieces around. He glanced around at the children, who also looked deep in thought and their little faces that this morning had lit up with happy anticipation were now solemn. The children had been looking forward to meet their grandparents for a long time. Now they would not get to spend time with them because their father was honouring their mother's last wish. He hoped his own father would understand his decision.

Tom's parents had married for love against the will of his mother's family. Tom had always admired them and had looked at their very happy marriage as a role model for what he had looked for in life. They had been very happy together with or without money. He remembered his childhood's bright summers, all the Lefroy children running around as free as they wanted. His parents loving them and giving them a good start in life with healthy values. He loved his large family. Then judge Langlois, his mother's brother, had come and whisked him away to London as his charge.

His thoughts went to his brother Anthony who had been brave enough to marry the woman he loved. Which had resulted in his uncle's withdraw of his funds. Anthony had not cared. He found ways to support his little family. Tom sometimes wished he had been as brave.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy saw that both her father and Miss Austen were very distant. Miss Austen did not eat anything but pushed the pieces of food around her plate. Over and over again. Jane wondered if she knew why her grandparents had left. Jane had not said anything to the younger children but Anthony had understood what had happened as he saw their grandparents take a very hasty leave, without as much as a goodbye to anyone else than Jane. If Jane had not happened to be around no one other than their father had known what had happened or why they had left. She recalled the stern look on their faces and felt utterly sad that they had left. She found it even sadder that they had been in such a hurry that they had not had the time to say goodbye to the rest of the children. Jane herself hated being the bringer of bad news. But none of the other children had asked.

She hated that her grandparents were so narrow-minded. She suspected that they knew nothing of love. She was sure their marriage had been arranged by their parents. And although they had grown attached to each other, Jane could not see any love in their gazes upon the other. Her parents had also been forced together but Jane saw how much they had loved each other. Of that she was sure.

She wondered why her grandparents had not given Miss Austen a chance. Hopefully they would see the affection she showed their grandchildren at the funeral and come to their senses. She dearly hoped that they wanted the family to be happy after her mother's passing. Life had to go on, no matter how sad everything was right now. This was what her mother had wanted for them. And as her father intended to honour her wishes so did Jane.

-xxx-

Jane Austen had no appetite after what she had heard earlier. She thought of what Mary's parents must think of her to call the house a house of sin. But there was no sin in the house. Everything was perfectly innocent. And what had happened was under the blessing of the former mistress of the house. Jane wondered what sort of parents did not want to honour the wishes of their beloved child.

All Jane wanted was to talk to Tom about it, but this was not the place. The children were quieter than usual, and Jane knew it to be because of their grandparent's hasty departure. They had been talking about their arrival for days, and now they came and left before even saying good bye. She wondered what sort of people the Pauls' were. Not too caring, she imagined. They had after all put their own daughter out on the marriage market without even considering what she wanted. Mary had said that she had not been too hard to persuade into liking Tom. Jane could easily understand that. Tom was very charming and such an amiable person on closer acquaintance.

Her parents had married for love. She loved them for it, and even though her mother had been trying to get her to marry various rich suitors, Jane had always wanted to have what her parents had. Even if money would be short. She would rather love and starve than eat well and not love at all. She wondered what her mother would say to her upcoming marriage to Tom. She hoped she would at last approve of him and recognise the happiness it would bring.

Jane longed for the funeral to be over. Then perhaps everything would start to go back what they used to, or at least they would not have to worry about what people said about them. It was only a few more days. Then they could focus on the rest of their life together.

**-TBC-**

_Next on _I Remember Love_, a funeral and more visitors. _


	28. Mrs Lefroy is Buried

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __**Firstly;**__ this chapter took a bit longer to write since I had to do some research regarding the funeral service and what that entails. If you still find things that you think are odd or not suitable for the period, I will call it artistic freedom. I have used the Book of Common Prayer as a starting point, using the section called _'At the burial of the dead'_. __**Secondly;**__ someone pointed out that Jane Austen dies in 1817. Perhaps more of you out there are worried that our heroine will die as she did in real life. But no, do not worry, my dears. In my AU-fic Jane Austen will not die. If she were to die the whole idea of my story is kind of wasted. Mary took Jane's place in heaven. Tom is not to be left again. _

**Part 28****: In which Mrs Mary Paul Lefroy is buried**

"You are aware, of course, of how highly unconventional it is for someone to read a letter during a funeral?" said Mr O'Reilly, the priest, to Tom the next day.

"I am aware of that. But I intend to honour my wife's wishes. I know you are aware of that there has been talk of Miss Austen and why she is presently in my house. This letter will clear her of any accusations," replied Tom sternly.

"Well then, in this particular case I will make an exception. But only because Mrs Lefroy asked me in person last time I spoke to her," the priest said.

"I am much obliged, Mr O'Reilly," said Tom with a slight bow of the head.

"May I read the letter before the sermon?" asked Mr O'Reilly.

"Of course," replied Tom. "I brought it with me to leave with you." Tom handed him Mary's letter.

"You have not read it?" Mr O'Reilly looked surprised to find the letter unopened.

"Mary asked me not to."

"I see."

"Is there anything else you need from me, Mr O'Reilly?" asked Tom. He was eager to leave and return to his family.

"No, I think that is all I need from you at this point, sir," the priest replied with a mild smile. Tom rose and shook his hand.

"Thank you for doing this for me and for Mary, Mr O'Reilly," Tom said.

"That is what I am here for, Mr Lefroy," said the priest and looked at Tom with reassuring brown eyes. Tom felt safe and trusted the man completely. Mr O'Reilly had been visiting Mary several times the weeks before her passing. He would know what she wanted if Tom did not.

-xxx-

"How did it go with the priest, Tom?" asked Jane Austen as she met him in the vestibule.

"Very well. He was most obliging," replied Tom with a relieved smile.

"Oh, good." Jane felt a bit of the tension that had been building up inside ease off. She longed for him to take her in his arms and hold her. Since Mary's parents short visit they had not been alone together at all. It was like a silent agreement between them that they remained cautious until after the funeral. Even if they knew how completely innocent their relationship was the rest of the village did not. The Pauls' hasty departure and sour faces had only caused more gossip to flourish. Jane could not believe some of the things people came up with. But as long they were talking about her she could handle it. She was not the first scandalized authoress in history. But when it came to Tom… She did not want him to be treated ill because of her.

"What are you thinking of, Jane?" Tom's voice woke her up from the dark thoughts.

"Oh, nothing, Tom," she replied and tried to smile reassuringly.

"I do not believe you. I have seen that face before. Are you worried, my dear?" Jane met his queering blue eyes.

"Only a little bit," she admitted. He took her hand and pressed it affectionately.

"I am sure everything will be fine after the funeral," said Tom.

"I wish I could be as certain," said Jane with a faint smile.

"I am sure Mary's letter will work wonders," said Tom.

-xxx-

Tom hated the worried look on Jane's face. It reminded him of the way she had looked at the inn before she left him. He knew she would not leave him again but he was still worried about her. Her eyes shone dark in her pale face. He could see that all the talk, how false it may be, was getting to her. He squeezed her hand once more and smiled encouragingly.

"I am sure Mary's letter will work wonders," said he. A small smile crept onto her face.

"Let us pray for that," said Jane and pressed his hand. He could see that some of the tension was wearing off. It gladdened him. He wanted to see her smiling and be happy.

"We shall conquer this," he smiled and brought her hand up to his lips to brush it gently with his lips.

-xxx-

The day of the funeral finally came. The day was gray and the rain hung midair as if the heavens would open its doors at any given moment. The church had been decorated with all of Mary's favourite flowers. Tom was happy to see so many friends and acquaintances there. It seemed as if all of Limerick had come to see Mary off to her final resting place. She had been very well liked in the county, helped out wherever she could, helping the poor and so on.

Mary's parents stood by the entrance to the church and shook hands with mourners showing their respect. Tom felt himself shrink at the sight of them. He met Mr Paul's ice blue gaze and looked away. He had not let them in on the part where Mary's letter was to be read during the service. They had no idea. He looked around in search of Jane Austen. She stood a bit to the side with the children around her.

All the Lefroy children were present but little George, who Tom had thought too young to attend the funeral. Jane smiled encouragingly and Tom returned it shakily. He was so glad that she was there to share this day with him. She was a support for both him and his children. He did not know how they would have survived without her by their side.

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder and brought him back to reality. He looked to his side and found his father standing next to him.

"Father!" Tom was happy to see him. He had been very helpful in the planning of the funeral, even though he had not been able to join them until this day.

"How are you, son?" His father's eyes shone brightly.

"As well as expected, I guess," replied Tom and pressed his father's hand affectionately.

"I know how you feel. I still miss your mother to this day," said his father and his blue eyes went sad.

"So do I." Tom walked slowly over to Jane and his children. "Father, there is someone I want you to meet."

"Is there?" Mr Lefroy looked at him.

"Yes," said Tom as he stopped in front of Jane. "May I present Miss Jane Austen? Miss Austen, this is my father, Mr Lefroy."

"A pleasure," said Jane with a curtsy.

"Indeed," replied Mr Lefroy with a quizzically look at Jane and then at Tom. Tom had no time to explain the connection further as the bell rang and it was time to enter the church. Tom and his father escorted his family inside. They were to enter last with Mary's parents. He could see the Pauls' disapproving glances towards Jane Austen, but Tom would not let them have their way. Mary had told him exactly how she had wanted it. Jane Austen was to be at Tom's side from this day forward.

It was with heavy steps and lowered heads the Lefroys, Pauls and Jane Austen entered the church to be seated in the front rows. Tom sat down with Anthony, Jane and Anne on his side and the Pauls seated themselves at the far end of that row, while Jane Austen, Mr Lefroy, Thomas and Jeffry seated themselves on the row behind them.

When all was seated the priest and the clerks walked down the aisle and the priest spoke: "'I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die'," Mr O'Reilly reached the altar and turned around to look at the congregation with mild brown eyes. "'I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth. And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another.'

"'We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. The Lord give and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'."

Tom let his mind wander vacantly as the first psalm was read. His eyes constantly fell on the coffin in the middle of the church, in front of the priest. In there lay his beloved wife. A tear freed itself from his eyelashes and rolled down his cheek. He could hear stifled sobs from all over the church. He took hold of his eldest daughter's hand and pressed it. He wanted it to be Jane Austen's hand but she was sitting on the row behind him with his father.

Another psalm was sung and soon Mary's letter was to be read. Tom felt a slight nervous flutter in his stomach. He was a bit anxious about the reactions the letter would bring. He expected the worst. But he was to stand tall and not budge. He knew Mary's parents would object, probably not out loud but with their eyes. And especially, they would voice their opinion after the sermon. He knew he could count on his father's support as well as Jane Austen's. His children would also stand by him. _This is for you, Mary!_ Tom lifted his eyes to the ceiling when the psalm was sung. _This is it._

"Before the lesson I have been asked by Mr and Mrs Lefroy that a letter from Mrs Lefroy be read," begun Mr O'Reilly. Tom could hear the congregation's ill-hidden gasps. "We are all aware of how unconventional this may be, but it was Mrs Lefroy's wish that the letter was read during her funeral." Mr O'Reilly looked out over the people in the church. "This is what Mrs Lefroy wrote in her letter, I will read it as it is written:

_'Dear Sirs and Madams,_

_To begin with I want to assure you all that when I write this letter I am in full clarity and as sane as I have ever was. My life is now running away from me and when this letter is read I am no longer with you. I have asked both my husband and Mr O'Reilly to make sure this letter is read at my funeral. _

_I would like to take this opportunity, when I have everyone's unabated attention, to make my last wish known to the world. _

_By now I am sure some of you have received a letter from me. They were written just before I started writing this letter. This is not an easy task I assure you, but I believe I must explain my last wish and some of my recent actions. _

_As you all know I have invited an old acquaintance of my husband's to our house, a certain Miss Austen. My daughter met her briefly in London and found her vastly interesting and indeed an old close friend of her father's. Both Jane and my husband are admirers of Miss Austen's work, as am I. She is an authoress, I might add, of what, I will not tell you since she still wishes to remain anonymous._

_It was my intention to make the old feelings between Miss Austen and my husband recur. I know the whole story of what happened just before and around Tom and mine engagement. In some way I feel I stole Tom from Miss Austen. Tom chose me; or rather Miss Austen made that choice for him. She let him choose the right path and not bring ruin to his family. For that I respect her immensely, it must have taken all her will power to leave the man she loved. I know she loves Tom as much as I do. And it is my last wish that they be together this time. Forever. In my last will and testament I leave Miss Austen my husband. _

_This has nothing to do with anybody else. No one has influenced me in any way. This is all my doing. This is what I want for my family. _

_Do not think ill of Miss Austen. She travelled from England under the pretence that she was to meet a dying admirer who wanted nothing else to meet her before she died. _

_Do not think ill of my sweet husband, Mr Tom Lefroy, he knew nothing of my match making scheme before Miss Austen arrived. They both tried to talk me out of the notion. Kept on telling my how highly inappropriate it was. But I knew my will was going to be done in the end. _

_All I want is for my family to be safe and in good hands. I do not wish for my children to grow up without a woman in their life. Female guidance for young women is essential, and I do not want them to grow up with several governesses that come and go. Miss Austen was my choice for my family. I know she will fill my shoes perfectly. I know that since I know for a fact we are the same size. _(This brought on nervous laughter from the congregation.)

_Tom and Miss Jane Austen, you hereby have my blessing. _

_Mr Barrington, our physician, can verify that I wrote this letter by myself and most willingly without anyone else in the room._

_This, Sirs and Madams, is my final wish. I want Tom to marry Miss Austen as soon as propriety finds it acceptable._

_God bless you all._

_Mrs Mary Lefroy.'_ And that is what was in the letter," Mr O'Reilly finished and folded the sheets of papers. The church was dead silent. Nobody even stirred in their seats. Tom did not dare move his head to catch a glance of Mary's parents' expression. He knew they were in shock. Tom himself was shocked over how openly Mary had described her wishes and why. His daughter squeezed his hand encouragingly.

-xxx-

Jane Austen sat frozen. She had known Mary's letter would be read, but she had never expected what it would contain. There was in no way she could have even dreamed of Mary's openness and almost naive wish for her family's happiness and that everyone would think that her wish was to be followed.

Would that letter make the gossip end or flourish even more? Jane believed the latter to be more correct. At least the letter showed her innocence in the whole affair as well as Tom's. She discreetly glanced over at the Pauls and found them staring at the priest with blank eyes and mouths wide open in disbelief. _Serves them right. House of sin, indeed._

Now everybody knew she and Tom had Mary's blessing. Jane could not concentrate on the lesson Mr O'Reilly held. Her thoughts wandered back and forth through a dark forest of worries and dreams.

She was brought back to reality when Tom, Mr Lefroy, Anthony and Mr Paul rose to carry the coffin outside to the graveyard. The two clerks helped them. Tom and Mr Paul were in front, Anthony and Mr Lefroy in the middle and the clerks at the back. Mr O'Reilly led the procession outside and the rest of the congregation followed.

As the coffin was made ready to be laid into the earth the priest spoke: "Man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay." The participants placed themselves around the coffin and the hole in the ground. Mr O'Reilly stood in front of the coffin. He continued: "In the midst of life we are in death: of whom may we seek for succour, but of thee O Lord, who for our since art justly displeased? Yet, O Lord God most holy, O Lord most mighty, O holy and most merciful Saviour, deliver us not into the bitter pains of eternal death. Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts; shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer; but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty, O holy and merciful Saviour, thou most worthy Judge eternal, suffer us not, at our last hour, for any pains of death, to fall from thee." One of the clerks took a small spade and handed it to Tom for him to use to cast earth upon the coffin. Mr O'Reilly continued: "Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God of his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear sister here departed, we therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; who shall change our vile body, that it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself." Jane felt tears roll down her cheeks and she grabbed hold of Thomas and Jeffry who stood next to her. They leaned towards her and she could hear their sniffles.

Everybody voiced in: "I heard a voice from heaven, saying unto me, Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead which die in the Lord: even so saith the Spirit; for they rest from their labours."

Mr O'Reilly started: "Lord, have mercy upon us." And the congregation repeated: "Christ, have mercy upon us." Mr O'Reilly repeated his sentence and then all joined in the Lord's Prayer.

"Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; But deliver us from evil. Amen." Jane closed her eyes. The tears kept on running down her cheeks.

"Almighty God, with whom do live the spirits of them that depart hence in the Lord, and with whom the souls of the faithful, after they are delivered from the burden of flesh, are in joy and felicity; We give thee hearty thanks, for that it hath pleased thee to deliver this our sister out of the miseries of this sinful world; beseeching thee, that it may please thee, of thy gracious goodness, shortly to accomplish the number of thine elect, and to hasten thy kingdom; that we, with all those that are departed in the true faith of thy holy Name, may have our perfect consummation and bliss, both in body and soul, in thy eternal and everlasting glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." Mary's coffin was lowered into the earth. Jane let the single rose she was holding sail down onto the coffin. Mr O'Reilly read the collect, but Jane did not hear another word. All she could think of was the extraordinary woman who lay in that coffin. The world had truly lost one of their saints.

As the coffin found the bottom of the deep hole the heavens opened its restraints and let the world know how they grieved. Jane turned her face to the sky and let the soft rain cool off the hotness of her tear drenched face.

**-TBC-**

_I hope I gave Mary the send off she deserves... _


	29. Put to the Test

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __Again I have used The Book of Common Prayer. After this I can finally focus on the more happy side of this story. _

**Part 28****: In which Jane Austen is put to the test  
**

Mr O'Reilly read the collect as the coffin containing Mrs Lefroy was lowered into the ground: "O merciful God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who is the resurrection and the life; in whom whosoever believeth shall live, though he die; and whosever liveth, and believeth in him, shall not die eternally; who also hath taught us, by his holy Apostle Saint Paul, not to be sorry, as men without hope, for them that sleep in him; We meekly beseech thee, O Father, to raise us from the death of sin unto the life of righteousness; that, when we shall depart this life, we may rest in him, as our hope is this our sister doth; and that, at the general Resurrection in the least day, we may be found acceptable in thy sight; and receive that blessing, which thy well-beloved Son shall then pronounce to all that love and fear thee, saying, Come, ye blessed children of my Father, receive the kingdom prepared for you from the beginning of the world: Grant this, we beseech thee, O merciful Father, through Jesus Christ, our Mediator and Redeemer. Amen."

Tom watched the coffin with his beloved wife disappear down the dark hole in the ground. The rose he had been holding fell down on the coffin. Soft raindrops fell on his lowered head. Mary, his beloved wife, was gone and the heavens wept with him. Around him the sobs got louder and his daughters leaned against his frame.

"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost, be with us all evermore. Amen."

The funeral was over. Tom felt utterly drained of energy. He did not know how to continue on with the tea that was to be had in the rectory. He was not sure that he would be able to face all the questions and curious looks that were inevitable coming. Mary's letter had hopefully done its work. Everybody knew that he and Jane had her blessing to marry. She had even left Jane him in her will.

Tom had no idea how to get through the reception, but he had to matter what. He had to stand up for Mary's wishes, for his family and Jane Austen. He braced himself for what was inevitably to come. He had to stand up for what he believed.

He could feel the burning gazes from Mary's parents. They disliked surprises and this one had been large. They would probably skin him alive if they could. Tom knew not what to say to them now. Now at least it was made public that Mary wanted him to marry Jane. Hopefully the gossip would stop now. They could now focus on the rest of their life together.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was completely exhausted. She had no more tears to cry. The whole ordeal was just too much for a twelve year old. Her mother was gone. Just when her mother's coffin was disappearing into the dark hole of the ground and it started raining, she felt totally and utterly alone in the world. She had turned to her father for support. Had he not been nearby she would have fallen to the ground in pure despair.

She knew her mother's letter had caused a lot of different reactions, but it was not until she saw her grandparent's dark faces she truly understood. Her father had not told them about that the letter was going to be read. Seeing them now, Jane realised it had been for the best. Had they been asked about it they would surely have objected. Her mother's last wish obviously meant nothing to her grandparents. She could not believe how little they seemed to care. They seemed to blame Miss Austen for everything. The person who was in the least responsible for anything. It had been all her mother's doing. But it was the family she left behind who had to deal with the consequences.

Jane hoped they would all get through it in one piece. She doubted that anyone but her grandparents would dare question the letter. She could see that they tried to remain calm. Not wishing to make a spectacle of their daughter's funeral.

-xxx-

Jane Austen did not dare meet any of the eyes that were constantly glancing curiously at her. She tried to remain calm and composed though her inside was in chaos. She kept her head high as they entered the rectory. The rain had stopped and the sun was peeking out from behind the clouds.

Mrs O'Reilly had, with the help of Mrs Jones, set the tables in the garden. Tea was to be had. Biscuits and cakes were placed throughout the tables, which was decorated with fresh flowers. Mary would have been pleased to see that it was not a completely sad day after all. She would not have wanted it all to be gloomy She would have wanted them to cherish the good memories of a living Mary. She had been a good natured person with a happy disposition and that was how she was to be remembered.

Jane was sad that she had not got to know the lady better before she passed. She also regretted their last discussion. All those harsh words she had uttered. There was nothing she could do about it now though. Mary had gotten the final word and her wish was coming true.

Jane smiled slightly and turned towards Tom. He caught her smile and winked at her. Her heart was filled with love for the gentleman that was now seating himself on the other side of the table where she was standing. Suddenly it felt as if everything was going to be fine. Their love would conquer all obstacles. Nobody could stand in their way.

So far none of the present had come forward to talk to Jane or Tom. The Pauls sat grim looking on the other side of the rectory's garden. Nobody dared be caught in their way. It was obvious to all who was there that they did not accept their daughter's action. They sat alone at their table since no one dared be seated next to them. Jane was sure they would not apologise, but for their grandchildren's sake she hoped they would come to their senses.

"Miss Austen?" said a deep voice behind her. She turned and found Tom's father standing behind her.

"Mr Lefroy," replied Jane with a puzzled face.

"Might I have a word?"

"Of course," said Jane and shot Tom a confused glance, but he smiled encouragingly back.

"Perhaps Miss Austen would indulge me for a walk?" Mr Lefroy said and offered her his arm.

"That would be delightful, Mr Lefroy," replied Jane and took his arm. They walked out of the garden in thoughtful silence. Jane wondered what Mr Lefroy could want to talk to her about. They walked quite the distance in silence.

At length Mr Lefroy spoke: "I wanted to be out of hearing distance, Miss Austen." Jane looked up at him. She must have looked anxious because he continued: "Oh, there is nothing to worry about, Miss Austen. I just wanted to be closer acquainted with the lady who is to be my son's wife." Jane relaxed.

"Oh, I see. There is not much to know, sir."

"I believe there is, Miss Austen. From what I have heard I find you most intriguing," said Mr Lefroy with a smile that made him look young and very much like his son. Jane knew not what to say to that.

"Indeed?" was all she mustered.

"My grandchildren adore you, so does my son. I remember him mentioning you even when he was young; he talked about a dark eyed Hampshire lass once. I believe it must have been you, Miss Austen." Jane was a bit shocked to hear that Tom had mentioned her to his parents, even all those years ago.

"I see," was all she could say.

"Even my daughter in law thought the world of you," continued Mr Lefroy. "May I ask you something, Miss Austen?

"Anything you want, Mr Lefroy," replied Jane.

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you choose not to stay with my son?" His eyes showed honest curiosity.

"I..." Jane hesitated, she knew not where to start.

"You loved him, no?"

"Yes, I did love him. But our love would not have survived if it meant bringing ruin to your family. I know you depended on Tom's help, and without the support of his uncle, well... I could not let that happen," Jane said sincerely. "One cannot live on love alone, no matter how deeply one feel."

"True," admitted Mr Lefroy.

"I did not want to be the ruin of Tom's career," continued Jane. "There have been many times when I have regretted my choice. But I know it was for the best."

"And now Mrs Lefroy has given you a second chance," said Mr Lefroy. "Will love survive this time, Miss Austen?"

"I believe it will, Mr Lefroy," said Jane with a shy smile and flushed cheeks.

"I think so too. You both deserve it," said Mr Lefroy. "You have my blessing, Miss Austen."

"Thank you, Mr Lefroy," said Jane with a bow of the head.

"Shall we turn back?"

"Yes, I think that people will have started wondering where we are, Mr Lefroy."

-xxx-

Tom watched as his father and Jane entered the garden again. They both looked content. He knew his father would find Jane worthy. He wondered what they had been talking about since they had been gone quite some time. He decided to ask Jane about it later.

"What a lovely sermon, Mr Lefroy," said the lady next to him.

"I am glad you found it to your liking, Mrs Donaldson," replied Tom.

"Quite refreshing, I thought," the white haired lady smiled.

"Indeed," added her husband.

"We are so sorry for your loss, Mr Lefroy. Mrs Lefroy will be so missed," said another gentleman, a Mr Charleston. Tom nodded.

"But we see you have a worthy successor to take care of you, Mr Lefroy" chuckled his wife. Tom smiled and glanced at Jane.

"Indeed I do," said Tom. He was happy to see that so many of his friends and acquaintances found the funeral and Mary's letter to their liking. He had also gotten remarks on how suitable Jane seemed to be and what a great asset to the society she would be. They were quite intrigued by the fact that she was a writer. The fact that Mary had given her consent went a long way of course. Tom felt more relaxed now than he had for a very long time.

Jane was to be his wife. Nobody could stop them now. Not even the Pauls. He hoped for his children's sake that they would come to their senses, but he would not bet on it. He could see their unhappy faces on the other side of the garden. They grew grimmer for every word of encouragement his guests brought him. Tom could not care less. They could leave whenever they pleased. Nobody forced them to stay.

Right now he longed to be alone with Jane, to hold her, knowing that it was now for the rest of their life. The reception could not finish soon enough. Jane helped Mrs O'Reilly and Mrs Jones to clear the tables when the last of the participants left.

The light July night found Tom and Jane in the garden.

"It was a very lovely funeral, Tom. Mary would have been so pleased," Jane said.

"I think so too, Jane," said Tom with a sigh. "I am glad it is over and done with. I was so worried."

"I know," said Jane.

"But the only ones that did not accept it was Mary's parents. And I, honestly, could not care less," snorted Tom. His former parents in law had not uttered a word to him, not even a polite goodbye as they left.

"I am sorry, Tom."

"I think I can manage. Soon I will have a new mother in law," he smiled.

"True, well, my mother can be a handful," chuckled Jane.

"I remember. Do you look forward to her stay here?"

"Very, but most of all I long to see Cassandra." Tom took her hand and pressed it before bringing it up to his lips.

"I know, dearest." The word came out on its own, without thought. It felt right. Jane looked up at him with large dark eyes. "I have something for you." Tom reached into his pocket and brought out a small box.

"You should not have..."

"Shh," Tom cut her off. He opened the box and brought out a delicate golden necklace. He held it up for her to see. On the chain a small golden heart hanged.

"Tom!" Jane breathed. "It is beautiful."

"It is just a small token of my love." She turned to allow him to fasten the necklace around her neck.

"I love it," Jane said and turned back to him. He smiled. It suited her perfectly, simple as it was.

"Nothing can ever take you away from me again," he murmured and took the last step forward and folded her in his arms, pressing his lips against hers.

**-TBC-**

_So__, on with the love story! I love your reviews..._


	30. Jane has Visitors

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __Again I apologise for the delay. But as it is I'm pregnant with my first child (pardon my over revealing nature…), and well, my mind has been preoccupied with that lately. I'm afraid this chapter will be shorter than usual, but I wanted to have it out before going on holiday. _

**Part 30: In which**** Jane has visitors**

"Mother! Cassandra!" Jane shouted as she hurried out of the house to greet them.

"Oh, Jane!" cried her mother. "What a journey! My poor bones!" Jane helped her mother out of the carriage she had sent with Jones to pick them up.

"Cassandra," Jane smiled at her elder sister and embraced her tightly.

"I have missed you," whispered Cassandra.

"And I you," said Jane. "Let me show you to your rooms." Jane ushered the ladies inside and showed them to their rooms which were situated close to hers, both facing the garden. Not even her mother could deny the beauty of the place.

Jane hoped her mother would be pleased with what she saw since it would be Jane's home forever more.

"Lovely," murmured Mrs Austen as she inspected the view from her windows.

"Is it not?" agreed Jane.

"So, when do I get to meet him?" Mrs Austen turned her gray eyes to Jane's, frowning slightly. She had never really gotten over Jane's choice not to marry Mr Wisley.

"At supper, he had some business to attend to," replied Jane calmly. "But the children will join us for tea in the garden whenever you are ready, mother." Her mother seemed satisfied with that answer.

"I will wash up and then join you in the garden," said Mrs Austen.

"I will tell Millie to prepare for tea," said Jane and quitted the room. She was happy to run into Millie just outside her mother's room. She quickly asked her to prepare for tea in the garden and then went to her sister's room. "Tea will be ready in about half an hour," she said and sat down on the bed.

"Good, I am parched. All that dust on the road," said Cassandra.

"You sound like our mother," scolded Jane.

"I am sorry," smiled Cassandra. "But the journey here was not an easy one."

"I know. Oh, Cassie, how I have missed you! There is so much to tell!" Jane's hand flew up to the necklace around her neck.

"Is that new?" asked Cassandra as she eyed the necklace.

"What?" Jane looked down. She had not realised she was playing with the little heart. "Oh, this?"

"Yes, dear Jane, what else do you have that is new?" Cassandra asked with a sly smile.

"Tom gave me this after the funeral," replied Jane with a shy smile and colouring cheeks.

"It is lovely," said Cassandra and admired the necklace. "Suits you very well indeed. He has impeccable taste."

"Indeed he has," said Jane with even more colour on her cheeks.

"You love him as much as before," stated Cassandra.

"I must confess that the old feelings came back quite rapidly after my arrival here."

"I thought as much," said Cassandra. "And now you are engaged to be married?"

"Yes, as soon as propriety allows us to be wed, we will," smiled Jane.

"I am happy for you, sister."

"Thank you. I just wish everyone could be as happy as me." Jane pressed her sister's hand.

"It was very kind of Mr Lefroy to let you invite us here so soon after his wife's burial," said Cassandra.

"He was the one who suggested that you came. I missed you terribly and would have gone home otherwise," said Jane.

"And he would not let you go, of course," said Cassandra, smiling.

"Something like that," admitted Jane. "Shall we go and get us some tea now, sister?" Jane rose.

"Yes, I am starving," agreed Cassandra.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy studied the two visitors as she sat with them for tea. Her father was busy with something and would not join them until later that evening. Mrs Austen and Miss Austen looked quite different from Miss Jane Austen. They were both fairer in the complexion with soft grey eyes while Miss Jane Austen was dark. The elder sister seemed to have a more serious disposition and not as outgoing as her younger sister.

When Jane looked at her own siblings she could see a strong resemblance between them. If a stranger was to walk by he would directly see that they were related. But the Austen sisters were each other's opposites, not only in looks, but in mind too.

Jane turned her eyes to the white haired lady who was to be her new grandmother. Mrs Austen had aged well, but the loss of her husband was written in the lines of her face. She did not, however, seem too pleased to be there. Jane wondered if Mrs Austen disapproved of her daughter's choice to rush to an old friend's wife's death bed. She vacantly played with the thought of Mrs Bennet's character being based off Mrs Austen. Time would tell.

"You are quiet today, Jane," said Miss Jane Austen suddenly, turning her dark eyes to her. Jane realised that her brothers and sister were all chatting away with the newcomers, while she had been deep in reflexion. Her sister Anne had taken to Miss Austen very fast after it was clear they both enjoyed sketching.

"I'm sorry, Miss Austen," said Jane at length. "I have a lot on my mind." She smiled apologetically. Everything was different now when her mother was actually buried. Her father was slowly beginning to show his affections for Miss Austen openly. He seemed more at ease now that everybody knew they had his late wife's blessing. Jane knew how much the mindless gossip from town affected her father and Miss Austen. It had bothered herself as well even though she knew the truth. The thing that bothered Jane the most was that her grandparents had not been heard from since the funeral. Jane had decided not to be the one who took the first step to reconciliation. If they wanted contact they had to make the effort themselves.

Jane had been very offended by the inconsiderate way they had behaved during the funeral. She was still astonished to find them so bigoted. She quickly decided not to dwell on such dark thoughts any longer.

Her father seemed happy, as did Miss Austen. Jane sometimes caught them smiling longingly at each other, holding hands or deep in whispering conversation when they thought no one was around. Oh, how she longed to be at the receiving end of one of those loving smiles.

-xxx-

Tom had made himself scarce during the day with the excuse of having some business to attend to. Of course there were things for him to do, but nothing that urgent. He had wanted for Jane to receive her mother and sister without him present. He knew how much she had been missing them. Letters could only do so much.

To be honest, he was a bit nervous to meet Jane's mother. He suspected she was not thrilled to be there. He knew she had been working against him in the past. Jane's family mattered to her and Tom wanted to be on good terms with his future mother in law. He planned to ask Mrs Austen for Jane's hand in marriage since Mr Austen had passed away. He truly hoped Mrs Austen would give her blessing. Surely she would find him worthy this time. Then there was Jane's brother, Henry, Tom's old friend who he had not heard from for years before meeting him in London. Perhaps Mr Austen and his wife could be persuaded to visit. Tom wanted to do this the right way for Jane's sake. It was all for her.

His father had no objections toward the lady in question. He had found her most interesting. Tom was glad. He had not doubted his father's approval. He was quite sure his father would have given his blessing even back in the day if it had not been for judge Langlois.

The days following the funeral had been spent in quiet reflexion. Not much had been said. Tom had sought comfort in Jane. Now that everything was out in the open they did not have to hide their affection anymore. A few villagers had actually come to offer apologies for believing the evil gossip of the town. Mary's letter had set things straight. The only ones that had not been heard from, which were not really to be expected, were Mary's parents. Tom really did not want them influencing his children and without and apology they would not be seeing their grandchildren any time soon.

A soft knock on his study door brought him back from the dark thoughts.

"Come," he called and rose from his chair, hoping to see Jane's dark head peer around the door. But it was Millie's blond head that informed him that it was supper time. He nodded and smiled.

"Are our guests settling in?" asked Tom.

"Oh yes, sir," replied Millie.

"Good," said Tom. "Tell them I shall join them presently, Millie." Millie curtseyed and left Tom to himself. He smoothed out his unruly hair, still as thick as it had been since he was young. He shot an eye at the looking-glass and decided he looked well enough to be introduced to his future mother in law. He smiled at his reflexion. Tom was not worried. Jane was to be his wife. Her mother had to see what kind of life he could offer her daughter.

**-TBC-**

_I'll do my best to write during my holiday! _


	31. Tom Impresses His Future Mother in Law

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __With my mp3-player filled with love songs, lying in a little cabin by a lake in Sweden, this is what came out... _

**Part 31****: In which Tom impresses his future mother in law**

"Master will join you shortly, Miss Austen," said Millie as she entered the drawing room with a tray of refreshments.

"Thank you, Millie," said Jane Austen. For some reason she felt nervous. Even though her mother could do nothing but admire the house that was to be her daughter's new home, Jane could only hope for her mother to be civil. Her mother had not entirely forgiven her for not marrying Mr Wisley.

Her stomach fluttered and she took a sip of the sherry Millie had offered her. Again she felt like a little girl waiting for the love of her life. Having her mother's blessing was important to her, but there was really nothing anyone could say to change Jane's mind. For once in her life she would not listen to what other people had to say. She had made her decision long ago. This time she was not turning her back on love.

She really did hope that her mother would see that this was the life she wanted for herself. This time around the money was not an issue. Tom would have no trouble providing for her and their family and she could continue her writing. There was really nothing her mother could have to object.

She heard his footsteps in the hallway and her face instantly coloured as she turned her eyes to the doorway, blushing as a little girl. Unknowingly she held her breath and her stomach fluttered. And there he was, filling the doorframe with his stature. Everybody's eyes turned to him. Jane did not dare glance at her mother, but kept her eyes on the man she loved with all her heart.

"Mrs Austen, Miss Austen, I am so pleased that you have come," Tom said as he hurried over to take their hands. Jane released her breath. Her mother smiled pleasantly. Perhaps the old age had softened her harsh opinions of the man in front of her.

"The pleasure is all mine, Mr Lefroy," said Mrs Austen and curtseyed. "I am so sorry for your loss." Tom nodded and shot a hasty glance at Jane who only smiled back. Her mother showed her good side. Jane crossed her fingers and said a silent prayer that her mother would continue to be on her good behaviour all evening and throughout her stay at the house. Tom smiled broadly at his future mother in law.

"How do you like your room, Mrs Austen?" inquired Tom.

"Oh, very well, indeed, Mr Lefroy," said Mrs Austen, looking truly bedazzled by the man in front of her. Jane felt proud and began to relax. Her mother would be charmed indeed.

"And I hope your room, Miss Austen, also is to your liking?" said Tom and turned his eyes towards Cassandra.

"Oh yes, very," replied Cassandra. Before anything else could be said, Mrs Jones entered and declared that dinner was served.

Tom gallantry offered Mrs Austen his arm with the words: "Mrs Austen, allow me." Mrs Austen raised a questioning eyebrow but took the arm Tom offered and let him lead her to the dining room while Jane escorted her sister.

"Tom is really making mother feel welcome," whispered Cassandra.

"Yes, he wants to make a good impression on you both and make you feel at home," whispered Jane back. She was happy to see the impressed expression on her mother's face as they entered the dining room where the large table was set for four. Mary's exquisite taste had made the room bright and cheerful, not as dark and dull some dining rooms could be. Perhaps that is what happens when a female is allowed to do as she pleases. There was nothing Jane wanted to change about the room.

-xxx-

Tom escorted Mrs Austen to the table and seated her next to himself, opposite Miss Cassandra Austen. Jane was seated opposite himself. The nervous flutter in his stomach was starting to calm down. Mrs Austen seemed pleased with everything. Tom wanted her to see how much he cared for her daughter and how much it meant to him that Mrs Austen was pleased with him and the life he could offer Jane. Mrs Austen just had to see that.

He glanced over at Jane who sat opposite himself and he caught her smiling eyes. He felt himself light up at the loving look she was sending him. He felt fairly sure of this being a sight he would see many a times again. His feelings for Jane grew with each day that went by. He still could not believe Mary for being so right about everything. She must have had a sixth sense. Tom sent her a loving thought as he cut the meat on his plate.

Conversation around the table was slowly increasing as Jane asked about news from Hampshire and her brothers and their families. Nothing special had happened since she left.

"Perhaps you could write Mr Austen and his wife for a visit, Jane?" Tom said when Cassandra said Jane's brother Henry had been asking about her when they last visited Chawton.

"That is a brilliant idea," said Mrs Austen with a pleased smile and Tom felt completely sure Mrs Austen would have no objections towards his marriage to Jane.

"Good, that is settled then," smiled Tom contentedly.

"Are you sure, Tom?" Jane asked with a puzzled face.

"Of course, I have not heard from Henry since London. And I could use some male company," chuckled Tom. Jane sent him a queering glance and Tom's smile grew wider, assuring her it was now settled. He would not take no for an answer. He needed to ask Henry a very important question.

"I will write Henry and Eliza first thing in the morning, then," said Jane with a smile. Tom felt relieved that everything seemed to go their way now. At last everything was going to be fine.

They finished their dinner and retired to the drawing room for a nightcap.

"Would a stroll in the garden be too much to ask?" asked Tom as the drinks were finished. He had decided not to ask Mrs Austen for Jane's hand tonight, but tomorrow. He had to find her alone.

"I think Cassandra and I will retire," replied Mrs Austen with a small smile. "But I am sure Jane would not mind." Tom saw Jane's astonished glance at her mother and smiled mischievously.

"Miss Austen?" Tom held out his arm. "Would you mind accompany me into the garden before retiring for the evening?"

"How chivalrous of you, Mr Lefroy," said Jane with a slightly mocking tone and a smile but took his arm. "It would be delightful with a stroll before bed."

"Good night Mrs Austen, Miss Austen," said Tom and bowed his head as he escorted Jane outside.

-xxx-

Mrs Austen stood some time by the windows looking down at the couple strolling in the garden. She had to admit that Mr Lefroy impressed her. Jane looked happier than she had in a very long time. He had grown into a very considerate and caring man, who could well provide for her daughter. He was not the rascal he used to be when he was young. He had a good reputation and a fine line of work. Jane would never have to depend on herself again. The fact that Mr Lefroy had offered to invite Henry and Eliza had proven he really cared for Jane and her wellbeing as well as her family. She would really be well off here. Mrs Austen was not blind to the love they showed for each other. Who was she to stand in their way this time? Everybody deserved a second chance, even an Irish rogue. And Mr Lefroy's late wife had given her blessing and left her husband to Jane in her will. Mrs Austen had seen in Jane's eyes that there was nothing she could say to make Jane change her mind. Jane was not taking no for an answer this time around. When the time came for Mr Lefroy to ask for her daughter's hand she would willingly give her blessing.

Needless to say Mrs Austen was pleased with what she saw. Perhaps the mansion was a bit small for all the parties she could imagine throwing here. But surely Mr Lefroy could see that they would need to seek another house when the family grew. It was not too late for Jane to bare a child. Mrs Austen smiled. Another grandchild would be a blessing indeed. And Jane's to that. She had never thought either of her daughters would marry. Cassandra had not looked after another man since Mr Fowle died, and it saddened Mrs Austen. She wanted to see her children happy. Only then she could be happy herself. Lately she had found that she was living through her children and their families.

It was times like these she missed her late husband the most. He had been the love of her life and even though money had been wanting most of the time, life had treated them well. But she had wanted better for her children. She still had not completely forgiven Jane for not marrying Mr Wisley, which would have given her a life of complete financial independence. But Jane was too headstrong for that and since love was lacking Mr Wisley was not the man for her. She had always gone her own way. Truth to be told, Mrs Austen was proud of her daughter's accomplishments as an authoress. She would never admit that to her face though.

As the loving two came back towards the house, Mrs Austen crept into bed with a content smile on her lips. At least one of her daughters would be married well.

-xxx-

"I believe you have charmed my mother," said Jane and squeezed Tom's hand affectionately.

"I must admit I was nervous before she came," replied Tom. "But she seems more forgiving now than she did when we were young."

"Yes, I wonder what made her change," pondered Jane. She was happy that her mother seemed inclined to approve of her future husband. Perhaps her mother had finally understood that love was the greatest gift of all and would survive even without money.

"I am sure you know best, but I am sure she recognises that I can provide for you now, unlike I could in the past."

"True," admitted Jane, but surely money could not be all. Her mother had grown softer after her father died. The loss of her husband had left her heartbroken. Perhaps that made it easier for her to relate to Jane and Cassandra's heartache. Her father had been the only man in her mother's life.

Jane gazed out over the garden and towards the descending sun. The last rays warmed her face and she felt at ease. Her mother would approve. Tom's arm circled around her waist and she leaned towards him, resting her chin against his chest. Jane felt she could stand like that forever and be perfectly satisfied.

"I am beginning to think we need a bigger house," said Tom suddenly.

"Why?"

"If we are to provide housing for your brothers, sister and mother, there is simply not enough space here."

"We do not have to invite them all at once," Jane remarked softly. "What about your siblings? Do not they come and visit?"

"They live closer, only an hour away at the most. They do not have to spend the night as your relatives must." Jane had not thought of that. "Also I want you to feel like it is your house. You can decorate and move furniture to your liking."

"You will have to stay in charge of the library. It will be a shame to leave this one," said Jane.

"There are too many memories here. I would not mind start afresh someplace new with you, my dear." Tom placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"We will have to ask the children as well. They have friends here."

"Of course. I have to yet to find the perfect place for us," said Tom. Jane turned fully towards him and met his eyes.

"We do not have to move unless you really want to, Tom. I like it here. The garden especially," she said sincerely. She did not know if she would manage to duplicate this garden she had grown so fond of.

"I want to, Jane," he assured her. "We can plan everything together. The garden especially, since we are both fond of walking in it." Jane gazed into his eyes, searching for something, but found only a pair of loving blue eyes looking back at her. A smile crept onto her face.

"I would like that," said she and stepped a bit closer and let her arms find their way around his waist. "I would like that very much."

**-TBC-**

_Thank you for all your congrats on my pregnancy. Yes I was selfish enough not to say anything until now. I'm only in week 15..._

_As always it is your reviews that keep me going. _


	32. Tom Asks a Very Important Question

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __I seriously do not have any excuse for being so late with this chapter, other than it has been a lovely vacation with lots of sunshine and needs to be outside, instead of inside in front of my computer. And it seems my muse thought it good to take a vacation too. _

**Part 32****: In which Tom asks a very important question**

Tom woke up with a smile on his face and stretched out contentedly like a cat. The curtains could not completely keep the sunshine out of the room. There had not been a drop of rain since Mary's funeral. The Irish summer showed itself at its best.

Tom blinked as a ray of light fell on his face.

"Another beautiful day. A good day to begin the rest of my life," said Tom and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Today was the day he was going to ask Mrs Austen for her daughter's hand in marriage. Funnily enough he felt a bit nervous, even though he knew Mrs Austen could have nothing to object. He was a wealthy, respectable man, a sane mother could not object to such a prospect for her daughter. And Tom was pretty sure Mrs Austen was sane.

He walked over to his windows and peeked out as he was not yet dressed. The sun drenched lawn glittered with dew. He smiled. This was going to be the beginning of something beautiful. Tom dressed quickly and went to see if anyone else was up. He doubted it, because it was quite early, but Jane was usually an early riser. A look at the clock in the vestibule told him that it might be a bit early even for her; it was only five in the morning.

Tom wondered why he had woken up so early. It must be the jitters in his stomach and the prospect of asking for Jane's hand today. That would make any man in love rise early with anticipation of what was to come. He chuckled to himself.

"Master, you are up early," said Millie who came from her room in the far end of the house, on her way to the kitchen. Mr and Mrs Jones did not sleep in the house, but had a small cottage on the estate. Mille was the one in charge of the kitchen in the morning until Mrs Jones arrived.

"Yes, it seems that I am, Millie," replied Tom with a wide smile.

"Anything in particular, that is happening today, sir?" asked Millie with a knowing smile. That girl was too nosy for her own good, but she had been with the family since she was little and Tom had not the heart to let her go. She did a very good job, but had some troubles in knowing her place.

"Millie, do you not have something else to do?" asked Tom with a fatherly smile.

"Of course, sir, right away, sir," said Millie with colouring cheeks and hurried off into the kitchen. Soon Tom could hear her moving pots around on the stove, preparing for breakfast. The others would not rise for another hour or so and Tom decided to take a stroll in the garden to calm himself down. It always had a soothing effect on him.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was also an early riser this particular morning in July. The sun that stole its way in between her curtains hurried her out of bed and into her frock. Unlike her siblings she took after her father in most aspects but unlike him enjoyed a quiet stroll outside in solitude before the rest of the family rose. So much had happened in the past month that she had started to write it down in a journal. A stroll in the garden helped her clear her mind and focus on what she wanted to write down. Lately she had mostly been writing about Miss Austen and the effect her acquaintance with the family had had. Of course her mother's death had been a subject she had been writing a lot about. She missed her terribly. But the future did not seem as dark as it had for a month or so ago. Miss Austen was in their life and had brought with her a new family to love.

Jane did not miss her grandparents that much. There had still been no explanation or apology from them. Not even a letter to their grandchildren. Jane admitted that she was astounded by their behaviour. She would not have thought it of them. But there it was, and she was not the one who was going to seek out them again. Just as good, thought Jane to herself. She had a new grandmother now. Deep in thoughts she went outside. She let the crisp air fill her lounges.

The newcomers were as easy to love as Miss Austen. Even though Miss Cassandra Austen was not as lively as her younger sister, Jane found that she was a very good listener, and had a good hand with the younger children. It was a shame she did not have any of her own. The visitors brought a welcome change from the dull days that had followed the funeral. The days seemed much brighter these days, as did the future.

The voice of her father woke her up from reflexion and she looked up, startled. She had thought she was the only one awake.

"Papa!" cried she. "You startled me. I thought I was alone." She was still surprised to see him so early in the morning. Miss Austen's time in the house had brought some changes to her father's routines.

"As did I," said her father with a mild smile. "But that does not mean that the company is unwelcome."

"Not at all," smiled Jane. She did not mind his company. In fact, she thought it too long since they had had some time alone.

"How do you like our guests?" asked her father.

"Very much," replied Jane. "It is good to have something else to think about."

"Yes, company tends to have that effect, especially new acquaintances."

"Indeed." Jane realised she was short in her answer, but had really nothing else to say to that.

"Are you alright, Jane?" asked her father. "With the funeral, the upcoming wedding and all, I mean?" Jane watched her father. He looked very anxious.

"Yes, I am fine. I mean, I miss mamma, but I have more people to love now," replied she and meant it. Her mother would always stay in her heart, and she could now care for the newcomers in her life.

"Good, good. I am glad, because, I am asking Mrs Austen for Miss Austen's hand today," said her father, clearly relieved.

"I am sure she could have nothing to object."

"Let us pray for that," replied her father with a shaky smile. Jane had grown used to see this other side of his father. She liked it, he seemed younger. She was happy that Miss Austen had come into their life.

-xxx-

Jane Austen smiled contentedly as she lazily opened her eyes. Everything had gone so well the night before and her mother seemed pleased with what she had seen. She had even almost pushed Jane into taking an evening stroll with Tom. Her mother was truly changed in how she behaved towards Tom and it made Jane very happy.

She sat up and remembered her promise to write her brother and Eliza, inviting them to visit. She was sure she had shocked them all with her uncharacteristic behaviour, but Eliza's letter never implied anything or asked for an explanation. She had no idea of what her mother and sister had said to their friends and relatives, but she was sure only the closest family knew the whole truth. She really did not mind. Soon everybody would know anyway.

She let out a laugh and jumped out of bed and sat down at the table after opening the curtains to let the daylight in. Behind the curtains the sun shone bright and was in tune with Jane's mood this morning. Life could not be better. She started to write her letter to Henry and Eliza.

A quarter of an hour later she was finished and dressed. She hastily sealed the letter and went in search of Jones. In the foyer she almost got knocked over by Millie who was hurrying from the kitchen in direction of the breakfast room with a tray in her hand.

"Oh, I am terrible sorry, Miss!" cried the maid.

"It is quite alright," said Jane and brushed off the drops of water that had landed on her gown.

"Everyone seems to be up early this morning," said Millie with an amused smile as she straightened the things on the tray.

"Really?" Jane cocked an eyebrow.

"Oh yes, Master and Miss Jane has already been outside and are now waiting for breakfast."

"Have you seen Jones at all?" asked Jane as she felt her stomach grumble in response to the word 'breakfast'.

"I believe he is out in the stables, Miss," replied Millie and continued when noticing the letter in Jane's hand, "but if it is regarding the letter, just put it on the tray over there and I will tell him," she nodded and then with an apologetic curtsey she hurried off to the breakfast room. Jane put the letter on the tray Millie had pointed at.

Vacantly she thought of all the times she ha dreamed of and put herself by Tom's side as his wife, the mistress of his house, the mother of his children. Now she was there, well on her way of becoming all that. The only thing that was missing was children of her own. She realised of course that the chance of her bearing children at her age was slim to none, but she could not help but dream and hope. She wanted to give Tom a child. Their child, a product of their love.

She shook the image of her holding her firstborn in her arms and Tom sitting next to her, looking lovingly down at the little bundle, off. Tom already had six children. For the first time she felt life had slipped away from her. The life that two months ago had seemed perfectly satisfactory, now felt complicated and filled with new desires and dreams.

-xxx-

Tom looked towards the door as he heard Jane's footsteps come down the hallway. Millie had informed him that Miss Austen also was up and about. He smiled as she stepped through the door. She looked remarkable well this morning. Her face had a certain glow to it that he had not seen since they were young. The hazel eyes that met his shone with warmth and love.

She sat down next to him and smiled.

"I see you are a morning person nowadays, Mr Lefroy," said she.

"Yes, so it seems," replied Tom with a crooked smile. "And, apparently, so is my daughter." Tom threw a glance at his daughter on the other side of the table.

"It must be something in the air," said Jane Lefroy philosophically.

"Indeed," said Jane Austen. "I must say the Limerick air has done me remarkable well. Much better than Bath." Tom raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes," smiled Jane. "Cannot be compared at all. And the company is so much better here." Tom's heart skipped a beat and he smiled at her.

"Well, I cannot argue with that," said he and put in a spoonful of porridge. Soon the other children came to join them and there was no more time for talk. He could not wait for Mrs Austen to appear so that he could show her his library and there ask for Jane's hand. He had never thought he would ask Mrs Austen that question. But there he was, preparing to ask her.

Mrs Austen and Miss Austen were late down to breakfast.

"I trust you have slept well?" asked Tom as he served them tea.

"Yes, thank you, very well," replied both of them.

"I thought you would be interested in seeing the library after breakfast, Mrs Austen," said Tom. Mrs Austen's eyes widened as she understood the full meaning of that sentence.

"I would love to," said she.

"I know Jane, I mean, Miss Austen, wants to show Miss Cassandra Austen the garden," Tom added.

"Yes," said Jane Austen.

"I have been looking forward to a walk," said Cassandra Austen with an amused smile. Tom realised he must have sounded very anxious for Mrs Austen to approve and understand why he wanted to show her the library.

"Good, good."

-xxx-

Jane Austen tried hard to hide her smile as Tom asked her mother to join him in the library. The meaning of the question was only too clear. She was happy that Tom was going to ask her mother properly. Even though her mother really had no say in the matter, and her mother was aware of that, it was the right thing to do.

She could not remember the last time she felt so utterly happy and contented with her life. She had always accepted her faith as an unmarried authoress. That was all she had ever wanted anyway. To write and to be able to live by her pen. She had new dreams now.

Not even the children could mistake the meaning in Tom's anxious question to Mrs Austen. At least not the older ones. Jane could see them exchange looks before asking to be excused. She knew they had already given Tom their consent. Now it was Jane's family's turn.

Jane took Cassandra outside to the sunshine and the sanctuary of the garden. The children were scattered around the premises and enjoying themselves.

"You do approve, Cassie?" Jane asked with an anxious voice.

"Of course I do," replied Cassandra and took hold of her hands. "Anyone who sees you together cannot help but see the love between you. And the life he can offer you…" Cassandra trailed off as she gazed out over the grounds surrounding the estate.

"It is more than anyone could hope for," concluded Jane.

"Yes," replied Cassandra and smiled at her sister. "I have not seen you looking so well in a very long time, sister."

"It must be something in the air," said Jane with a mysterious smile.

-xxx-

Tom repeated silently in his head what he was going to say as he and Mrs Austen made their way to the library. The closer they got the more nervous he became.

"Here we are then," said he and opened the door to the library. He caught a glimpse of Mrs Austen's astounded face. He had seen the same expression on many a visitor. Despite being a very masculine room it had also a very warm and welcoming air to it. If the garden had been Mary's pride and joy, this was Tom's. He had put in a lot of time and effort in finding suitable novels and rare editions.

"Mr Austen would have liked this library," said Mrs Austen with an admiring look. "We never could afford a splendid library. George loved books." Mrs Austen sent him a sad smile.

"I believe Miss Austen has inherited that love."

"Oh yes, Jane always had her nose in a book when she was young." The smile on her face brightened and got happier.

"I guess you must have guessed why I have asked you to come here," started Tom and turned to Mrs Austen. The smile she gave him told him he had nothing to fear. "You must see the life I can offer your daughter."

"Yes, Mr Lefroy. I can see that Jane will be well looked after here," said Mrs Austen. "Perhaps a bigger house would be in order." Tom smiled at the suggestive tone in her voice.

"I have started inquiring after another estate," said he. "Do we have your blessing?" His blue eyes met her grey.

"Not that it really matters, you two have already made up your mind," smiled Mrs Austen. "But it is nice to be asked all the same. Yes you have my blessing."

**-TBC-**

_Ok, so now I need inspiration. How do I continue? What do you want to read about? Shall I fast forward or do you want to see Henry and Eliza?_


	33. They're Planning for the Future

**I ****Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __Thank you for all your input. I hope I have satisfied most of your opinions. _

**Part 33****: In which they start to plan for the future**

_**July 1814**_

"Is it safe for me to come in?" Jane asked as she peeked in around the library door after seeing her mother leave the room. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would explode in her chest and she could scarcely breathe. This was the moment they had been waiting for.

"Yes, Jane," smiled Tom. He came towards her and took her in his arms and just held her close. In that moment Jane knew everything was going to be fine. Her mother had given her blessing and nobody could really have anything to say about their upcoming marriage now. Jane let out a sigh of relief and joy.

"I guess my mother did not object?" she asked teasingly as she stepped out of his embrace and gazed into his eyes.

"Who could say no to this face?" said Tom with a self confident smile. "Any sane mother would jump to a prospect of leaving her daughter in the hands of the likes of me."

"A bit smug, are we?" said Jane with cocked eyebrow and mocking tone. His eyes glittered with amusement and she felt her heart melt over and over again. It was almost too good to be true. She almost feared she would wake up from this wonderful dream and realise that was just what it was, a dream.

"Well, can you say no to this face?" asked he with sincere blue eyes.

Jane pretended to think long and hard on her answer. Long enough to make Tom shrug a bit with uneasiness. "Of course not, Mr Lefroy, you always was a charmer." Tom looked considerable relieved by her statement and took her hand and kissed it.

"I am glad, Miss Austen, that you will have me for the rest of our life." Jane could not believe he still could make her heart flutter after all these years.

"There is nowhere else I would rather be, than by your side," said she and drew him closer to her. "I love you."

"And I love you." The two statements were sealed with a kiss.

-xxx-

_**December 1814**_

"I have found the perfect place for us!" beamed Tom as he rushed into the library where Jane was sitting writing. She was deeply concentrated and barely heard him. She was soon finished with the novel she had started that summer.

"What is that, dear?" asked she and looked up from the sheet of paper she had been writing on. Henry and Eliza had brought with them her beloved writing case her father had given her when she turned seven when they visited in late July. The visit had been truly fruitful and Henry had of course not had anything to object in his old friend marrying his sister after making sure Tom's intentions were pure and the affection between them was mutual. Since Henry and Eliza had brought their two children it stood clear that a larger house was indeed wanted.

"I have found the perfect place for us," repeated Tom as he sat down next to her. His eyes sparkled with excitement. Jane was once again hit with how handsome he was. She longed to pull her hands through his unruly hair that never seemed to be able to stay in place. She longed to be his lawfully wedded wife and to be able to share his bed. Summer could not come soon enough.

"That is wonderful news!" cried Jane and put down her pen. Tom rolled out the drawing he had been holding under his arm to show her their new abode. Jane eagerly inspected it.

"It is called Carrigglas Manor and is, as you can see, in need of restoration. It has been empty since a fire that unfortunately broke out some years ago. The previous owner did not have the means to rebuild it all and so I got the estate for a very reasonable amount of money. I am sure Daniel Robertson, the architect, can manage to have it ready by the time we are married." _Their own house_, mused Jane silently. Something they would create together. Tom could not have chosen a better prospect. She knew that would be a place she could be happy at. She hoped the children would think the same and not be too sad to leave their current housing. Jane could not wait to see it in real life.

"What a wedding gift," said she. She admired the drawing of the house, a bit on the gothic side, and very, very handsome. "It is perfect."

-xxx-

Tom was glad Jane liked the prospect he had shown her. Secretly he had already begun the restoration. He had decided on the spot when he was there to inspect it. He knew Jane would approve. It would suit them perfectly. In some way it had reminded him of Lady Gresham's estate and times passed. The cherry orchard by the pond would be worth mimicking. It would be their place to reminisce on the past and plan the future, remembering the kiss by the pond.

Tom had so many ideas that he really had to start writing them down before forgetting. It was the first time he was involved in a restoration this considerable. Mary's parents had given them the house they currently inhabited, and the only thing Tom had had any say in was the library. He had of course liked the house, but it had never felt as his own. After what had happened after Mary's death he was only too happy to leave and start afresh with Jane. Something they could call their won. Summer could not come soon enough.

Still there had been co contact with Mary's parents. Tom was quite certain they would have thought he and his children would come begging for forgiveness. But the Lefroys sternly put all the blame on the Pauls. They were the ones in the wrong. After a while even the younger children had stopped asking for them. Tom would never prevent them from seeing their grandparents, but no invitation for the children to visit came.

But first the pressing matter for the time being, Jane's birthday the 16th of December. She had of course asked not to be celebrated at all, but Tom and his children had another opinion. They wanted to celebrate Jane and the fact that she was in their life. The children especially wanted to show their appreciation. Jane had really been there for all of them through it all. She had become the rock they could rely on. They would have been lost without her.

So of course Jane knew nothing of the preparations that were being made. He had also taken the liberty of inviting Jane's mother and sister along with Eliza. Jane had said something about beginning the wedding planning. Even though they had decided on a small family wedding there were apparently things to discuss already. Tom did not really take part in that department, but he knew dresses had to be fitted and sewn, invitation lists must be written and flower, you must not forget the flowers. Tom grew tired with just thinking of it all.

Jane would have everything she asked for. Tom would not deny her anything. Only the best was good enough. Jane Austen would never have to deny herself anything ever again. Tom was going to make sure of that. Nothing would be wanting.

"So, when do I get to see this fantastic house of yours, Tom?" Jane suddenly asked. Tom realised he had been sitting silent, lost in thought for a while.

"When ever you like, my dear," replied Tom. "I shall need your opinions on the landscaping and the furniture." Tom smiled at her. He still found it hard to believe sometimes, that she was back in his life. It was like a beautiful dream he was afraid of waking up from. But this was a dream that would last for the rest of their life.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was looking forward to Miss Austen's birthday. She wanted to give her everything Miss Austen had given her on her birthday. Her father had put her in charge of the cake and decorations. It was very hard to make arrangement in secret, but Miss Austen had not really wanted a celebration, so it had to be done.

They worked under the pretence of it being a small family gathering. They all knew they could not keep everything from Miss Austen, and Miss Austen knew she would not be able to have no celebration at all. Of course it would not be a big thing, but bigger than the family. Her father had invited Miss Austen's mother and sister and also her cousin Eliza. His own parents would be there along with a few of his siblings and Jane's cousins that lived close enough. Miss Austen had yet to meet some of them.

Jane liked to have the head responsibility of the birthday celebration. It was not like she had stepped up to take her mother's place, but her father did rely on her more now than he had before. She knew he counted on her to be there to help Miss Austen to find her new place in their family. So far most things had run smoothly, but Jane could see that Miss Austen was uncomfortable in the new position as mistress of a household. Millie and Mrs Jones did the best they could in making Miss Austen familiar with all the different parts of the house, of what their chores were and how she should handle the writing of the things to get from the shops, which butcher who was the better and so on.

Even her brothers and sister had helped her as much as they could. Miss Austen could not say that she had been anything than welcome into the Lefroy's household. They had taken her in with open arms. The neighbours and the town had also gotten used to the idea that Miss Austen was there to stay. After the funeral there had of course been the usual gossip and titter-tatter, but it had soon died out. Jane knew her mother would be pleased. Everything had turned out exactly as she had planned it. Well, apart from the Pauls part. Jane's grandparents still did not speak to them. Jane did not care anymore, nor did her brothers and sister.

-xxx-

Jane Austen could sense that there was more to this little family gathering for her birthday than Tom and his family would let on. Often she would enter a room and everyone in it would go dead silent and try to look like they did not talk about her celebration. After a long and hard persuasion she had allowed Tom and his daughter to plan for a small celebration, a modest celebration that would suit a lady turning nine-and-thirty. Jane now begun to realise that would not be the case. The family was going to some lengths to make it a memorable occasion. She thought they could have waited a year; nine-and-thirty was no birthday to celebrate really. But as it seemed, she was outvoted.

Jane really did not mind, but she was not used to the attention they were giving her. She still did not believe she was anything special. Sure, she had published two novels that had been taken in by the readers, but still, she had a long way to go before considering herself special. Tom did that so well for her. He also liked to point out the fact that she was 23 days older than him. She would have to get him back for that.

**-TBC-**

_Not really fast forwarding, but jumping ahead a bit. I hope you liked it! _


	34. A Trip in the Snow

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: __I'm the worst writer ever. At least when it comes to keeping my fans happy. But I give you an adventurous chapter, and hope you will forgive me the long wait. _

**Part 34****: In which they go on a trip and get caught in the snow**

"How about a trip to Carrigglas tomorrow, Jane?" asked Tom a few days before her birthday. "We could stay at the inn for a few days." To be honest Tom wanted Jane to himself for a few days before her family arrived. Who knew when they would be able to go away alone before the wedding. Jane's mother, sister and cousin were due to arrive the next day and Tom thought they would be well on their way when they came. There were also matters to be discussed with the contractor.

"Yes, that would be lovely," said Jane. Tom almost jumped with relief. With Jane out of the house the rest of the family could go on with the preparations for Jane's birthday without worrying about her walking in on them and spoil the whole thing. Tom would bring Jane back on her birthday.

He did not mind sharing her with the rest of the family, but sometimes he wished it was only the two of them. This was probably his only chance of having her completely to himself before the wedding. He longed for the day when Jane's face was the last thing he saw at night and the first thing he laid his eyes on in the morning. Sleeping in the same bed was something yet to experience. The summer seemed so far away.

-xxx-

Jane Austen still got the feeling of being caught in a dream. Everything was too good to be true. Sometimes she was just waiting for someone to come and say it was not for her, that there had been some mistake and it was time for her to go home.

Tom's scheme to go away for a couple of days was most welcome. She dearly hoped they would stay away over her birthday, but she suspected she would have no such luck. Tom would surely have her back in time for her celebration. There was no fooling Jane. She knew the preparations were going on. She had decided to let it be, even though she thought it too much. But since she was not supposed to know about it there was no way for her to stop them. She trusted Tom's judgement not to let things get out of hand.

Jane was eager to see the place Tom had found for them. From what she had understood the mansion would not be liveable for another couple of months, but there were many things to be settled with the constructer. Matters that were best discussed on site. She longed to be a part of it all. Tom had said he needed her input. Although she was not sure what she could bring to the table. She knew nothing of restoration and had done very little decoration. But Tom seemed to have confidence in her good taste to let her decorate after her own head. Apart from the library, of course, that was Tom's domain and she would not dream of intruding unless he asked for advice. She hoped it would be as grand as the one he had now. She thought it perfect.

She had not been away from the house more than over a day since she arrived last spring, but the guests had been many and Jane had found that she liked to entertain and be the mistress of a household suited her very well.

Jane was a bit hesitant about leaving the children alone, but Tom assured her they would be well taken care of by Millie and Mrs Jones. Of course she trusted them completely, but still it felt odd and Jane was still a bit worried. The children had been left in her care by their mother and it felt like she was leaving her own offspring.

"It is only for a couple of days, Miss Austen," said Jane Lefroy. "We will be quite fine with Millie and Mrs Jones."

"I am sure, but..." Jane looked worried as she packed her bag.

"Do not worry. Anthony and I will look after the younger ones," Jane Lefroy assured her. Jane, however, did not feel convinced.

-xxx-

"Are you ready, my love?" asked Tom the next day as Jane Austen descended the stairs with a bag in her hand. They were getting late and Tom began to worry about running into Jane's family on their way to Carrigglas.

"Yes, I believe I am," smiled Jane. He knew she was worried about leaving the children. Had she only known her mother and sister would be there to look after them she would not have to worry, but their visit was part of the surprise and Tom was not the one to tell.

The December morning was clear and sunny. Hopefully the weather would say dry until they reached Carrigglas. Tom was a bit worried about getting caught on the road during a heavy snowfall, but as it looked now they did not have to worry.

Tom made sure Jane was comfortable in the carriage before sitting down in the carriage next to her and telling the driver to begin their journey. A quick glance at his pocket watch told him they would not risk meeting Jane's family on the road. He relaxed and made himself comfortable under the sheepskin rug next to Jane. He felt very excited about this trip. Not only was he going to show her their future home, but he also got to spend time with her completely alone. Did he dare suggest only one bedroom at the inn? Or was that too bold? He smiled vacantly, thinking of falling asleep next to her.

"What are you smiling about?" asked Jane and he met her puzzled eyes.

"I was just thinking of how lucky I am. To be here with you," he smiled. "Last time we set off on a journey together we were eloping."

"Yes...?" Jane cocked an eyebrow as if she wondered what he was getting at.

"This time we are actually engaged with our parent's blessing, and on our way to inspect our future home. It is just funny how life turns out." Tom could hear himself ramble. He did feel as excited and filled with love and joy as he had all those years ago when they had set off at dawn to be married. But this time Jane would not leave him at the first stop. Nothing would make her leave him again.

Jane smiled as if she understood how he felt. "Yes, this was not the way I had thought my life would turn out."

"No, who would have thought?" Tom took her hands and brought them up to his lips. Jane smiled and met his eyes.

-xxx-

_Yes, who would have thought that this ironic, penniless authoress would actually marry?_ Jane thought to herself as she looked into Tom's adoring eyes.

"Judge Langlois must be turning in his grave," she said with a chuckle. Tom's lips brushed her hands gently. Despite the brisk morning outside Jane did not feel cold at all. Quite the contrary. The closeness to Tom was making her blood boil. She had to look away not to show what effect he had on her. Her body was filled with desire she could not yet act on.

Soon the rocking of the carriage sent Jane to sleep and she did not wake again until Tom woke her up at lunch. They stopped at an inn and had a small lunch before setting off again.

"How much further," asked Jane when daylight began to fade outside the windows.

"Not more than a few miles now," said Tom and smiled excitedly.

Jane felt a rush of anticipation surge through her body as the carriage left the road and turned into a pebbled drive. The drive was flanked with large oak trees which made the place seem excluded from the world. Jane peered out the window in hope of catching a glimpse of the mansion.

"Nearly there," whispered Tom in her ear. His breath on her face made her body tingle. The carriage came round a bend and there it was, Carrigglas Manor, perhaps not in all its glory, but still magnificent. Jane drew a deep breath.

"It is perfect," she breathed. Of course she could see that there was a lot of work to be done, but it was out of the ordinary. It was very happily situated on a small hill, overlooking a vast area of well kept lawns and gardens. She felt as if she had come home. There was no other place she would rather spend the rest of her life.

The carriage came to a stop in front of the main entrance and they stepped out into the cold afternoon. Jane did not feel the blistering wind against her cheeks, she was too excited. She tried to take it all in, but it was too much. She felt like a child at Christmas.

"Do you like it?" asked Tom and took her under the arm, leading her towards the entrance.

"I love it," replied Jane.

-xxx-

Tom enjoyed the look on Jane's face. Her dark eyes were widened in wonderment and curiosity. She almost looked like a small child discovering a secret world. Her face glowed with excitement and she eagerly turned around to take it all in.

He led her into the foyer where the lights had been lit by the caretaker, who had also made sure that some of the fires were lit to make it a little bit warmer. Outside he could hear the wind growing in strength. Tom vacantly wondered if there was a room warm enough to spend the night in if they had to. This part of the house was almost inhabitable, but there were no bedrooms finished and very few furniture in the drawing rooms.

An image including a sheepskin and a fireplace came before his eyes. If the weather got worse they did not have much choice but to stay overnight. Tom did not dislike that prospect. What could be more romantic than a light supper in front of a roaring fire with a snowstorm blowing outside? Tom would not mind at all. He was glad that Mrs Jones had made him take that basket of food. A quick glance outside told him it might come in handy.

Jane seemed oblivious to the storm outside. She was too busy exploring her surroundings.

"This area of the house was not harmed in the fire," said Tom and led the way into one of the drawing rooms. It was empty apart from a large chair and a small table in front of the fireplace. The fire was crackling merrily and its warmth beamed towards them.

Tom could feel a slight draft as the wind gained even more strength outside.

"What a lovely room," said Jane, who still did not seem to notice the storm outside. On the other side of the windows there were now large snowflakes falling down. Tom walked over and peered out.

"I am afraid we might have to spend the night," said he and turned to Jane, who was standing by the fire. She looked surprised. "The weather is rapidly becoming worse," explained Tom with a gesture towards the window.

"Oh," said Jane as she looked out.

-xxx-

She had not noticed the change in weather before Tom pointed it out to her. As Jane looked out the window and heard the roaring wind she realised they were caught in a snowstorm. She had been too occupied with exploring the house to notice the snowflakes that were heavily falling down outside the windows.

Tom did not seem worried, however, so Jane decided it would be fine. As long as there were wood to keep the fire going they were going to be just fine. Jane could not wait to see more of the manor. The weather did not bother her. She did not mind the idea of being alone with Tom with a blistering storm outside. The thought was actually quite exhilarating and she could feel a slight spur of excitement surge through her body.

"I will go see to the horses and the carriage," said Tom, "and bring in our bags."

Jane nodded, "I will take a look around in the meantime." Tom left her to her own exploring. Jane took a candle and left the room.

The house was very quiet apart form the wind blowing outside. Jane went from one room to the other, feeling more and more convinced that this place was designed for them. She thanked her lucky start that the previous owner had not been able to restore it. This place truly felt like home.

In her head Jane started placing furniture in the rooms she entered, she picked out fabrics for curtains and decided on what colours the walls should be. The house needed a good clean through before she could do anything, but there was no use before the whole restoration was finished. Everything would be covered in dust again if she started too soon.

She could easily imagine throwing parties in the large ballroom. It would be lit with a thousand candles, the walls painted in a soft yellow, almost golden colour to reflect the lights coming from the many windows. It would be just grand. The larger drawing rooms were perfect for smaller dinner parties, serving refreshments or for putting up card tables in.

Footsteps coming towards her brought her back from her daydreaming. She turned with a smile, expecting to find Tom, but instead stood face to face with an unknown red haired young man.

"Miss Austen, I presume?" said he with a friendly smile.

"Yes, that would be me, Mr...?"

"Oh, Mr Phelps," said he with an embarrassed look and a bow. Jane curtseyed and hid a smile. "I am the caretaker here at Carrigglas Manor."

"Oh, I see," said Jane and smiled. Mr Phelps did not look more than thirty, had a bright smile and green eyes. "You find me alone at the moment. Mr Lefroy went to see to our horses and luggage."

"Yes, I met Mr Lefroy as I came over to see if there was anything you needed, seeing as the weather took a nasty turn for the worse."

"That is very kind of you, Mr Phelps," said Jane.

"My wife is in the kitchen as we speak, making you a nice cup of hot cocoa and some sandwiches."

"That is really not necessary," objected Jane.

"Oh, it is no trouble at all, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps with a smile. "We are happy to help."

Jane looked out the window and saw nothing but snow. The wind was increasing by the minute and realised she Tom had been gone for quite some time now. Even if the estate was of considerable size, it was not that large.

"I wonder where Tom is," whispered Jane with dark eyes filled with worry.

**-TBC-**

_I hope you liked it. I crave for your __reviews and continued input. _


	35. Lost in the Snow

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ I hope you like it. _

**Part 35****: In which Tom get lost in the snow**

The weather was far worse than Tom had anticipated. After running into Mr Phelps in the courtyard he hurried over in direction of the stables. The snow made it difficult to get a sense of direction and the wind was hitting him with full power. After a few tries he finally found the stables. The driver had already taken care of the horses and the carriage. Tom and Jane's luggage was sitting on the floor waiting to be picked up.

"We are going to have to stay the night," Tom said to the driver.

"I figured, Mr Lefroy," answered he with a crooked smile. "I will stay here with the horses."

"Good man," said Tom. He knew there was a room in the far end of the stables where the stable boy would sleep. He picked up the luggage and peered outside. It was darkening fast and all he could see was snow. His tracks where already gone and he could only see a few feet in front of him. He had to get back somehow. Jane would be worried if he was gone too long. He did not want her going out in this weather looking for him.

Tom cursed himself for not thinking of a way to find his way back in the snow. A rope tied to the main door would have been sufficient. But that thought had not crossed his mind when he went out. He really hoped Jane was too busy exploring to realise he had been gone far too long.

Tom had to make a decision. He knew the wisest thing was to stay in the stables rather than risk getting lost on the way to the house. But he did not want to risk Jane going out looking for him either. She would surely get lost as she did not know the area at all. Hopefully Mr Phelps had found her and would talk her out of going outside. Mr Phelps was a sensible man and would not let a woman wander around outside in this kind of weather. He would rather risk his own life. Tom felt sure he could trust Mr Phelps not letting Jane out of the house no matter how persistent she was.

-xxx-

"I will not let you go out in this weather, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps with a determined voice.

"But Tom could be lost," Jane pleaded.

"It does not matter. I better go who knows the area," said Mr Phelps. Jane had to admit he was right. She would be lost in matter of seconds out there in the snow. She did not want to experience the feeling of complete helplessness again as she had in the thunderstorm that summer.

"Fine," Jane finally agreed. "But we must do something soon, Mr Phelps!" She was worried about Tom. The storm was getting even worse as they spoke. There was no time to lose. Jane could picture Tom lying lifeless in the snow freezing to death while she and Mr Phelps were arguing. She had been half way out the door when he stopped her.

"I will go," said Mr Phelps and put on his coat and took a lantern for light.

"Be careful, Mr Phelps," said Jane. "Mrs Phelps will never forgive me if you are harmed."

"I will be fine. I know this place like the palm of my hand, Miss Austen."

"You may, but Mr Lefroy does not and therefore could be anywhere," said Jane.

"If he is out there I will find him, Miss Austen, I promise," Mr Phelps smiled reassuringly, but Jane did not feel convinced. Tom could be anywhere. She prayed he was alright.

With a last reassuring smile Mr Phelps disappeared out the door into the darkening day and the snow outside. Jane watched as he disappeared quickly in the snow.

To keep her mind busy she went off in search of the kitchen where Mr Phelps had said she would find his wife. A cup of hot cocoa did not sound so bad after all, but she was too worried to feel any hunger. Jane found that Mrs Phelps was a calm and reasonable sort of a woman who did not feel the need to worry without just cause.

"My husband grew up on these grounds, Miss Austen. If there is anyone who can find Mr Lefroy it will be him," Mrs Phelps said as Jane told her about Mr Phelps bravery. The words calmed Jane down a bit, enough to let her enjoy the steaming cup of cocoa that was resolutely put in front of her along with a plate of sandwiches. After nibbling at a cucumber sandwich Jane realised how hungry she was and soon the plate was empty.

She tried to fall in with Mrs Phelps mindless chitchat, but the gnawing feeling of worry soon came back. Jane could not understand how Mrs Phelps could be so calm when she knew her husband out in this sort of weather.

-xxx-

Tom was lost. He was sure he had retraced his steps as closely as eh could in the snow but the house was still out of reach. He saw nothing but snow. For a moment he had seen a flicker of warm light, but just as he had localised where it came from it was gone and it was as dark as before.

He knew he had to find his way soon if the weather did not clear up. The roaring wind told him that that was not likely to happen any time soon. He kept on moving as not to feel the biting cold that was finding its way under his coat. He was glad he had remembered his gloves and scarf, it helped a little.

"Mr Lefroy?" Tom stopped dead in his steps and listened. He was sure he had heard his name being called, but now there was nothing but the unfriendly wind to be heard.

"Hello? Is anyone out here?" he called, but in vain. There was no response. Tom kept on walking. He had started walking after a pattern, twenty steps forward, the two to the right, twenty back again and then two to the left. It felt safer than just walking randomly towards what he thought the house would be.

He grew more and more desperate in his attempts to find his way back. Jane would be beside herself with worry by now, he knew he would be. As long as she did not go out in this weather to search for him…

"Mr Lefroy?" Once again he thought he heard someone call his name.

"Hello?" he called as loud as he could in an attempt to get through the roaring wind.

"Mr Lefroy?" The voice belonged to Mr Phelps. Tom could see a flicker of light coming his way.

"Mr Phelps! Thank God!" cried Tom, feeling utterly relieved. His whole body started shaking as he relaxed his tense muscles.

"I am glad I finally found you, Mr Lefroy. Miss Austen would have me killed if I returned without you," Mr Phelps emerged from the snow with a lamp in his hand. Just in that moment, when he felt confident that everything would turn out fine, Tom slipped and fell helplessly to the ground and everything went black.

-xxx-

Jane stood by the window trying to see out through the masses of snow that was falling outside. Tom and Mr Phelps were still not back and she was contemplating ignoring Mr Phelps plea of staying indoors. Anything could have happened. Tom could have slipped and fallen down hitting his head rendering him unconscious. Several scenarios including Tom lying lifeless in the snow played before her eyes.

She started pacing up and down the hall, unable to stand still. Something had to be done. Even Mrs Phelps had come to join her in her pacing, looking more and more worried. Just as Jane was about to put on her coat, Mr Phelps with Tom in his arms staggered through the door. Tom looked awfully pale and not quite conscious.

"Oh dear Lord!" Jane rushed forward to help Mr Phelps with Tom's lifeless body. "What happened?"

"Just as I found him he slipped and fell," Mr Phelps said and struggled with Tom's limp body. "Let us get him to the fireplace at once."

"Of course," said Jane.

"Emma, dear, would you be so kind to fetch some blankets and hot water bottles for Mr Lefroy?" said Mr Phelps to his wife who quickly disappeared down the hall. Jane helped Mr Phelps into the drawing room with the big fireplace. They gently put Tom down and Mr Phelps inspected Tom's head in search of a wound, but it did not appear to be any. That was good news. Fetching a doctor in this weather would not be easy.

"Tom, dear?" Jane kneeled beside him and held his face in her hands. There was no response. He was so cold. She took his hands and held them in hers, trying to warm them.

"I believe it is just the sheer exhaustion from being out in that weather that has rendered him unconscious, Miss Austen. I am no doctor, but I do not think we need to worry, at least not yet," said Mr Phelps. His wife came with the blankets and they covered him up completely. "We really need to get Mr Lefroy warm again." Jane rubbed her hands over Tom's body in an attempt to get him warm.

Jane realised how Tom must have felt when finding her unconscious that day in the rain. It was a scary feeling. She felt completely helpless since there was nothing she could do. She whispered to him as she inspected his head once more in search for a wound that would make his state more understandable. There was nothing that could explain his unconsciousness and it worried Jane.

"Tom, please wake up," she pleaded and kissed his face. "It is not fair..."

**-TBC-**

_Yes, another cliffy... Sorry... __Tell me all about it in a review! ;)_


	36. Tom is Still not Out of the Woods

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ Very short, I know… But I'm getting married in the morning and I wanted get this out! _

**Part 36****: In which Tom is still not out of the woods**

Tom was lost in the shadows. From far away he could hear someone calling his name, but he could not reach out to the person calling for him. He was cold, so cold. He could not remember ever being so cold. He could hear voices murmuring around him but could not make himself heard. Where was he? Where was Jane? What happened? He remembered the snow. He must have fallen. Was he hurt? He did not feel any pain. Was he dead? _I cannot be dead! _

Tom tried to open his eyes but his lids did not move an inch. He tried to move but his body was not responding. He began to feel afraid. Something just was not right.

-xxx-

"Wake up, Tom, please wake up," pleaded Jane with tears falling down on his face. "I cannot go on without you." She buried her face in his neck. He was still very cold and nothing they did seemed to change that. His breathing was normal as was his pulse. There was nothing to explain why Tom was unconscious.

She knew she could not live on if he was not in her life. Jane had never felt so helpless in her life.

"Is there nothing we can do?" Jane looked up at Mr Phelps.

"I do not what else to do, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps worriedly. "There is just nothing to explain why he is unconscious." Jane threw a look out the window, but the snow was still falling as hard as ever. She could not let anyone out the door before it had slowed down. Even if it was for the sake of Tom's life she could not risk another life in that weather. Jane looked down at Tom's pale face. She caressed it and begged him to open his eyes.

"Please, Tom, come back to me."

-xxx-

Back in Limerick the snow was not falling as hard as it did at Carrigglas. Jane Lefroy peered out the windows, feeling quite delighted to see the green lawn turn white. She could not wait to get out to play in the snow, but tonight it was too late. Mrs and Miss Austen were overseeing the work being down in the kitchen in preparation of what needed to be made for Miss Jane Austen's birthday.

Winter was, after summer, Jane's favourite time of year. She loved the way the snow covered everything up and gave it soft shapes. She could stay outside all day just wandering about looking at different things, making angels in the snow or throwing snowballs at her brothers.

She wondered how her father and Miss Austen were doing and hoped that they were safe and sound inside. They had only been gone for a day but she was already missing them. At night she sat by the fire and made garlands with the younger children, Mrs Austen and Miss Austen. Jane enjoyed working with her hands in quiet reflexion. There were still things to be done in preparation for Miss Austen's birthday, but Jane was on top of it. She was certain it was going to be a splendid day.

-xxx-

Tom stirred slightly. The dark was fading and his eyelids begun to slowly open. He tried to focus on the face that looked down at him with large dark eyes filled with concern.

"Jane?" he whispered hoarsely when he recognised the worried face with the large hazel eyes.

"Oh, Tom! Thank God!" Jane's face lit up in a shaky but relieved smile and her eyes filled with tears.

"Where am I?" He could not recognise the pattern in the ceiling. This was not his house. He tried to remember what had happened but his mind was blank. There was only Jane.

"I thought I had lost you," whispered Jane and covered his face with hot kisses.

"What happened?" Tom was beginning to feel slightly worried. His body felt oddly numb and he could not make his limbs move.

"You went out into the snow to fetch our luggage and got lost. As Mr Phelps found you, you fell," replied Jane. "You have been unconscious for some time." Tom could see that something was not right by the way Jane was looking at him. But what? Not knowing scared him.

"I cannot…" he could not bring himself to finish the sentence.

"Mr Phelps will go fetch the doctor as soon as the snowing stops," said Jane calmly. At least he was not cold anymore. But Jane's worried eyes made him uncomfortable, how ever calm she may sound. Why could he not move? Panic filled his chest and he closed his eyes, trying to make it go away.

-xxx-

Jane felt utterly relieved as she saw Tom's eyes finally open. But he did not seem to remember what had happened and on top of that he could not move his body. She could see the fear in Tom's eyes and did her best to remain calm and composed though she was as scared as him. If only it would stop snowing so Mr Phelps could fetch the doctor.

Tom had at least regained colour to his face and his body was not shivering from cold anymore. She dearly hoped the immobility in his limbs was temporary and that it would sort itself out before the doctor was fetched. But she was worried.

Mr and Mrs Phelps had left her to herself for a while. They had tried to make her sleep, but Jane knew she could not rest until she knew Tom was out of danger. Still neither of them could understand why Tom lay unconscious and unable to move. There was no injury to explain it and that was most vexing.

Tom's eyelids slipped down again and he was once more unconscious. Most unwillingly Jane left him and went in search of Mr and Mrs Phelps. They would want to hear that Tom at least had been awake. She found them in the kitchen.

"He was awake for a short time," said Jane as she stood in the doorway unsure whether to walk in or not. "But he drifted off again."

"Come and sit down, Miss Austen," said Mrs Phelps. "I will make you a nice strong cup of tea." Jane did as she was told. She felt totally numb and could not think straight.

"Did he say anything?" asked Mr Phelps.

"Yes, he does not seem to remember what happened or where he is," replied Jane. Pr Phelps looked worried. "He cannot move." Jane's eyes filled with tears. "But he knew my name."

"If only it would stop snow!" cried Mr Phelps and flew up from the chair and walked over to the window. He looked as worried as Jane felt.

"There we are," said Mrs Phelps as she put down a cup in front of Jane.

Outside the snow was steadily falling and did not show any signs of stopping. One good thing was that the wind did not have the same power as before. Hopefully it was a sign of the weather improving. Jane prayed that it was.

-xxx-

The next time Tom opened his eyes he was alone. Jane was nowhere to be seen. He tried to listen for voices but all he could hear was the crackling of the dying fire. Where was Jane? Panic struck again. He did not like to be left alone in the condition. He tried to call out but not a sound came out of his mouth. The odd thing was that he did not feel pain anywhere. He was not hurt in anyway. It was very confusing.

He stirred slightly, carefully trying to move his muscles. Slowly and quite painfully they were responding. First he moved his toes, then his fingers, legs and arms. Finally he managed to sit up. He took a look around and tried to remember where he was. The room was totally unknown to him. The only thing he could recall was Jane and her dark worried eyes. Where had she gone to? Tom tried to rise, but his head started spinning something awful that he slumped back down again. _This will not do! _

**-TBC-**

_Hope you liked it. _


	37. Tom is Finding his Way

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ Thank you for all your kind words and wishes on our marriage. I am now Mrs A and couldn't be happier! _

**Part 37****: In which Tom is finding his way back**

"I better go back to Mr Lefroy," said Jane Austen as soon as she had finished her tea. Mr and Mrs Phelps nodded in agreement. The snow kept on falling and they were now completely snowed in. They would not be able to get out even if they wanted to before daylight. It was too dangerous to try it now even if the intensity of the snowfall had slowed down.

Jane hoped that the weather was not as bad in Limerick, though they children would most probably see it as a very exiting adventure to be snowed in; Jane did not want to worry about them too. She hurried back towards the drawing room, realising she had been gone quite some time. Anything could have happened in that time. Jane's chest filled with distress again. They were not going to be able to leave the house until morning and nobody would know where they were, only that they had not reached the inn as planned. If messengers were sent out to contact her and Tom's family they would be worried. Hopefully some clever soul would think of coming to Carrigglas to see if they were there. Jane prayed for that scenario. She wondered how long it would take until someone realised they were missing.

"Jane?" Tom's voice echoed through the hallway. Jane picked up her pace and hurried to the drawing room where she found Tom sitting up.

"Tom! You are awake!" cried she and hurried over to his side. "And sitting up."

"Where were you?" asked Tom with an accusative tone in his voice.

"I went to talk to Mr and Mrs Phelps about our situation and your condition," replied Jane and kneeled down beside him. She gently took his face in her hands, inspecting his eyes, then feeling his pulse and forehead. "Everything seems normal," she murmured. "How are you feeling?"

"Fatigued and I still cannot remember anything but you," replied Tom with furrowed brow. The accusing tone had been replaced by a more fearful one.

"You do not remember anything at all, or just your fall?" asked Jane cautiously.

"It is most vexing, because I know it is there, just out of grasp," replied Tom. "The oddest thing is that I do not feel hurt."

"I know. We have not been able to find any explanation either." Tom's blue eyes filled with tears. Jane caressed his cheek. "As soon as daylight comes Mr Phelps will fetch a physician. But until then we cannot do anything but wait. We are snowed in."

-xxx-

Tom tried hard to remember something other than Jane. There were vague faces without names. Children? His and Jane's children? But why did he have a wedding band when she did not? What was Jane to him? He knew that he loved her and that she loved him. He felt completely safe with her. She was the only thing that made sense at the moment.

He thanked the Lord that she was there. Jane was his beacon in the haze that surrounded him. As long as she was there he knew he would be fine. Then something in his mind craved attention. A memory? A wife? Was he married to someone that was not Jane? Tom's brow furrowed as he tried to bring the memory forth. A death? Just as he was sure he could remember, the image was gone.

"Tom?" Jane sounded worried. He realised he probably had a funny look on his face as he concentrated on remembering.

"I thought I remembered something," said he.

"What was it?" asked Jane.

"I cannot remember. Just as I thought I had it, it was gone."

"Oh, Tom," cried Jane and took him in her arms. "It will come back to you, I am sure of it." He could hear that she was worried. Tom chose not to ask about their relationship just then. That would only make it worse, he knew that much.

Apart from the memory loss he felt just fine. Perhaps a bit hungry.

"I am actually feeling a bit hungry," said he.

"I will go fetch you something right away," said Jane and rose.

"If that would not be too much to ask," said Tom. He needed some time alone.

"Not at all," Jane sounded offended. Tom did not mean to offend her, of course she would do anything to make him feel better. But he did not want her to think he took her for granted. He cold not help it, for some reason the love he felt for her felt forbidden. Tom wished he knew why.

Jane looked tired as she walked out the door in direction of what must be the kitchen. When she was gone Tom fell down on the pillows that were propped up under his body, feeling utterly exhausted. He was worried. He could see in Jane's eyes that she was too. Soon he fell into restless sleep, disturbed by faces that he could not recognise and voices he could not remember. Nothing made sense.

-xxx-

Jane's stomach was in a hard knot. She did not like this one bit. Tom looked at her with different eyes. She knew it was not his fault, but it scared her. If only she could help. She felt utterly exhausted. She needed to sleep.

Mr and Mrs Phelps followed her back to the drawing room with tea and sandwiches for Tom. The weather finally seemed to be clearing up, but it was still dark. Tom was lying down with his eyes closed when she returned with Mr and Mrs Phelps. Jane fell down by his side and whispered his name. But there was no response. Tom seemed restless and tossed and turned in his sleep, murmuring incoherent words.

Mrs Phelps put down the kettle by the fire and the sandwiches on the little table while her husband knelt beside Tom and Jane.

"There is still no change, Mr Phelps," said Jane. She had told them about Tom's continued lack of memory on their way back from the kitchen.

"I still cannot understand what is causing the memory loss, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps. "It is most vexing!"

"Yes," said Jane and looked down at Tom's face. She caressed his forehead. "I just hope he will be fine eventually."

"It is only a few hours till dawn, I will take my horse as soon as there is enough light, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps. "Do try to get some rest."

"I will try, Mr Phelps," promised Jane although she knew it was impossible for her to sleep before she knew Tom was out of danger. Mr and Mrs Phelps left her to herself once again. She could see their tired eyes and hope they at least could find the calmness to get a few hours of sleep.

Tom stirred again and Jane returned her focus on him. His eyelids fluttered but he remained asleep. Jane poured herself a cop of tea and put some more logs on the fire before settling down next to Tom again. Her mind was trying to think of something that could explain what Tom was going through, but she came up with nothing. If only time could move faster and day light would be upon them. Then Mr Phelps would go and fetch a physician who hopefully could find an answer to the mystery.

Jane's eyelids grew heavier and soon she too fell into a restless sleep, filled with images of a Tom that did not remember his own children or her. Dreams that once again forced her to leave Tom.

-xxx-

_"Jane, I'm yours, I'm yours heart and soul!" he breathed out the words as they hid themselves amongst the trees. Tom reached for the young lady by his side, feeling utterly and completely in love. The kiss she had just placed on his lips told him that she felt __the same. His heart was near explosion with emotion. "Much good that is."_

_"Let me decide that," breathed she as she kissed his hand. He drew her near and then deeper into the shadows as some guests came closer. _

_"What will we do?"_

_"What we must," whispered Jane as she kissed him once again. _

Tom woke up with a start. The memory had been vivid. He had been young again. He could almost taste the kiss on his lips. He sat up and looked around. Jane was sleeping next to him, stirring slightly as he sat up. He felt triumphant. He had remembered something from his past. A past with Jane. But what of the future? What had happened after that joyous night by the pond? What had his uncle said? Tom could not remember.

The fire was dying so he rose carefully as not to wake Jane and put on some more logs on the fire. He felt the kettle that was placed beside the fireplace and found it lukewarm, it would have to do. He poured himself a cup and on the table he found the sandwiches and ate with great appetite. He felt famished. Jane looked very peaceful and he let her sleep. She had looked so tired before. The food lifted his spirits and he went to the window to look outside. He still was not sure what this house was.

The sun was slowly rising on the horizon, showing off a landscape completely white. A thick cover of snow was on the ground and the trees. He fought a sudden urge to run out and throw himself in the snow as he had when he was little. The first snow was always magical. He smiled. Another memory. This was better. He remembered the little house in Limerick, his mother and father and brothers and sisters. Happy memories.

Tom did not feel as worried as more memories came into his head. Most of which Jane was not a part of. He remembered he had children of his own, a wife. At least he thought he had a wife. But he could not figure out why he was here with Jane and not his wife. Tom was sure Jane was not the one he had married. But he still could not remember what had happened after that night by the pond and why he had married someone else.

**-TBC-**

_Of course I cannot let Tom loose his memory! ;)_


	38. Tom is Back

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ I'm so sorry for the late update. My mind has been elsewhere these last few weeks. _

**Part 38****: In which Tom is back**

Jane Austen could not believe she had actually fallen asleep. As she woke up she found that Tom was standing by the window looking out. The sun was up and the sky clear.

"Tom?" She sat up. "How are you feeling?" He turned slowly towards her.

"I am feeling as before, but a few bits of my past have come back to me," said he. She thought he looked a bit different from last night. Calmer perhaps.

"That is good news," said Jane and smiled encouragingly.

"I suppose so," said Tom, but looked rather unhappy. "But all I remember are things from my childhood and youth. Nothing recent." Jane's brow furrowed.

"It will come back to you, I am sure," she said reassuringly. "Has Mr Phelps been here to see you?"

"No, nobody has been here," replied Tom. "But I did see someone leave on horseback perhaps an hour ago." Jane felt relieved.

"That was probably Mr Phelps going to fetch the physician," said she.

"But I am not hurt," objected Tom.

"I know that. But something is amiss. You need to let a physician take a look at you. Something must be causing the memory loss," said Jane calmly.

"Yes, you are right, of course," said Tom, but did not look convinced and turned to the window again. Jane realised he was frightened of what the doctor might find. But since he had started remembering things, Jane was sure his condition was not permanent. There where so many unasked questions in his eyes. Questions Jane knew she could not answer. He would not let her know how much and what he remembered.

Jane watched him fearfully as he stood silently looking out the window with a thoughtful look on his face. She wished there was something she could do for him, but alas, there was nothing. Nothing ever went as planned, Jane knew that by now. But life still took her by surprise from time to time. It was as if someone above had it in for her. Tears began to rise in her eyes and she had to look away.

"I will go see to breakfast," said she and left him before he had the chance to turn and offer a reply.

-xxx-

Tom could see the combination of pain and relief on her face. But there was nothing he could do or say to offer her any reassurance before he remembered more. There were so many things he would want to ask her about but he was not sure she could give him the answers. He hoped the physician could give him some answers regarding his condition at least. At the same time Tom was afraid that he would that there was nothing wrong with him.

He could hear the tears in her voice when she said she was going to see to breakfast. But before he could utter another word she was out of the room, her hurried footsteps disappearing down the hall. Tom felt trapped, trapped in his body and trapped in this unknown house. He wished more memories would come back to him to make him feel more certain that his condition was only temporary. But there was nothing, only hazy images of children he could not remember the names of. The harder he tried the farther the images from his passed seemed.

Frustrated he started pacing the room. There was something in the back of his head that was constantly gnawing at him for attention. Just as he thought he had it within his grasp it was gone. He got the feeling that Jane was not the only one who depended on him. Somewhere out there, there were more people counting on him. But who? And why? He sighed. Once again he found himself in front of the window, gazing out over the white landscape, as if the white landscape held the answer to his current predicament.

His blue eyes swept over the plains outside, eagerly drinking in his surroundings, trying to figure out what this place was. The snow glistened in the sunlight and was still undisturbed by human or animal touch. It was truly a beautiful day. It was a blank slate, a beginning of something new. Tom could feel it, but could not understand why that thought crossed his mind. Perhaps it was because of his current situation, perhaps it was because of something that had happened before, but it did feel like something significant had happened in his life just not long ago.

-xxx-

Jane fingered on the necklace Tom had given her that summer. She was truly worried about him. The idea of him not remembering was terrifying and she did not want to think of what would happen if he did not remember anything more.

"My husband left about an hour ago, Miss Austen," said Mrs Phelps as Jane sat down by the table in the kitchen, helping her making sandwiches.

"I hope he get there safely. The roads must be very difficult to travel, Mrs Phelps," said Jane. "Did you get any sleep at all?" She saw the tiredness in the other woman's face.

"Only a few hours, Miss. How about you?"

"I must have dozed off some time during the night. Mr Lefroy was up when I woke," said Jane.

"And how is he?"

"As before," sighed Jane. Her worry must have shown, because Mrs Phelps sat down next to her and took Jane's hands in hers, pressing them and trying to infuse Jane with some of her own strength.

"I am sure there is nothing to worry about, Miss Austen. You will see that everything will be sorted out as my husband returns with the doctor," said Mrs Phelps reassuringly. Jane wanted to believe her and share her optimism, but she could not. She rose and walked over to the window, gazing out into the whiteness outside. She folded her arms around her waist as to shield herself from reality. Behind her she could hear Mrs Phelps finishing the breakfast tray, minding her own business. The serene scenery outside did not offer any answers, however. Jane was as helpless as she had been before.

If only Tom could start remembering more things from his past and present, that would calm her mind considerably. Her hand flew up to the necklace again, as if to give her some kind of reassurance. She sent a silent prayer to the Lord and Mary to help her in this pressing time of need.

"Here we are then, Miss Austen," said Mrs Phelps behind her. "All finished to be taken to Mr Lefroy." Jane turned and forced a smile on her face. Mr and Mrs Phelps had been so helpful to her and Tom. She did not know what she would have done if they were not here.

"Thank you, Mrs Phelps," said Jane and took the tray out of her hands. "Please send Mr Phelps and the doctor to the drawing room as soon as they arrive."

"Will do, Miss."

-xxx-

He heard her steps coming closer and he forced a calm look on his face as he turned his back to the window. No more answers had come, no new memories had resurfaced. Tom found it most disturbing. He noticed the haunted look on her face as she entered as he saw her dark eyes were clouded with worry. He tried to smile, but he felt it freeze into a stale grimace instead. He could not pretend not to be worried. He did not want to pretend in front of her. There was no need for that. She was the only person he knew to trust right now.

She walked over and put the tray down on the little table, trying to look unbothered. She poured two cups of tea for them and then sat down with her hands in her lap. Tom went over and took a cup, but as there was only one chair, he remained standing.

"Do you want to sit?" asked Jane as she saw him stand.

"No, that is fine, you can sit. We can take turns," said he. She nodded and took her cup of tea and sipped carefully on the hot liquid. Her hand shivered slightly as she reached for a sandwich. He was struck by the love he felt for her, a strange need to take care of her. Tom still was not sure what they had together, but he was sure they belonged together. But he had married someone else.

"Have a sandwich," she said and turned her dark eyes to meet his. "You must be hungry." He did as he was told.

"I still do not see what a physician can do to help my situation, Jane," said he after a while.

"I would feel much calmer after he has examined you," said Jane and rose. Her hand flew up to her neck where it found a necklace with a heart of gold in it. She fingered on it for a while. Tom knew he had seen it before. Just as he recognised it as a gift to her from himself as a small token of his affection for her a steady stream of more memories came rushing back. It hit him with such power that he felt dizzy and had to sit down.

"Tom, are you alright?" Jane knelt down next to him.

"Yes, I am fine!" cried he, happy as he remembered everything. Mary's death, his children, Jane, what had happened after the meeting by the pond all those years ago, his uncle… "I remember!" Her dark eyes lit up.

"Everything?" she whispered, unbelievingly.

"Everything," he nodded and took her in his arms. "This is our future home, Jane." Jane nodded through tears. "Future Mrs Thomas Langlois Lefroy…" She buried her face in his neck and cried. Tom felt the tears trickle down his own face. Never had he felt such relief.

**-TBC-**

_I hope it was worth the long wait. _


	39. Everything is Clearing up

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ I'm so sorry for the late update. But as it were I became a mother on December 29__th__ and my son is now taking up most of my time, though he does not do much more than eat and sleep. I so hope you will bear with me as the updates may take a while longer. _

**Part 39****: In which everything is clearing up**

Jane Austen could not remember a time when she had felt more relieved. The tears fell down her cheeks and she could not stop laughing.

"Thank the Lord," she said. Tom smiled at her and wiped her tears away. "I have never been so scared in my life."

"Neither have I," said Tom. Tears glistened in his blue eyes as he smiled at her. "It was a horrible feeling, not knowing where I was and why. You were the only thing in my head. My guiding light through the darkness." Jane smiled at him and felt that she could finally relax. All the tensions from the last day let go of her body and she started to shake uncontrollably. If she had not been in Tom's arms she would have fallen to the floor.

They sat like that until Mr Phelps came with the physician. The looks on the gentlemen's faces was priceless. Jane knew Mr Phelps had been expecting to see them in the same state as he had left them. Now he was greeted by smiling faces.

"This is Mr Johnston, our physician. I have explained everything to him," said Mr Phelps. "But it seems like we are not in need of his services anymore." Mr Phelps smiled. Jane got up from Tom's lap and smiled at the elderly white haired man that had followed Mr Phelps into the drawing room.

"Oh, I think Mr Lefroy could use a quick see over," she said. "We still do not know what caused it all." Tom rose as well and bowed.

"Mr Johnston, how kind of you to take the time to come and see me. The memories just came rushing back," said Tom.

"That is not uncommon," replied the physician. "But as Miss Austen rightly said, I still want to examine you, Mr Lefroy."

"Of course, Mr Johnston," said Tom. The physician put down his bag next to the table and asked Tom to sit down again. After examining him the doctor smiled.

"There does not seem to be anything wrong with you, Mr Lefroy," said he.

"Do you have any idea of what caused the memory loss, Mr Johnston?" asked Jane.

"The stress of being out in the snow like that could have brought it on, Miss Austen," replied Mr Johnston. "Or perhaps the fall, but that did not injure Mr Lefroy."

"I am just glad the memories came back as they did," said Tom with relief written all over his face.

"Are not we all, Mr Lefroy," said Mr Phelps.

-xxx-

Words could scarcely make justice to the relief Tom was feeling as Mr Johnston declared that there was nothing wrong with him.

"Is there any possibility that something like this might happen again?" asked Jane worriedly.

"It is too hard to say, Miss Austen," said Mr Johnston. "There is always a possibility, since I cannot tell what caused it in the first place. But if Mr Lefroy stays inside during snowstorms in the future and promise to rest up before going on another adventure, he should be fine." The physician winked at Tom.

"We were supposed to go back home tomorrow," said Tom, remembering Jane's birthday and the preparations back home.

"That will all depend on the roads being cleared, Mr Lefroy," said Mr Phelps. "It was not an easy task to get by on horseback today, and I know they have been working on clearing the main roads since it stopped snowing."

"Then we will have to wait and see," said Tom. He did not want to go against the doctor's orders of resting, but he was keen on getting home to his children. They would be worried if they did not arrive as he had said. He longed to see them all. The last day's ordeal had made him more humble to the idea of how quickly life could change.

"Shall we continue our tour of the house?" asked Jane. Tom realised that they had been right in the middle of the grand tour when the snowstorm came in their way.

"Certainly, my dear," replied Tom with a smile. "If that would be alright with Mr Johnston, of course." Jane turned to the physician.

"If you take it slow and do not exert yourself, Mr Lefroy," said Mr Johnston in a mild lecturing tone, "I believe it should be alright."

"Thank you for all your help, Mr Johnston," said Tom and shook the physician's hand. "I am so relieved to hear that there is nothing the matter with me." Mr Johnston bowed his head slightly.

"I will accompany Mr Johnston back to the village, Mr Lefroy," said Mr Phelps. "I will ask around about the progress on the roads. Hopefully you will be able to go home as planned tomorrow."

"Thanks so much for your help, Mr Phelps," said Jane. "I do not know what we would have done without you and your wife." Jane took his hand and pressed it.

"That is what we are here for, Miss Austen," said the younger gentleman, turning bright red by the compliment. Tom smiled slightly.

Mr Johnston and Mr Phelps said their good byes and left them to explore the house. Mr Johnston said he would be back the next day to make sure Tom was fit to travel if the roads permitted it. Tom was quite surprised over the physician's helpfulness and promised himself to send Mr Johnston something when he got back to Limerick. Perhaps a basket for him and his family would be a nice gesture for the holidays.

"Shall we, my dear?" asked Tom and took her by the arm and led her out of the drawing room.

"We shall," replied Jane.

-xxx-

Jane was happy to, once again, be alone with Tom. Her heart was now as light as it had been heavy just hours ago. They had truly been tested once again, and she was certain this was not their last test. Nevertheless, she hoped it would be. She did not know how much more she could take. Jane would not rest easy until she was Mrs Thomas Langlois Lefroy, and that day could not come soon enough.

"I am so happy that Mr Johnston did not find anything wrong with you, Tom," said Jane and pressed his arm affectionately. She did not know what she would have done if the physician had found something wrong with him.

"So am I," said Tom and patted her arm, drawing her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed happily as they strolled down the hallway.

The manor was everything she had imagined it to be and more. Jane could easily picture herself living there with Tom and his children.

"I trust it is all to your liking, my dear?" said Tom as they had finished the tour.

"Very much so," replied Jane with a soft smile. She had secretly picked out a room she thought suited very well as a nursery for an infant, though she would never tell anyone about it. Jane knew that giving Tom a child was most probably an unattainable dream, but still it was something she could not stop herself from dreaming of.

"Have you picked out rooms for us?" asked Tom. The thought of sharing rooms with Tom sent Jane's heart racing. Sharing his bed… Jane felt her cheeks turn crimson.

"I am not completely sure yet," she hesitated. "But I was thinking of some of the rooms overlooking the gardens." Tom nodded approvingly.

"You must choose a room for your writing. A room where you can find inspiration," said he. Jane smiled. He truly had her best at heart, wanting her to continue writing. Tom had grown into a most considerate man who put others before himself.

"Inspiration has never been my problem, my dear," remarked Jane with a smile.

"Perhaps," he said. "But you never know. To be mistress of a house this size and with all the children… Well, it might be hard to find the time and the inspiration to write."

"Oh, I think I can manage," said Jane, confident that she would make time to write. It was not as if she would not have help with running the house. She would really need the support of a competent help. Jane was sure Millie and the Joneses would come with them to stay at Carrigglas. Mr and Mrs Phelps would make an excellent addition to their staff. "And I have a few ideas in my head that I should get down on paper as soon as we get back."

The weather stayed calm and clear the rest of the day. Mr Phelps returned with news of the roads being cleared and that there should be no trouble for them to return back to Limerick the next day.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy was making sure that everything was set for the surprise party for Miss Austen. She really hoped that Miss Austen would not mind them throwing her this party even though she had specifically asked for a small gathering. Jane was slightly worried, but Miss Cassandra and Mrs Austen assured her that Miss Austen would be happy. They had been very helpful in preparing the house for a birthday celebration.

As Jane looked out the window, she was a bit worried about the amount of snow that had fallen the last day. There had been reports of people snowed in all over the county and that the roads were troublesome. She looked at the clock and found it was still time before her father had said they would be back. Since she had not heard anything, she was confident they were on their way home.

The guest would begin to arrive within the hour and Jane was starting to get a bit nervous. This was the first real party she had planned on her own. Usually her mother had been in charge of that and Jane had helped her. But this was her party for Miss Austen. She was the one who had made all the major decisions once her father had given his approval.

"Miss Jane?" Jane turned to find Millie in the doorway.

"Millie?"

"Everything is set, Miss," said Millie with a smile. "Now I think it is time we get you dressed, Miss." Jane smiled and looked down at the dress she was wearing, it was old and almost outgrown, but she had not wanted to ruin one of her newer ones when baking.

"Yes, you are right, Millie," she replied, "I better hurry! Look at the state of me!" Millie only smiled mildly.

"Come on then, Miss," said Millie and led the way out of the room.

**-TBC-**

_Again I'm terribly sorry for being so negligent of my dear readers and updating so late. I'll really try to make it faster next time. _


	40. Miss Austen is Starting her 39th Year

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note:__ My life has totally interfered with my writing. I'm so sorry for the late update, but I do try my best to write whenever it is possible. But apparently infants have a sixth sense when it comes to sitting down to do something that has absolutely nothing to do with them… i.e. picks the perfect time to wake up crying. _

**Part 40****: In which Miss Austen is starting her 39****th**** year**

"Happy birthday, my dear," he whispered in her ear as he woke her up the next day. Propriety had forbid them to sleep in the same room again and Tom had slept in a room on the other side of the hallway. Mr Phelps had provided them with mattresses he had found the night before.

Tom had let her sleep in. He knew she had not slept much since his accident. Mrs Phelps helped him put together a breakfast tray to surprise Jane with. Mr Phelps had discovered that the roads were clear enough to travel. Tom had told the driver to have the carriage ready by noon, so that they would be home in time for Jane's birthday party.

But before that they still had plenty of time to draw up some plans for Carrigglas. Mr Phelps was to see to that their will be done at site and needed to be included in their discussions. Tom was filled with hopes and dreams for the future. He could not wait to fulfil Jane's every wish a whim.

Tom looked down at the woman, still far away in dreaming, and was once again struck by her beauty. Time had been kind on her features and her lines only brought a more mature handsomeness to her face. It showed a woman who had lived through her fair share of set backs but also tremendous joy. His heart was filled with love and happiness when he thought of spending the rest of his life together with Jane Austen. He could not think of anyone else better to grow old with.

This drawing room would have to be turned into their special room. A room where they could sit in front of the fire, discussing this and that, plan their future and relish over their lucky situation in life. He would make it his own personal project, perhaps even make it his wedding gift for her.

"Jane, my love," he whispered again, kissing her soft cheek. "It is time to wake up."

-xxx-

Jane stirred and sleepily opened her dark eyes, smiling as she saw who had woken her up. Tom smiled at her and gave her a soft kiss on her head before helping her up from the mattress. She was not as limber as she used to and the help was welcomed. Tom had put a tray with breakfast on the table.

Tom's sudden loss of memory had almost made her forget about her birthday. It felt odd not to be at home at Chawton, but here in the arms of Tom. A year ago she had not thought she would every lay eyes on Tom again, let alone be engaged to be his wife. She had thought she was destined to live out her hopes and dreams in her novels.

The last days' events had reminded her how feeble life was and how it could change in just an instant. Jane decided then and there to, from now on, live her life to the fullest. There was no turning back and Jane embraced what life would throw at her. As long as Tom was by her side she felt she could conquer anything.

"What are you thinking?" Tom interrupted her string of thoughts.

Jane smiled, "Oh, merely on how different my life has become. I had given up this dream many years ago. But here I am…"

"Yes, Jane, here you are," said Tom and took her hand.

"I still cannot believe this is for real. This life with you. Our life together…" Jane found it hard to put words to the flow of emotions that swelled up inside of her.

"I know, my love," said Tom and brought her hand up to his lips, brushing it gently. "But you better start believing, because it is for real. And I am not planning on going anywhere soon." Jane smiled, but did not meet his eyes. Tom caressed her cheek and tilted her chin up. Blue met hazel in a gaze that said more than a thousand words could ever do.

"I know," she whispered.

They ate their breakfast in silence, contemplating on how their lives had changed. No words were necessary. They knew exactly what the other was thinking.

-xxx-

When her father and Miss Austen did not arrive as planned in the late afternoon, Jane Lefroy was slightly worried. For the sake of her brothers and sister she remained calm and blamed her father's tardiness on the weather and most probably troublesome roads. Had she really expected them to arrive just as planned when it had fallen more snow in a few days than she ever had seen in her twelve year old life?

"Has my sister not arrived yet, Miss Lefroy?" asked Miss Cassandra Austen, when Jane for the fifth time peered out into the darkness in hopes of seeing lights indicating an approaching carriage.

"No," replied she sullenly.

"And there has been now word to explain the lateness?"

"I have not heard anything, Miss Austen."

"Then I am sure they will be here soon, Miss Lefroy," smiled Miss Austen. "Had anything happened I am sure we would have heard about it by now," she continued. Jane knew she was right, but could not help but to worry. Since her mother's death she had come to rely on her father and Miss Jane Austen to be there for ever. And at the same time she had learned that life could end quickly and almost without warning. Jane prayed for her father and Miss Jane Austen's safe return home.

-xxx-

After a light lunch Tom and Jane found themselves being homeward bound. Tom could not get home fast enough. He missed his children greatly and wanted to have them in his arms as soon as humanly possible. The roads proved to be fairly cleared of snow, but the journey progressed painfully slowly.

Tom had left instructions with Mr Phelps, utterly convinced that the young gentleman would execute them without any flaw. Mr Phelps had proved to be an excellent care taker in Tom's absence and Tom was sure that Mr Phelps would not let him down. Not many men would have done what Mr Phelps had in order to save him. Few would have risked their own life like that.

Tom sent Mr Phelps and his wife a thankful thought as he nibbled on a sandwich. He looked forward to enrich his staff with their services. They would need more hands when they moved to Carrigglas since the estate was so much larger. Tom liked to have a more personal relationship with his help and he had found that they stayed on longer and were more reliable if you took the time to take interest in their lives.

"Well my dear, I believe we are in grave need of a sledge," cried Tom when they for the forth time got stuck in the snow. Jane laughed softly at his outburst.

The part of the road they were now travelling was poorly cleared and they had to take it very slow. Tom got out, aiding the driver in his attempts to get the carriage movable again. At this rate they would not be home for another couple of hours and behind schedule. He dearly hoped that this would not be a reason for alarm at home. Hopefully they would be sensible enough to blame their tardiness on the weather.

-xxx-

Jane Austen could see that Tom was getting anxious. Their progress was very slow and the darkness did not make the task of getting home any easier. Jane too longed to be off the road and back in front of a warm fire, surrounded by Tom's children. Listening on how Tom told them all about their adventure in the snow.

She prayed for them not to be much upset about them being late. She was worried that there had been word of them not reaching the inn as planned, but Mr Phelps had visited the inn when he went for the physician and informed them that Mr Lefroy and Miss Austen was safe and sound at Carrigglas and they need not worry or send word that they were missing. She had not heard a report that word had been sent out.

The thought of such news finding her mother and sister at Chawton would be devastating for them. Jane's hand flew up to her chest as she let out a gasp of anxiety. But she soon composed herself again. Surely no word had been sent to worry her family.

With a slight rocking motion the carriage was free from the snow that had hindered its way.

"Here we go again," Tom smiled as he climbed back into the carriage and nestled down beside her under the rug.

"You are cold, my dear," whispered she as she took his hands in hers. She brought them up to her mouth and blew on them.

"Funny, I do not feel cold at all," said he with a mischievous smile spreading on his face. "Not with you by my side." He still managed to make her feel twenty years old again, still making her stomach flutter with anticipation and bewilderment. A hint of redness crept onto her cheeks and her eyes began to sparkle.

"Get us home, Mr Lefroy," said she, soberly. "I long to see the children."

"As you wish, dearest," smiled he and kissed her hands.

-xxx-

Finally a glimmer of light came on the road. Jane Lefroy let out a sigh of relief.

"Here they are now!" cried she to the others. Guests had come and been sent home and the only ones that remained were Mrs Austen, Miss Austen and Mr Lefroy. Miss Cassandra looked up from her handwork and smiled.

"Better late than never," said she.

"At last!" cried Mrs Austen. Mr Lefroy, however, took the news more calmly and only smiled.

"Millie, they are here!" cried Jane Lefroy. "Make haste! We must set the table!" Jane left the room hurriedly in search of the maid.

**-TBC-**

_**Author's note:**__ I know it was short, and kind of lame. I promise the next chapter will be more eventful!_


	41. Hopes and Dreams

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: __I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 41: In which**** hopes and dreams fills the air**

At last the main house was in sight. Tom was exhausted from the pushing of the carriage every few miles and longed to see his children. He usually missed them when he was away, but this time it was more serious. It was like he had not seen them for ages. He could not get out of the carriage fast enough and hurriedly helped Jane out before rushing to the door and entering his home.

They were awfully late and he realised that the guests had come and gone without seeing the birthday girl. Tom did not mind really as he was glad that he could spend the evening alone with his family and Jane's. Perhaps this was a more suitable way to celebrate Jane's birthday after all. She had said she did not want anything big, had she not?

"Papa!" Jane Lefroy flung herself around his neck, closely followed by the rest of his children.

"Careful child! I am old and cannot bare the lot of you!" chuckled he as he tried his best to make his arms embrace them all. Soon he found himself on the floor with his children on top of him. A soft laughter brought his eyes up. "Miss Austen, a little help?"

"I think it looks like you have it under control," smiled she as she took her coat off and handed it to Jones. The bundle of humans on the floor got up and corrected their clothes, realising how inappropriate they were behaving. Tom was the last to get up, he brushed off his coat and drew a hand through his hair, smiling at his children.

"We were worried when you did not come as you had said," said Anthony.

"Yes, very," his sister Jane agreed, looking very grave.

"The roads were not as free of snow as one would have hoped," said Tom. "But we are here now, are we not?"

"At last!" cried Anne. "We have been waiting for ages. Everybody has left." As soon as the words were out of her mouth she realised what she had said and clutched her hands over her mouth, looking with big eyes on her older sister. "I am sorry..."

"Do not worry," said her sister. "I am quite certain Miss Austen had figured it out anyway."

Jane looked at them, "What do you mean?" Jane Lefroy looked at Tom for approval and he nodded. No use to try and keep it a secret now.

"We were planning a surprise party for you, Miss Austen, but since you were late all the guests have gone home," said his eldest daughter.

"I see," said Jane with a smile. She had known all along, of course. "I am sorry that I have missed my own birthday celebration."

"Oh, there are still a few guests here that want to see you," Anthony said with a mischievous smile.

"Is there?" Jane did look surprised. Tom smiled.

"Escort Miss Austen to the dining room, Jane," said he. His daughter nodded and offered Miss Austen her arm and the rest of the children followed.

-xxx-

Jane Austen was surprised to hear that there was still someone there to see her. As she followed the children to the dining room she wondered who it might be. Henry and Eliza perhaps. But they would not leave their children. Her sister? But she would not leave their mother. Excitement spread throughout her body and she hurried her steps, eager to see who it was.

As they entered the dining room she was surprised to find her sister and mother seated at the table.

"Cassandra! Mamma!" cried she, happily surprised, and hurried over to them, too excited to notice the elderly gentleman who was sitting on the other end of the large table.

"Jane! You are finally home!" Her sister fell into her arms, embracing her tightly. "How was the journey?"

"A troublesome ordeal," replied Jane. "But we are here now, that is all that matters. I cannot believe you are here." She kissed them both.

"Tom asked us to come and look after the children while you were away. We came just after you left," said her mother.

"I had no idea, I thought they were just planning a party," said Jane, glad that Tom had been thoughtful enough to send for her mother and sister. He kept on showing what a thoughtful man he had turned out to be. He would make a wonderful husband.

"We will stay for Christmas," said Cassandra. Jane lit up in another bright smile.

"That is wonderful news!" Then she thought of Eliza and Henry. "If only Henry were here too. I long to see him and Eliza and the children."

"I am sure something can be arranged," said Tom who had entered the dining room. Jane turned to him.

"Would not that be too much trouble? I mean will there be enough room?" Jane looked worried.

"I think we can manage," smiled he. "If it will make you happy, my dear."

"But what about your family? Are not they coming?"

"Oh, but they live so close they need not to stay the night," came a deep voice from the other side of the room. Jane turned to find Mr Lefroy, Tom's dad, smiling at her. She hurried over to take his hands in a late greeting. "They always come on Christmas Eve, but never stay the night."

"But with this snow..." Jane was not convinced.

"I have already written to Henry and invited them," Tom confessed. "And my brothers and sisters will be joining us for Christmas Eve, and perhaps New Years Eve. I thought a ball would be suitable entertainment for us."

"A ball?" Now Jane Lefroy looked surprised. "You never said anything about a ball!"

"Yes, a ball. Miss Austen's first, but certainly not last, as mistress of this household," said Tom. "The invitations have already been sent out."

"You devil, you never said a word!" Jane Austen was baffled. It was too much. "Is there really enough time to be planning a ball?"

"I think you will find your mother and sister has already made some plans for you, Millie and Mrs Jones will help with the menu." Jane looked at her mother and sister, who were both smiling encouragingly. Then she looked at the children who all looked positively bewildered by the idea of a New Years ball, and that settled that.

-xxx-

Tom was afraid he had gone too far when he had decided on the ball. But with Mrs and Miss Austen as well as Mrs Henry Austen there, he was sure it would not be too much trouble. Jane looked absolutely overwhelmed.

"Then I find myself persuaded," Jane said with a smile. Tom let out a sigh of relief. "You are truly full of surprises, Mr Lefroy."

"And I intend to keep on surprising you for the rest of your life, Miss Austen," said Tom with a devilish smile. A soft redness crept onto Jane's cheeks as she smiled brilliantly at him. Her eyes glittered with such affection that he lost his breath and could but smile back and they were lost in each other's eyes.

"Papa, dinner is served," said his eldest daughter and broke the enchantment. Tom looked around as if awaking after a long slumber. Everyone's eyes were turned towards him and Jane. And no one had missed the affection they felt for one another, and soft smiles played on their lips.

Tom and Jane were asked a million questions about the new house. Was it big? How many rooms? Could they all have separate rooms? When could they move in? The questions made it easy for them not to discuss Tom's accident and memory loss. They had decided it was best not to say anything about it in front of the children. They were easily worried as it was. Tom did not feel the need to trouble his father with it either.

He was happy to see that his children were all eager to move. Perhaps they, as he did, felt the need of a new beginning. His father did not seem as excited though. The move to Carriglas meant that Tom and his family would be farther away. Tom had of course assured him that he was only a mere couple of hours away, and that he was welcome to stay whenever he wanted.

It was very late when they at last could retire for the night. The children had long been asleep in front of the fire, neither Jane nor Tom had the heart to send them to bed in time. They had been fantasising about the new house and how they were to decorate their rooms. Tom had promised to take them in the early spring to choose their rooms and decorate them after their own head.

-xxx-

Jane was so tired she could hardly keep her eyes open. Her mother had retired to her room, but Cassandra was sitting next to her in front of the warm fire. Tom had left them to see his children to bed.

"Tell me about Carriglas, Jane," asked Cassandra.

"Oh, Cassie, it is the most beautiful estate I have ever seen," said Jane and smiled dreamingly. She got lost in the dream of filling the house with little children again for a short while, but reminded herself that it was only a dream. A dream that was not likely to come true. "The balls that I can throw there. And so many rooms! I cannot wait to show it to you!"

"It sounds like there will be plenty of room for the family to grow," suggested Cassandra cautiously. She had always had the ability to read her sisters mind. Children were something they both had dreamed of.

"There is, but…" Jane looked away, trying to hide the sad look on her face.

"But what?"

"I am not young anymore, Cassandra."

"You are not old either, sister. There is still time."

"Perhaps, but do not get my hopes up. The chance of me bearing a child is very little, and as much as I would want to give Tom a child… No it is best not to think about it," Jane said decidedly.

"Always so sensible," said Cassandra.

"Yes, it is for the best. God will bless me with a child if it is meant to be."

-xxx-

Tom stood in the dark hallway and listened on Jane and her sister's conversation. As much as it gave him joy to hear Jane talk of another child, it pained him to hear her regard it as only a dream. He knew of many women who had had children in her age. But then again, neither of them had been with child for the first time. Tom could only tell from Mary's pregnancies, and not all of them had been easy, but she had been younger and able to handle it. Jane was no youth and Tom would not have her go through with anything that would harm her.

But the thought of another child, Jane's child, was overwhelming. Tom could only imagine what she would look like carrying his child under her heart and he was sure pregnancy would become her very well.

**-TBC-**

_**Author's note:**__ I hope you liked it. I'm trying to fast forward, but new things just happen to pop up in my head as I write. So… you have to bear with the story a bit longer. Reviews are always appreciated!_


	42. We're having a Ball

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: I know it's been ages! I'm so, so sorry, but my muse kind of went on holiday and then Lizzie and Darcy invaded my head… But here we go anyways, thanks for bearing with me.

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**Part 42: In which we're having a ball**

More merry days followed after Jane Austen's birthday. She enjoyed having her mother and sister close and their help in planning the ball. The ball occupied her thoughts, chasing any dreams of becoming a mother out. But at night, the dreams caught up with her. At the age of 39 she was quite certain that being blessed with a child was only that, a dream. There was no use in pining after something that was not likely to happen. Jane pushed all thoughts on children aside, and focused on being thankful for the children that were in her life, as well as her new family.

Christmas Eve came with some of Tom's siblings and Mr and Mrs Henry Austen. Jane truly enjoyed entertaining their guests and was really starting to look forward to having the ball, even though it was a big undertaking. Her mother and sister had done most of the planning so far and it was only down to the last details now, such as dinner and refreshments. She wanted to do well on her first try. And though she was now officially accepted in the parish, a ball was always appreciated by the socialites in the community.

Tom had invited most of the important people and even some of the less important people. Perhaps some would have frowned at that, but Tom liked to include everyone, and Jane liked that about him. He did not forget his own less fortunate child hood. Even if he had money now, he had earned his place in the community by being friendly to all who deserved it and helping those in need. Much thanks to Mary's kind nature, Jane had understood. Jane's family had done the same to the less fortunate families in their little village. Jane remembered a time when he would rather not be seen in the company of those inferior to him.

They had both come a long way since then. Growing mature and sensible. And now, they were going to grow old together. Jane's heart skipped a beat when she thought about it. _Growing old together. Together for the rest of their life. Till death did them part._. Jane's heart fluttered even more and she brought a hand up as to still it.

Keeping busy proved to be the best remedy for keeping longing thoughts in place. Even though most tasks were already done, there still remained a lot to do. Throwing a ball was not something that could be arranged in a jiffy. After all, Rome was not built in one day. Jane was very thankful her mother, sister and Eliza were there to help her. Otherwise she would not have managed it all.

-xxx-

With Jane wrapped up in preparation for the ball, Tom was left to catch up on his correspondences and such. He was happy to be at home, surrounded by family and friends. Gifts were exchanged and games were played. The weather did not really allow for anything else, apart from the mandatory trips to church, that was.

It was a time of joy. Tom was happy to see his family accepting Jane with open arms and enjoyed her company. The house was never empty or quiet and he truly longed for the move to Carrigglas. The current house was simply getting too small. Luckily he still had a safe haven in his library. Jane and he usually had their afternoon tea there nowadays. Sometimes they stayed on for hours and read to each other, or just talking.

But now they were both too busy with other tasks to discuss literature in the light of a fire. Tom missed their little rendezvous, but knew there would be time to have them for the rest of their lives. He felt the rest of their life could not come soon enough. For some reason he could not feel at ease until Jane was legally his wife. Too much had happened in their past for him to believe everything would turn out great just yet. There was still the matter with Mary's parents. He hoped they could see passed their differences to see that their grand children needed them too.

He had invited them to the ball. Not because he wanted them there, but for the children's sake. They had declined, of course. Perhaps the wound still was too sore. Or Mr and Mrs Paul were more stuck up than he had imagined. He wondered how they had managed to bring up such an angel as Mary had been. Well, if they did not want to be a part of their grandchildren's life, then who was he to force them?

Bemused he watched Jane prepare for the ball. She was so well organised and knew just how to prioritise. She seemed to have everything under control and the night before she was happy to declare everything done. They shared a late cup of tea in the library in front of the fire before going to bed.

"Are you happy, my love," asked Tom as she let out a sigh of relief.

"I am," smiled she. "I am very satisfied with my first ball. At least so far. Ask me again tomorrow!" They shared a laugh.

"I will. And I am sure it will be to everybody's satisfaction," said Tom. "It cannot be any other way when you are the one who has planned it all."

"Flattery gets you thus far, my dear Tom," Jane smiled. "But we will see tomorrow."

-xxx-

New Year's morning found the Lefroys and Austens early at the breakfast table. The room was buzzing with anticipation for the evening's ball. The children could barely sit still for all the excitement of having a ball in their house. It was nothing that had happened regularly and since their mother died they had not had many visitors. Now the prospect of a room full of beautifully dressed people filled them with jitters.

"I cannot believe it is tonight," Jane Lefroy mused. "Oh, what are we to do all day? The time is going so fast."

"The weather is nice enough for spending sometime outside in the snow if you dress properly," said her father. The younger children lit up and clapped their hands. Playing in the snow was one of their favourite things. The children quickly excused themselves to get dressed for a day in the snow.

-xxx-

Jane Austen sat by her window looking down at the playing children, longingly. She almost wished she was little again and allowed to tumble around in the soft snow. It was something soothing and calming about the pristine whiteness outside. Even if she was nervous about the coming night, she felt calm when looking out into the whiteness. With Tom by her side she knew it was going to be a success.

She fingered on the dress she was soon to put on. It was pale yellow and resembled the one she had worn at Lady Graham's ball. She had instructed the seamstress to make it as she wanted it, even if the fashion was not the same. Jane had loved that dress and she had had her first kiss in it. Nothing could be better suited for her first ball. She smiled as she remembered how shy she had been after her bold kiss. The memory of that one chaste kiss brought a slight redness to her cheeks, even so many years later. If anyone had seen her at that moment they might say she was glowing.

Millie came to help her with her eventing toilette.

"Miss Austen, you look absolutely marvellous tonight," exclaimed she."Master will be pleased, I am sure." Jane blushed at the compliment. Even if she considered herself looking exceptionally well this evening, it was always different to hear someone else say it.

"I do hope so," smiled Jane. _It is all for him_, she added silently as she studied her reflexion in the mirror. Her hair was made up in an artful way, and a few strands played around her delicate face. Pearls gleamed from a few places among her dark curls. She was very satisfied with the way she looked tonight.

"Master will not be able to keep his eyes off of you, Miss," said Millie. Jane had grown accustomed to Millie's way of always saying what was on her mind, and with Jane Millie did not have to keep it in check.

-xxx-

Tom nearly lost his breath as Jane come down the stairs. She was positively radiant tonight. She looked more sure of herself than he had seen in a very long time.

"Madame Austen," said he, bowed slightly and offered her his arm.

"Mr Lefroy, a pleasure," smiled she and took his arm.

"And may I say, you look exceptionally splendid this evening," said he as he steered her in the direction of the large dining room.

"You may. And I might say likewise, Mr Lefroy," said Jane. They entered the large room and Tom felt Jane draw a deep breath. He studied her face closely as she looked around the room. Her expression changed into surprise. Tom knew his staff had outdone themselves. The room looked marvellous. Subtly lit with hundreds of little candles. All according to Jane's wishes, of course.

A small orchestra had been hired for the occasion and Tom thought they would try it out before all the guest arrived.

"Would you like to dance?" he asked.

"Now?"

"Why not?"

"We are all alone."

"That was kind of the idea. I wanted to have a moment with you before others come and steal you away," said Tom. "Besides, the orchestra needs to warm up too."

"Oh, when you put it like that..." smiled Jane and gave him her hand. Tom gestured to the conductor to start playing. "I am beginning to think you had this planned all along."

"Perhaps," smiled Tom secretly. They stood facing each other. Tom had chosen this particular dance just for her, in remembrance of their first dance at Basingstoke Assembly, the Country dance. Jane smile slightly as she realised it. It was a bit odd dancing it just the two of them, but they managed.

-xxx-

Jane Lefroy stifled a giggle. Watching her father and Miss Austen dancing all alone in that big hall looked quite odd. But the love that shone through their eyes when the looked at each others made her more serious. Even if she missed her mother, she was glad that Miss Austen was in their life. Jane knew she would be a very good substitute.

Jane was happy that her father had allowed her to have a new gown sewn up for her. It was pale blue muslin and she adored it. Millie had helped her with her hair and she looked older than her twelve years. It would be the first ball she had attended. Her younger siblings were to just be attending the first hours and then go to bed.

She stood with her sister in the shadows watching her father dance with Miss Austen when Anthony came with their brothers.

"Look, Anthony, are not that the prettiest sight?" asked Jane, breathlessly. "I wish I find someone that will love me like that."

"I am sure you will," said Anthony, quietly. "I am happy for papa, but it is times like these when I miss mamma the most." Jane looked at her brother and put a hand on his arm.

"I know, me too," said she, equally quiet. "But this is a happy day! Let us go join papa and Miss Austen. The guests will be arriving soon."

-xxx-

Jane Austen did not want to leave Tom's arms. She felt so secure with him by her side. And the dancing, how she loved dancing. Tom was a most attentive partner and the country dance took her back to Basingstoke and a December eventing many years ago. It was almost magical. She could have stayed like that for the rest of the night, but the guests were due to arrive at any time.

"Miss Austen, papa?" Jane Lefroy's tentative voice reached them. Jane turned to her and saw her with her siblings in the doorway.

"Miss Lefroy!" cried Jane. "Come on in!" She smiled widely and bent down to gather all of the children in her arms. "You all look very handsome and pretty, indeed." Jane Lefroy blushed a little at the compliment. Anthony tugged at his jacket. The younger ones were just beaming with excitement.

"What a splendid idea, papa," cried Jane Lefroy. "I think I shall love this night for ever."

"Now, Jane, I am sure there will be other nights, just as special as this one," Tom said.

"But this is the first. And I shall treasure it, always," smiled Jane Lefroy dreamingly. She made a small hop and took a few dance steps.

Tom smiled and bow slightly, offering her his hand, "May I have this dance, Miss Lefroy?" Jane Lefroy giggled and happily accepted. Jane smiled at the two of them.

"Miss Austen, may I have this dance?" Anthony spoke up.

"Why, of course, Mr Lefroy," said Jane with a curtsey. The orchestra started again on Tom's mark. With two dancing couples and the little ones trying to keep up the best they could it was a little bit easier to dance.

"I hope you do not plan to wear yourself out, sister," came Henry Austen's thunderous voice. He was flanked by his mother, wife and sister.

"Oh, Henry, I am sure I can manage to dance a full night yet," said Jane, without slowing down.

"I do not doubt you still have many dancing years ahead of you, dear sister," Henry said, smiling. "I came to inform you that our guests are arriving."

"Thank you, brother," smiled Jane, still dancing. "We better go greet them."

Needless to say, the evening was a success. Many of the guests voiced a sadness over the Lefroys leaving Limerick for Carrigglas. They would have liked to see the New Years Ball become a new tradition.

Jane was very happy to see all of the guests enjoying themselves, as well as her family. She danced almost every dance and when the eventing was through she was exhausted. Happy, but utterly exhausted. The whole experience of being the hostess was a bit overwhelming, but she had enjoyed being the centre of attention. Everybody wanted to tell her how they enjoyed themselves, how beautiful the room looked, how good the food tasted and how well mannered the children were. There was no end to the praise she got.

"Are you happy, my dear?" Tom asked as they waved off the last of the guests. He wrapped an arm around her waist and steered her towards the staircase.

"I am, very happy indeed. It was a most splendid night," smiled she and leaned into him.

"It was." His hand caressed the side of her body.

"I shall be sad to leave this place. It holds many happy memories. And sad." She thought of Mary and sent her a loving thought. "Even if I have only been here for a short time, I have felt at home here."

"But now the future holds a new home. Our home," whispered Tom in her ear.

"A home where we can make new memories," whispered Jane back, and smiled in the dark. Tom placed a small kiss on her cheek.

"Yes. Our memories, our future. Together."

"Together." As they reached the top of the stairs she turned to him and took his face in her hands. "I love you Tom Lefroy."

"And I love you, Jane Austen." And then he kissed her.

**-TBC-

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_Author's note: Thank you for your patience with this story. Now I will fast forward a bit again. I'm beginning to feel that this story is coming to an end. I'm really having trouble making up new things for it. I mean there has been enough drama, don't you think? ;) Until next time, let me know what you think in a review. _


	43. We're having a wedding

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story.  
_

_Author's note: I know it's been ages! I'm so, so sorry, but I really don't want this story to end. But alas, it has to… I claim artistic freedom when it comes to the wedding, even if I have used the Common book of Prayer as a starting point. Just so you know... _

**Part 43: In which we're having a wedding**

_**July 1815**_

Jane Austen could hardly believe the wedding was tomorrow. She could hardly believe it was _her_ wedding tomorrow. Even more difficult it was to believe it was Mr Tom Lefroy she was marrying. The day that she had dreamed of for so long had finally come. The day when she became Mrs Thomas Langlois Lefroy.

She had been to the seamstress earlier in the week for her final fitting and now she could not stop admiring the dress that hung opposite her bed. The dress was perfect. It was really a dream come true. She had always imagined this kind of dress when she had allowed herself to dream of marriage. But she had never thought she would wear it. The lacing was delicate and the dress was modest enough for an aging, though blushing, bride.

The day was beautiful and perfect for a summer wedding. Carrigglas was brewing with excitement and preparations for the wedding luncheon which was to be held out on the lawn after the ceremony. They had moved into their new home only a month earlier. But with the construction going on they had both been there to and fro the whole spring. They had also been able to make preparations for the wedding in the new parish. Mr and Mrs Phelps proved to be very useful. And as soon as they moved, Mrs and Miss Austen came to join them again.

Jane had not needed to do much herself. Millie made sure the children were cared for and her sister and mother made arrangements for the wedding luncheon, only letting Jane decide the menu and the seating. They managed everything else, from flowers, music and servants to guest list. So Jane had been free to decorate the house and the suit she and Tom were to share after the wedding.

Now, after months of planning, the day had finally come. Jane woke early, and as usual took a stroll in the gardens before breakfasting. Her stomach was aflutter and she did not know how she would make the time go until it was time to go to church. She let the sunshine warm her face as she walked down to the newly planted rose garden. It would not show its full potential until next summer, but it was still as soothing as Mary's in Limerick had been. But this was Jane's garden, she had decided which plants were to be planted where together with their gardener.

Jane had not seen Tom since last night, since it was tradition that the bride and groom did not see each other before the wedding. They had not spent more than a few days apart since Christmas and Jane missed him already, even if she knew she would see him in only a couple of hours.

The serenity calmed her nerves down and she could start to look forward to the day. From time to time she still could not believe this was all happening to her. It did not happen as frequently as it had before, she had slowly begun to understand that this was her life now. Carrigglas was her home and Tom was to be her husband.

-xxx-

Tom Lefroy was watching his wife to be from his window. This was the last time he slept away from her. From tonight they were sharing a suit on the second floor. Jane had decorated it as she saw fit. He had not yet seen it as she had told him it was her gift to him. His gift was a cherry orchard, imitated from Lady Gresham's estate, complete with a water feature and all. It was placed in a far corner where Jane seldom ventured so he had not even mentioned it to her. He looked forward to take her there later that night.

Tom felt like a child on Christmas Day. Time crept slowly forward and he had a hard time keeping himself busy. The weather was excellent and since Jane had disappeared inside again, he went for a walk, inspecting the orchard once again. He had asked Millie to light some lanterns after dinner and put out a basket with refreshments for the newly weds.

He found it hard to believe this day had finally come. Within merely a few hours Jane Austen was going to walk down the aisle in the parish church and become his wife. There had been a time when the only way he had thought it possible to be with her was to elope. But not anymore. His uncle was long gone and Tom was well on his way to make a name for himself without his uncle's help. Of course he realised what would have happened if Jane had not been sensible enough to leave him at the inn, half way to Gretna Green. They would have struggled and their love would probably not have been enough.

Tom inspected the orchard, and it was everything he could have hoped for. In a few years it would be splendid. Tom was very satisfied with his work and could not wait to show his wife. _His wife_, the word made his heart skip a beat and a smile spread on his face. He felt ready to face the day and all it contained.

Tom returned to the house to get dressed. Mr Phelps helped him on with the light grey satin suit. His nerves were getting the best of him as he sat down in the carriage to take him to church. He had his sons with him, but his daughters were riding with Jane.

"Are you excited, papa?" Anthony asked.

"Yes," was all Tom managed to say as the church came into view. The carriage came to a stop and Tom got out, followed by his sons. His father greeted him with a smile and a squeeze of his hands. It was going to a pretty small wedding, and Tom knew that it was exactly what Jane would want.

-xxx-

Jane's stomach twitched with anticipation as she got out of the carriage. In a very short time she would be married to Tom. A smile spread over her face and she let out her breath. This was going to be a splendid day.

The girls were greeted by their grandfather who also greeted Jane with a large smile. He, her mother and the children went inside the church together. Jane was left with her brother, sister and cousin. Eliza and Cassandra kissed her and smoothed her dress and made sure her hair was as she wanted it.

Jane pinched her cheeks for some colour and took a very deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Pinch me," said she. "I think I may be dreaming." Eliza and Cassandra laughed.

"This is real, dearest Jane," said Cassandra and hugged her as tight as she dared.

"And there is none more deserving," said Henry. Jane smiled shakily as she took him by the arm. Eliza and Cassandra preceded them into the church. "You look wonderful," whispered Henry as they entered the church.

By the alter Tom was waiting for her, and she smiled. Henry gave her a kiss on the cheek as they reached the altar and then she was on her own.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony," said the solemn minister and Jane's heart started racing. This was really happening. It was not a dream. She was standing next to Tom in front of their families and friends, to become husband and wife. She glanced over at Tom and found that he looked equally exhilarated. Jane hardly heard what the minister was saying.

"Therefore if any man can shew any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace." Jane held her breath. She had not seen anyone how would say anything, and she knew minister had to say the words, but still, some anxiety made her uncertain. Perhaps the Pauls had shown up? But there was only silence and soon Jane could relax fully.

The minister continued: "I require and charge of you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed, that if either of you know of any impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured, that so many as are coupled together otherwise that God's Word doth allow are not joined together by God; neither is their Matrimony lawful."

Jane stole another glance of her dear Tom and he looked so handsome in his light grey suit, his eyes shone brightly, and his hair was uncommonly tame. Her heart swelled with emotion and love for this man that stood beside her now.

-xxx-

Tom's heart was full as was his head. He had trouble concentrating on what the minister was saying, all he wanted to do was to have the service over with and to be pronounced Jane's husband. He had been just a tad worried that someone would speak up when asked, but no one had and he was now more relaxed.

"Thomas Langlois Lefroy, wilt thou have this Woman to thy wedded Wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony. Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, as long as you both shall live?"

Tom's heart quickened when he said, "I will." He glanced over at Jane and smiled when he caught her eye.

The minister turned to Jane; "Jane Austen, wilt though have this Man to thy wedded Husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey hem, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, as long as ye both shall live?"

"I will," said Jane and smiled.

"Who giveth this Woman to this man?" Henry stepped forward and gave Jane's hand to the minister who then took Tom's hand too. They gave their vows and Tom took out their wedding band and placed it on the book. The minister gave the ring back to Tom to place on Jane's left hand. "Repeat after me: With this Ring, I thee wed, with my Body I thee worship, and with all my worldly Goods I thee endow: In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen." Tom repeated and left the ring on Jane's finger. They knelt down and the minister continued: "Let us pray."

Tom let his mind drift, spoke when he was supposed to, but longed for them to be alone together. The thought sent shivers down his spine and he looked down at their entwined hands and had visions of another kind of entwinement.

"For as much as Thomas and Jane have consented together in holy Wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and his company, and thereto have given and pledged their troth either to other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving of a Ring, and by joining of hands; I pronounce that they be Man and Wife together, In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

"God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost, bless, preserve and keep you, the Lord mercifully with his favour look upon you; and so fill you with all spiritual benediction and grace, that ye may have life ever lasting. Amen."

After a psalm and some readings by the minister they were truly man and wife. With Jane on his arm, Tom strode out of the church to receive congratulations from his friends and family. Jane was finally his for ever, and ever.

**-TBC-**

_Author's note: Yes, another chapter is coming. And hopefully a lot sooner this time. Thank you so much for bearing with me! _


	44. They Share Sweet Kisses and Such

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**Part 44: In which they Share Sweet Kisses and Such**

Jane Austen could not remember a more festive or joyous time. Everybody was so happy for them. She had never smiled so much, and her cheeks hurt. For all around people wanted to congratulate her and Tom. She hardly knew where to turn. And all the while Tom was by her side, never letting her go.

The luncheon was also splendid. Not a dull moment, but all Jane could think about was to be alone with Tom. She wanted to show him the work she had done to their apartment. She wanted to be in his embrace and to just relish on the fact that they now were bound together for ever. Nothing could change that now. No one could come between them ever again.

Jane was happy that her family was there to celebrate with them, as well as Tom's father. She could see that the children were enjoying themselves and she smiled at Jane Lefroy who came to join her and her father. The guests had begun begging them for their wedding dance. The small orchestra had begun setting up their instruments.

"We are ready to see you dance now," said Jane Lefroy. Tom smiled at his daughter and took his wife under the arm and steered her toward the designated dancing area. The guests swarmed around them and cheered.

Jane felt so at home in Tom's arms and soon the guests disappeared and she had only eyes for him. She felt light at her feet, almost floating above ground, and she could not help but smile. She was truly as happy as she had ever been. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment.

As much as she enjoyed being with family and friends she longed to be alone with Tom. The evening could not come soon enough. Suddenly she regretted that they had not planned to go away, and then they would have truly been alone. Perhaps Tom would be persuaded to make a little trip soon.

"There is something I need to show you," whispered Tom in her ear as the dance was over. His breath that tickled her ear sent her blood boiling.

"I cannot wait till we are alone," whispered Jane back.

"Me neither," he breathed and embraced her. It was the most natural gesture, but Jane felt embarrassed. They had not been able to show their affections in public for so long, it almost felt forbidden. A warm feeling spread in her body and she was filled with joy and a more primitive intimate feeling. A feeling that had become more and more frequent as of late.

Jane was easily persuaded to wave good bye to her guests. She tried not to notice the meaningful glances that were exchanged by some of them. But she could not help the heat that rose on her cheeks.

The luncheon had been going on for longer than they had anticipated, and it was late afternoon when Tom steered Jane away from their friends and family and toward the more secluded area of their gardens. She wondered why, but did not say anything. She was quite happy just to be with him, away from the others. Alone.

-xxx-

"Close your eyes," Tom whispered as they got closer to his surprise. He could hardly contain his excitement. He wondered how she would react to his present. He hoped she would enjoy it as much as he already did. They needed a sanctuary of their own. Somewhere where they could be totally and utterly themselves, without having to think about anybody else. Not that they really needed a retreat like that, but still, with its likeness of the orchard at Lady Gresham's estate, he hoped it would be a favourite place for them. A place to relive the past and perhaps a certain evening in January in their youth.

Jane gripped his hand tighter and stepped carefully on the ground. He held her around her small waist and would not let her fall.

"I have got you," said he softly into her ear. A smile spread of her face as she relaxed a bit. "Only a little bit further, now."

The evening was warm and they would not have to return to the house for some time. Millie had done her duty and laid some blankets and all the necessities for a romantic evening among newly weds. The thought made Tom shiver with anticipation and he held Jane closer to him.

"Are you ready, my dear?" asked he was they came to the orchard. He could spot the place where Millie put the refreshments.

"Yes," said she, a little bit breathless.

"Open your eyes, my love," whispered Tom and stood aside, to take in her reaction. He watched her eyes focus on the sight before her and then the surprise and then wonderment that played over her sweet countenance.

It was not so long ago when he had thought he would never see her again. Now they would never be parted again.

"Oh, Tom," breathed Jane and turned to look at him. Her dark eyes were filled with tears, but she smiled. "It is beautiful! How did you manage it?"

"It was nothing," said he, waving it off. "I would do anything for the woman I love."

"It is really too much!"

"I wanted to do it. I have always looked back at that evening and wanted something similar myself. Now we have a secluded place for just the two of us." She smiled softly.

"Thank you," said she and took his hand and steered him into the orchard. "I cannot believe I did not know!" Jane looked around, wide eyed and beautiful. Tom smiled and pressed her hand. "Let me show you something," said he and steered her to the water feature. Millie had put their refreshments there and he took out the champagne and uncorked it with a poof. She smiled. He filled two glasses and handed her one of them. "To the love of my life." He clinked her glass.

Jane was too busy to study the water feature to be able to drink. He could hardly keep his eyes off of her and was standing a few feet away to just look at her. This was a sight he would be able to enjoy for the rest of his life.

-xxx-

Jane could not believe that Tom had been able to make this happen without her knowing it. She had never been so surprised in her life. Nobody had ever done anything like it for her. With Tom in her life she was really getting spoiled. Life as it should be, she mused as she took a sip of her champagne.

She was quite exhausted from standing up all day, and she sank down on the blanket that was laid out in front of the pond. Tom joined her presently and began unpacking the basket that was standing next to the blanket.

"You have really outdone yourself, Tom," said she as she accepted the plate of cold meat he presented her.

"Anything for my Mrs Lefroy," smiled he.

"And what, pray tell, can Mrs Lefroy do for her Mr Lefroy?" asked Jane playfully. The wine was affecting her and she began to relax and just enjoy herself. She was beginning to feel quite courageous, and now that they were married, she could do what ever she wished. Nobody would care and tell her she was not allowed. That fact was slowly beginning to sink in. Tom was her husband, and she was allowed to embrace him, or kiss him when ever she felt like it. Now all she had to do was to really do all those things. But even now, when they were completely alone, she hesitated.

"I could think of one or two things," said Tom, interrupting her train of thoughts. She coloured and looked away. There were lots of suggestions in that sentence, not to say in his voice. Her stomach tingled and she smiled shyly. She felt her cheeks grow hotter and she looked away. Her mother had informed her of what was expected of her during their wedding night. Jane was not a young girl, but inexperienced as one. And Tom was to be her tutor.

Her heart beat hard and fast, her breath got caught in her throat and she could think of no response. She was on the verge of doing something reckless. She sat up on her knees, leaning forward to him. His eyes widened as he watched her approach, but he did not move. Her bodice felt at least two sizes too small as she tried to stifle her rapid breath. She inched forward and placed her lips on his. If he was startled by her action, he did not show it, but welcomed it by encircling her neck with his arms and drawing her even closer to him.

"Was this one of the things you had in mind?" asked she, breathlessly after a minute of two. Now, her bodice was definitely too small. Her body was reacting in ways she would not have thought possible.

"That was one of the possibilities," said Tom, equally breathless, and smiled widely. "Can I tempt you with a strawberry?" She looked down at the red berry in his hand. The first of the season. She nodded. The sweet flesh of the fruit almost melted in her mouth. It was warm from lying in the sun. She looked up at Tom and smiled.

-xxx-

Tom placed his lips on hers again and could taste the sweet taste of ripe strawberry on her lips and in her mouth. His body readily responded to the taste and he felt a surge of desire rise from deep within him. He gently tipped her over and laid her down on the blanket. His hands were caressing the length of her body and he was awarded with a soft moan. He lay down next to her and just gazed upon her. He could hardly believe she was really his, even if they had been joined together in front of God and everyone.

"Do you still get the feeling that this is not for real?" asked he as he brushed a lock of hair out of her delicate face.

"Constantly," whispered she with a smile. She caressed his face and then took his lips in her possession again. He sighed into her mouth, so happy and filled with love and desire that he could scarcely contain himself. If it was not for the sense of propriety and the risk of them being interrupted, he might have made love to her right there and then. But he was not a young adventurous man anymore, and definitely not limber enough to bed a maid in the garden.

"I cannot tell you how many times I have dreamed of this," he said, equally softly. "You have always had a special place in my heart, a place that no one has been able to fill. Not even Mary, I'm ashamed to say."

"I…" Jane did not seem to be able to find the words. Tears glittered in the long entanglement of her eyelashes as she looked down, unable to meet his eyes. Tom cupped her chin gently and tilted her head up, and forced her to meet his gaze.

"Nothing can keep us apart again, Jane."

She smiled through her tears. "I know. But still…" He silenced her with another kiss to convince just how right he was. He intended to continue convincing her every day if he had to. "I do believe I find myself persuaded," she breathed.

"Shall we continue this picnic in a little more comfortable spot?" Tom asked and winked. Jane's face coloured and she smiled shyly.

"Can we just stay for a moment longer?"

"If you wish it," said Tom. They sat in perfect silence for a while, eating strawberries and sipping on their sparkling wine. The darkness fell around them and the air became cooler. Jane shivered slightly and Tom took that as a cue to sweep her up in his still strong arms and carry her to their apartment. This time he would not take no for an answer.

"Tom," she giggled surprised and a little bit bewildered.

-xxx-

Jane felt young again. The wine was affecting her in a most exhilarating way. Her shyness was slowly beginning to fade and she made no complaints when Tom scooped her up in his arms. She was ready. He took her in by a back door, which was seldom used. The staff had been told to keep out of their part of the estate. He put her down as they got inside.

"I believe it is your turn to show the way," said he. Jane took him by the hand and led him up the stairs. Her stomach was filled with fluttering butterflies as she neared the door that led to their rooms.

"Are you ready?" She turned to him.

"Yes."

She had not been sure as what Tom would expect. She was sure he would like what she had done, and how she had decorated it. She had kept it simple and in light colours. She was really pleased with how it had come together.

She pushed the door open and was happy to see that the room was lit up with candles as requested and she shivered slightly with anticipation as she glanced over at the bed to see if the covers had been turned. They had. Jane's new found courage was suddenly gone and she just felt shy and awkward. She did not dare look at Tom at that moment.

"Jane, this is just as I had imagined it," said Tom as he took a walk around the room they were standing in.

"I am glad you like it," replied she. Her eyes kept landing on the large bed in the adjoining room and she felt an unfamiliar hotness grow in her body. She looked over at Tom to see if he had noticed, but he seemed too busy with inspecting the room. Jane took a deep breath as to cool herself down. This was not like her at all. She was usually so calm and collected, even with him so close.

Perhaps it was just the seriousness of the day wearing off, she pondered. She was exquisitely exhausted with the continuous joyful feeling she felt all day. She longed to creep into bed and fall into a sweet slumber.

Tom was suddenly next to her and she started slightly, but tried not to show how deep in thought she had been. She smiled brightly.

"You are finally mine," he whispered hoarsely and took her in his arms.

"Yes," was all she managed to reply. The hot feeling in her body was all over her body and she got lost in the moment. His lips found hers in a deep and very intimate kiss, so unlike the kisses they had shared before. Jane felt her legs go week and she clung to him for support. "Yes," she breathed again as he took her in his arms, lifted her and carried her to the bed.

-xxx-

Tom found it hard to be calm and gentle as he freed Jane of her wedding attire. He forced himself to take it slow, remembering that this was her first time. He wanted her to enjoy it. The soft sighs and little moans she let out told him that she approved of what he was doing and he got a bit more courageous in his actions. Jane Austen was finally going to be his, utterly and completely, heart and soul, body and mind.

He looked down into her dark eyes, saw the fire that burned in them and smiled.

"I love you," said he. "I love you, heart and soul, Jane."

"And I love you, Tom, heart and soul" replied she with a smile. He kissed her and after that they did not speak for a long time.

Tom was smiling contently into the darkness. "Jane," he whispered.

"Yes?" she answered sleepily, stirring slightly towards him. His body eagerly responded.

"Did I do that well?" He almost chuckled as he uttered the words she had said after kissing him all those years ago.

"Very," said she, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "I cannot believe I have missed out on that for these past 20 years." She laughed softly and turned to him. "I hope I did not disappoint you."

"You could never disappoint me, Jane," Tom answered. "Besides, I promise you will get plenty of training..." The sentences was silenced with a kiss from Jane.

"I am counting on it."

**-TBC-**

_Author's note: I am not entirely ready to let this story go. So I'm giving it another chapter. Hope You approve of the wedding night. It was surprisingly hard to write! Anyway, please review!_


	45. The Miracle of Life

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

_Author's note: Have absolutely no explanation for the delay, more than I really don't want the story to end. But here it is. Enjoy!_

**Part 45: In which they Experience the Miracle of Life**

Jane woke up with a delicious feeling of contentment early the next morning. She had not felt so completely calm and care free for a very long time. She thought she would have felt different. So much had change in the last 24 hours. She was no longer in danger of dying an old maid, but a married woman. The epithet 'maid' did most definitely not apply to her anymore. She felt herself colour as she thought back on the night.

She stretched languidly and sighed contently. She turned to the man who was still sound asleep next to her. Tom looked as relaxed as Jane felt. Even in his sleep there was a slight smile on his lips. During the course of the night Jane had learned what pleasures could be had in a bedchamber. She felt herself grow hot from the memory. She blushed to think that he now knew every little bit of her body. To her surprise she found that she had been worrying over nothing. Sure she was a bit sore, but that was all. The pleasure had over shone it all.

Every thing had been perfect and Tom was a most gentle and attentive lover. Her heart fluttered at the thought of how he had proven again and again just how much he loved her. She brushed a lock of hair out of his handsome face and let her hand caress his warm cheek. He stirred slightly, and sighed in his sleep. She did not want to wake him just yet. She relished this sweet serenity that filled her.

She lay down under the covers again, unwilling to face the world just yet. Jane snuggled close to Tom and kissed his bare shoulder before settling down beside him.

-xxx-

Jane was asleep when Tom woke. He looked down at her and smiled. She was his, completely and utterly, his. He moved closer and placed a kiss on her warm cheek. She stirred slightly and opened her eyes slowly.

"Good morning, Mrs Lefroy," he said. She smiled lazily.

"Morning," murmured she back. She draped an arm around him as she turned to her side, and moved closer to him. Amused he watched as her face coloured deeply as she met his gaze. She hit her burning face against his chest.

"Embarrassed, are we?" he teased and forced her chin up with one finger. Her colour deepened, but she did not say anything. He kissed her hot cheeks on both sides, her nose, her jaw, both corners of her moth before he finally let his lips settle down on her lips. While his mouth was on her mouth, his hands were exploring her body. And soon they were too busy for light morning conversation.

**September 1815**

The months had flown away in rapid speed. Jane's life was beginning to turn back to normal. Not much had changed, really. She enjoyed calling herself Mrs Lefroy more than anything. She and Tom were still acting as teenagers and she loved it. She had not slept alone once since their wedding night.

They had had a blissful couple of months after the wedding. They were as happy as two newly weds could ever be and had only eyes for each other. They been to visit Eliza and Henry, a couple of weeks with Mrs Bennet and Cassandra and now they had just gotten back from a short stay in London.

It was late September when she began to feel ill. It had started as a constant tiredness and feeling under the weather for no obvious reason. Nausea followed and soon light-headedness and even fainting spells. She could not understand what it was, but did not want to trouble any one with her condition. Jane was sure it would go away with a bit of rest.

But when Mrs Phelps caught her emptying her stomach outside the kitchen door one morning before breakfast she could not keep it quiet any more and the doctor was sent for. Tom was away on business that day and for that Jane was thankful. She did not want to worry him.

Mr Johnston examined her and asked her a various questions.

"Are you sleeping well?"

"Yes."

"Any strange dreams?"

"Not that I can recall," replied Jane and wondered where these questions were leading.

"Apart from this nausea, is there anything else that ails you? Fainting? Sudden cravings?"

"Well, yes. I have been feeling quite fatigued lately and faint."

"I see. And how long since your last period?" Jane started at the intimate question, but started to count backwards. She had not been bothered with that for some time. Not since before the wedding, come to think of it. Jane had thought it was just that time.

"I do not remember." Mr Johnston squeezed her belly a little and nodded.

"Here is what I think, Mrs Lefroy," said Mr Johnston with a smile. "I believe that you are with child." Jane's mouth fell open.

"At my age? I thought…"

"It is perhaps uncommon, but not impossible," he said. "You will have to start thinking of what you are eating."

"Of course," Jane gushed. She was flabbergasted. The one thing she had dreamed of more than being Tom's wife, was to be blessed with a child.

"I will ask the midwife to call on you shortly Mrs Lefroy," the physician said. Jane could only nod in response. She did not know what to say. She could not wait for Tom to get home. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she smiled toward the physician as he patted her on the shoulder. "And do remember to rest and eat properly and most of all, regularly. It will ease the nausea."

"Thank you, Mr Johnston."

Jane was left to herself and was for a moment sitting perfectly still, unable to stir, incredulous and baffled. She opened her mouth and closed it without a sound getting out. Then she got up and was suddenly able to be still for a second more. She tidied up the room and nipped the dead petals of the roses that were on her night stand, she smoothed out the cover of the bed and then sat down again, quite overcome by her condition. She smiled and put a hand on her still flat belly and wondered what Tom and the rest of the family would say. Jane knew she would not be able to keep it a secret for any length of time. At least not from Tom.

Jane hurried down to Mrs Phelps to order Tom's favourite dishes for dinner. The other woman looked a bit surprised to see her, but had the decency not to ask questions though she allowed a knowing smile to play on her lips. Jane guessed that for someone who had bore four children, the signs were obvious, but she did not say anything.

-xxx-

Tom came home to a set table and excited wife. Jane was practically glowing.

"You are looking lovely this evening, my love," he commented as he kissed her flushed cheek.

"Thank you," she mumbled as she led him to his seat. Then he realised that the table was only set for the two of them. As she noticed his puzzled look she quickly said: "The children have already eaten. I wanted us to be alone."

"I see," replied he and held out the chair for her. "Any particular reason?"

"There is something I want to tell you." Tom's interest was peaked and he wondered what it could be. Jane only smiled mysteriously when he urged her on with an encouraging smile. Mrs Phelps came in with a tray of food and interrupted any chance of intercourse. They remained silent as their plates and cups were filled.

Tom studied his wife for a while. He noted that she looked, apart from happy, a little paler than usual. Even a little bit tired, which she usually never did. A slight pang of worry made his stomach lurch uneasily. The radiant smile she shot his way after Mrs Phelps had gone pushed the worry aside.

"So, what is this secret you are holding from me, dear?" he asked as soon as Mrs Phelps was out of the room. Jane took her time to take a sip from her cup, not meeting his queering eyes. "Jane?" His voice became demanding.

"I had the most wonderful news today," she finally said, and met his gaze. Her face was even more glowing with uncontained joy.

"Then do enlighten me, my dearest," he commanded lightly. "I am getting old here." She giggled at his remark.

"I do hope you do not feel too old to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet in a quite near future," she said and her smile broadened. Tom's mouth fell open as the meaning of the sentence sunk in. He half rose, then sat down again, awed and unable to speak. "Say something," she urged, uncertain as how to decipher his reaction. He looked up and met her eyes, his were watering with happiness.

"Are you sure?" He rose again and threw himself down at her feet, taking her hands in his.

"Yes, I am sure. As sure as Mr Johnston," said she smiling down at him. He caressed her belly, softly murmuring words of surprise and joy.

"I would never..." he said, looking up again. "I would not have dreamed of such a blessing for us."

"Me neither," she said, stroking his head softly. "I thought I was too old."

"When...?" asked he and tried to measure by the size of the little bulge that was her belly.

"If my calculations are correct, sometime in April," said she. He smiled up at her.

"Are not we the blessed ones?"

"We truly are," smiled she back, unable to hinder the tears that filled her eyes from spilling over and flood down her cheeks. The food was forgotten and they sat in the same position until Mrs Phelps came back to clear the table and bring in dessert.

"I believe congratulations are in order, sir, ma'am," said she with a knowing smile.

"You told her, before telling me?" Tom looked incredulous at his wife.

"She guessed," said Jane calmly. "I guess when you have four children of your own, the signs are not as hard to read. Besides, she was the one who sent for Mr Johnston when I was ill this morning." Tom smiled.

"How blind I have been," he exclaimed, voice thick with emotion. He knew she had been feeling a bit under the weather, but could never have dreamed that pregnancy would be the cause of it. Jane was not one to complain either.

"I have tried to keep it a secret. I did not want you to worry too much about me, when nothing really seemed wrong. Only fatigued and a bit nauseous, nothing really to worry about."

"I always worry about you, love," said Tom and rose to place a soft kiss on her lips. "Now, let us get some food into you, you need nourishment." He smiled widely and led her to her seat again.

-xxx-

Jane took to pregnancy with ease, after October was over, the nausea did not trouble her as much any longer. Tom made sure there were biscuits or bread by her bedside as soon as she woke up. Having fathered six children he knew what pregnant women wanted and needed. He tried to be away from home as little as humanly possible for a man in the middle of his career. When he was gone, Millie was stationed to care for her mistress and to be on her beck and call.

Jane protested to this kind of treatment. She was not ill, only with child. Women had bore children since the beginning of time, so she was not the first, though Tom treated her like she was a fragile little china doll. When he was home he watched her like a hawk, when he was away Mrs Phelps and Millie was his hawk eyes. Luckily enough they were not as stern as her husband. But when she shew even the smallest sign of fatigue she was sent to bed immediately.

Basically she was spoiled rotten and did not need to lift a finger unless she really wanted to. Which she did of course. She hated being useless and tried to help out as much as she could manage.

The Lefroy children took to the new child with various amount of joy. Mrs Bennet was overjoyed, Cassandra happy, Mr Lefroy took the news calmly, but then again he already had a bunch of grandchildren. Everyone came with advice and presents from time to time.

-xxx-

Winter came and Christmas and New Years with it. They gathered friends and family at Carrigglas and it was a very merry Christmas holiday for all. Tom gave Jane a redecorated nursery for her Christmas gift and she was overjoyed. April could not come soon enough.

Spring brought warmth and sun to Carrigglas and the manor was filled with anxious anticipation for the new baby. March seemed to drag itself by and Jane was not minding to be still most days anymore. She felt large and heavy and in the way. A burden of sorts, though everyone did everything to make it easier for her and assured her that it was no problem at all. Tom was more of a mother hen by this time and did everything to make his wife feel at ease. Rubbing her feet, rubbing her back, caressing her belly, singing soft songs for the baby and being close by at all times.

When April at last came Jane was more impatient than ever. She wanted the baby out. She was tired of feeling in the way, of feel fat, of feeling fatigued and out of breath. One week before her due date she decided it was time for this baby to enter the world and she set out to do anything to make labour start. Everyone kept saying that babies came when they were ready, you could not rush them, but Jane Austen was going to prove them wrong.

"Will you join me for a walk, dear?" she asked Tom at the breakfast table one particularly fine morning.

"Should you not be still?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I cannot stand it," cried she. "I cannot take this any longer. I want this baby out!" She sighed exasperatedly, trying to make him see.

"You know what Mr Johnston said about exertion," Tom reminded her.

-xxx-

Tom could in a way understand Jane's impatience, and did what he could to indulge her. But going out on a walk so late in her pregnancy was out of the question. He did not want her farther than 50 yards from the house.

"Please," she said and looked at him with begging eyes.

"Very well then," he gave in. "But only as far as the orchard, you hear?"

"Fine," she concurred sourly and went to fetch her shawl. Tom took her under the arm and they went out into the sun. He took care not to walk too fast and they strolled through the garden in a slow and waddling pace.

"Are you sure this is wise?" asked Tom as he heard her strained breath. He put one arm around her back for even more support and took her hand in his.

"I am fine," she said through gritted teeth. "I am just very, very pregnant." Tom chortled.

"How very true, my dear. And you have never looked better, might I add." Jane snorted in response.

"How come I do not believe you?" Tom inspected her flushed cheeks, swelling belly and overall figure.

"You are positively blooming, my dear. Mind you," said he as she opened her mouth to protest, "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder."

They finally made their way to the orchard. Tom led Jane to the bench in front of the water feature and she sank down, thankful to be off her feet.

"This is nice," said she and gazed out of the greenery. She took of her shoes and let her feet be free. She wriggled them and smiled in pleasure. "I think this is just what the doctor ordered."

-xxx-

Twelve hours later, Mary Cassandra took her first breaths in life, howling at the harsh cold world outside her mother's womb. The proud father rushed to his wife's side as soon as he was permitted and they cried together as the little bundle of joy, comfortably nestled into a blanket was laid to her mother's breast and fell asleep.

Jane, though exhausted, was completely overjoyed. She could not control the tears that seemed flood in a never ending stream down her cheeks. She smiled widely through the tears. Mary was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She was perfect in her littleness. Little cute feet and hands, and perfect little face with downy hair. Jane could not stop looking at the little miracle of life, feeling that life was totally and utterly complete.

**-The End-**

_Author's note: I will post another chapter with my thanks shortly. _


	46. One Last Author's Note

**I Remember Love**

A _Becoming Jane_-story

By: jakeline

_Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite. _

**One last Author's Note**

I want to thank you all that have stayed with me for all this time. It's been years, people! I have given birth to one son during this time, and am now pregnant with my second child. It's crazy, really.

I'm really thankful for all the encouragement you have given me, your kind words on the way. Urging me to write more than I had planned to. And now it is over. Finished. It's kind of sad. It's like my baby has left me.

I don't know what I will do now. I do have one modern version on Becoming Jane, but it's not even near completion. Would you be interested in that?

Last but not least, I want to thank the ladies of the Becoming Jane Fansite. Without them I don't think this story had ever seen the light of day.

Once again, thank you for reading!


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